Avoidant partner pulled away. Any advice on how to navigate?

[Janegirl89]

So to cut a long story short. He is FA I am Secure (healed, used to be AP) - We dated 5 months. Recently we had a couple of big arguments which led to him pulling away. When we met up and spoke he just kept telling me that he would love to stay together but he felt that I was feeling more negativity towards him and whatever he tried wasn’t good enough to make it work. I had become a little distant myself due to some health issues I had going on which I think triggered his fears and he just kept saying he doesn’t want to add to my stress.

Later that evening he text me saying that he just needed some time without seeing each other - i responded saying that ‘I felt it would be a shame if we couldn’t figure things out but I understood if he needs to take time for himself and the door is open if he wants to keep in contact’

Just over two weeks have gone by and I havent heard from him. I’m not sure if I should be reaching out? Half of me feels like if he asked for time then I should leave him but the other half is like if I’m not trying to show him I want him there then am I not just confirming in his head his beliefs about me not wanting him?

I noticed he was liking my instagram posts and watching my stories since we stopped talking which is something he for some reason didn’t do while we were dating so I find it strange that he has been viewing my stories & liking my posts all of a sudden but hadn’t spoken to me.

I just feel confused and I care about him a lot so I want to get this right. Can any FA’s give an insight / advise maybe what would be best?

Thank you

Would it really be outing to tell us his name, this famous and widely respected professional, @DragonOverTheMoon? If so, does that mean you're the only one who's heard of his recent theory that attachment styles are 'bollocks'? It can't be that widely known if providing a reference to it would be outing? You must be right at the cutting edge of knowledge and new discoveries in the workings of the human mind, having sat this 6 month course.

He’s dumped you. He doesn’t want to say that, so he’s gone down the ‘it’s me not you/I just need some space’ route.

Op you do know he didn't actually mean he needed space right? That was him breaking up with you.

At 5 months in there should be any fights. Let alone several. You weren't compatible. Time to move on.

*should not be

It's not his theory that there aren't styles anymore... he made us aware that it's either secure or insecure attachment as people who act anxious or avoid mix and match. You can't put people into pigeon holes and say you act anxious so you will only display anxious behaviours. When we heard it it made sense to us. It also made sense that when I did my dissertation (a large part of that was on attachment) a few years ago there was no literature around different styles, it was organised or disorganised in the journals I used.

I wish I'd realised when I was younger, but it's really quite simple... if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. They will leave you in no doubt whatsoever. You won't have to play games or second guess or anaylse their behaviour. It will be obvious. Even when they're having a bad day or going through a tough time, you'll know.

I had someone that pulled away from me. Needed time to "concentrate on herself". So I let her get on with it.

I then spent the next few months wondering what was going on. Every few minutes of every day. Consumed with thoughts about her.

Why didn't I just ask her? That's my advice to you. Just ask where you stand. Save yourself the heartache.

In the end when we finally made contact she accused me of not being there for her?

Just ask him!

If he hadn't contacted you in 2 weeks it's highly likely that he's not bothered about you.

Step away from the attachment theory lit.

I also hate tik tok attachment theory explainers. They don’t make sense. Also attachment theory is a) a theory b) actually pretty narrow in its original/strict form c) conceptually ill defined for adults d) not very well evidenced.

It sounds like it just didn’t work out. You would feel secure in a good relationship.

Yup, you can't even be diagnosed with attachment disorder as an adult.

When I was in uni we critiqued it quite a lot, but neuroscience does tie in well with attachment theory.

I find that if you're psychoanalysising (not sure if I spelt that right) a partner then they're not the one for you. I spent hours doing that with men that weren't good for me. Take back your power OP and dump him yourself, block that fucker and think how lovely your future will be to not have all of this mental space being taken up in your head!

Attachment styles seems a lot like Love Languages to me - a lot of words obscuring the simple fact that the relationship doesn’t work.

Is fearful avoidant when they're terrified of leaving the wife?

LOL "I used to be anxious preoccupied but now I'm totally secure. Also I'm tracking how he interacts with my social media and constantly running over my options for restoring contact and getting him back."

Yeah, you're really over your anxious preoccupied style. Healed! It's a real miracle.

“Seems counter productive for him to communicate his concerns and then just disappear. I guess thats an avoidant for you.”

He’s not an “avoidant” op- he’s a game playing, mind fucking twat!!

@WombOfOnesOwn

LOL "I used to be anxious preoccupied but now I'm totally secure. Also I'm tracking how he interacts with my social media and constantly running over my options for restoring contact and getting him back."

Yeah, you're really over your anxious preoccupied style. Healed! It's a real miracle.

I’m not tracking him at all. It’s just something I noticed because It’s not like him to be hitting up my social media like that.

& is there really anything wrong with looking over your options & seeking advice before making a decision? The mere fact that I’m thinking before I make a decision instead of just reacting emotionally shows that I’m not acting from an anxious preoccupied place