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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else find this rude? Friend related, too complicated to explain in a short title!

41 replies

TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 14:39

To cut a long story short, any friends that I spend time with seem to have another friend that they totally idolise (I'm never the idolised one btw!), and just go on and on about them, and literally gush about them the whole time and emphasise how much of a good friend this person is and how wonderful they are. One friend has someone that she refers to all the time as "bestie" and literally every conversation we have is her talking about something "bestie" has done or how amazing "bestie" has been to her lately.

We are friends with two other couples, who live next door to us, and next door but one to us, and if we see either of these couples all they do is talk about the other couple all of the time, and about how they're all best friends, and how they have keys to each others' houses etc etc.

It just gets so boring. And I find it rude.

I don't think it helps that when I was growing up, my parents idolised my sister, and their best friends' children and I was the black sheep of the family so I was always compared to these other children and told how shit I was whilst they were praised to the hilt. Even down to me being shorter than their best friends' daughter and how 'tall and elegant' she was compared to me.

I don't think any of my friends would have a single nice thing to say about me, as, like I said, they are always full of gushing compliments about others but no one even offered me any support when I was really unwell last year.

OP posts:
SailingNotSurfing · 21/03/2022 14:46

I would suggest you find some new friends.

Also adults referring to their bestie sounds bizarre.

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 15:32

Yes, it's totally bizarre. A surprising amount of adults do it though

OP posts:
SisterRuth · 21/03/2022 15:32

Ugh! Yes, very boring & very tactless. Even without you being the scapegoat child growing up. I don't think you're being over-sensitive because of that. I wouldn't bother with them from now on. They sound childish, thoughtless & boring. And fake.

coffeeisthebest · 21/03/2022 15:39

I also think it's an unfortunately common scenario. I would also encourage you to mentally separate it from your childhood experience. Otherwise you will give these people more space than they deserve in your head. Find other people to hang out with and let this people crack on with their love fest.

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 15:43

It even happens when I walk my dogs over at the local park. I have three dogs and there is a man who walks his dogs at the park who has three of the same breed. Random dog walkers stop to talk to me and start banging on about how wonderful he and his dogs are

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 21/03/2022 15:47

they sound tedious. find new friends OP. and sounds as if they are doing it on purpose to wind you up, have you told them about your parents preferring your sister over you? if so they sound vindictive and mean.if not then just dull.

Blueberryflavour · 21/03/2022 15:59

I’m pretty old and I’ve never had anyone speak to me about Besties before I think you need new non weird friends. I met up with a couple of friends recently had a great long chat about what we had each been up to chatted about books and current events etc then briefly mentioned other mutual friends. So and so has had a baby, other friend has got a job promotion, other friend has recently moved house that type of chit chat. No mention of besties and no comparing current company to absent friends unfavourably, that would just be weird.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 21/03/2022 16:15

I wonder how much your upbringing is affecting what you’re actually hearing from friends? ‘All the time’ - could this be a mention every now and again but you’re overly sensitive too it and takes over anything else they are saying?
Just seems like an odd amount of people you know who are doing this.

NoShitHemlock · 21/03/2022 16:21

Oh God I had this - a woman in her late 40s who I was quite friendly with, but everyone was her "bestie", and she narrated her entire life on Facebook. Didn't last too long as I just could not be arsed. You absolutely need new friends OP as its draining being around the childish drama.

Kite22 · 21/03/2022 16:24

@Blueberryflavour

I’m pretty old and I’ve never had anyone speak to me about Besties before I think you need new non weird friends. I met up with a couple of friends recently had a great long chat about what we had each been up to chatted about books and current events etc then briefly mentioned other mutual friends. So and so has had a baby, other friend has got a job promotion, other friend has recently moved house that type of chit chat. No mention of besties and no comparing current company to absent friends unfavourably, that would just be weird.
This ^

and this

I wonder how much your upbringing is affecting what you’re actually hearing from friends? ‘All the time’ - could this be a mention every now and again but you’re overly sensitive too it and takes over anything else they are saying?
Just seems like an odd amount of people you know who are doing this

I mean, obviously you might have one weird friend, but for it to be so common, I have to wonder if this is some sort of filter you've got which means you only hear / remember specific comments.

I wouldn't find it rude as such as completely bizarre. Like Blueberry, I am older than a lot of MNers, and have friends from lots of different walks of life but I have never come across anyone talking like you describe.

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 16:28

Yes, I definitely think my upbringing affects how much this upsets me, and makes me more sensitive to it.

The friend with the bestie will, for example say something like she likes my coat, and then will add 'Bestie has a black coat like that, but she can really carry it off', and her conversation is just talking about Bestie all the time, and about how fun Bestie is, and how witty, and slim, and fashionable, and blah blah.

The people when I'm dog walking stop and comment on my dogs and then say things like 'Do you know Paul X? He's got three dogs like yours.' and then just rave on and on about how well they walk on the lead, and how lovely his dogs are. I mean, why bother to stop me about my dogs just to rave about someone else? Why not just save their energy to fawn over him in person?

OP posts:
Susu49 · 21/03/2022 16:31

Oh god, its so rude! And 'bestie' makes me feel sick!

I know a couple of people like this and it actually seems to come down to some deep seated insecurity and the potential they have to feel that these special friendships could be threatened. Ultimately, it always comes down to making themselves feel better / more loved / more popular / more special.

It's not you, it's them.

Thymeout · 21/03/2022 16:34

How do you know they don't rave above you and your dogs to the other owner and the same with your friends? When they go out with the other friends, they probably say nice things about you.
It does sound as if your childhood is influencing your perception of your current relationships too much.

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 16:34

Well seeing as I can never get a word in edgeways and I just get talked 'at' by people I don't think they actually know much about me to rave about to others lol

OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/03/2022 16:38

Perhaps you are so self-effacing and reserved that they really don't have anything they can talk about with you apart from other people?

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 16:39

@ravenmum

Perhaps you are so self-effacing and reserved that they really don't have anything they can talk about with you apart from other people?
No, I'm not but if I talk they just talk over me and don't even listen to a word I say
OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/03/2022 16:39

I'm a bit slow to get going, and find that when you're quiet, people do sometimes start jabbering on about nonsense simply as they feel they have to fill the silence ...

ravenmum · 21/03/2022 16:40

cross-posted, sorry :)

WellTidy · 21/03/2022 16:43

This sounds like PIL. They’re nice people, but gawd. They very quickly bring sooooooo many conversations round to talking about themselves/their other children/their other grandchildren. I can’t imagine that they are talking about us to these family members as there would be nothing to talk about, they haven’t gleaned enough information about me/DH/our children to be able to recount it to anyone else.

Inchail · 21/03/2022 17:03

I have noticed that many people at the school gate shoehorn in mentions of their 'friends' a lot. I think it's in case I think they're talking to me because they don't have any.

It's often in converstaion that doesn't really need it - stuff like what you did on the weekend 'oh, i went to see xxx with my friends' 'i went to the park with the kids and our friends' 'went to new restaurant with my friend xx' I really do thinkit's paranoia about being seen as socially undesirable

I have a friend (!) who talks about her friends quite a lot but I have met them and am interested in what they're up to - and we have a nice gossip about it all.. She's not trying to make me jealous, just chatting.

TunaPlastic · 21/03/2022 17:12

It's not you, it's them and not in a good way.

We've a a couple of women like that around here (and I'm moderately old if that is relevant).

We happen to have had kids at roughly the same time, that get along. I value the friendships - it's lovely to talk about toddlers/ teenagers whatever stage you are at. I care about them , would help them out with a problem because it might be me needing a hand next week.

I absolutely hate hearing about the amazing best friends, often irrelevant to the topic in question. I know far to much about other women, I've hardly met.

I think the lack of social awareness is really interesting, you should make your companion on the school run/dog walk/ Screwfix queue feel like centre of your attention for the two/ten/60 minutes you are together.

And I totally get the talking over you - I'd come back from the Chelsea Flower Show one year had access to the hospitality tents, amazing. I'd offered spare tickets to this particular friend which were turned down. Fair enough, not everyones thing, she didnt ask me anything, nothing at all.
Two years later she goes with the Bestie, it's all over social media, the before the during & the after! Absolutely no connection that I'd been there on a regular basis with quietly a lot more comfort.
I am amazing, I'm not dull but I didn't mention anything about the perks of my privilege and she didnt want to hear about my show highlights.

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 18:24

@TunaPlastic that Chelsea Flower Show thing is exactly the sort of thing my friends would do! Any things they go to with other friends get gushed about on social media and they're forever grateful for the experience with their amazing friend!

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun2022 · 21/03/2022 18:38

It sounds like you may be subconsciously recreating the dynamic you free up with and even being drawn to these kinds of people without consciously meaning to. Can you do any group therapy to explore the dynamics with a view to asserting yourself, finding different friends and moving on?

Original poster
TheyCallMeJune · 21/03/2022 20:06

I've done so much counselling, CBT and many other therapies over the years

OP posts:
BlackishTulips · 21/03/2022 22:35

If you have a problem with one person, it might just be dynamics. If you have the same problem with multiple people, you have to look at what the common denominator is.