Does anyone else find this rude? Friend related, too complicated to explain in a short title!

[TheyCallMeJune]

To cut a long story short, any friends that I spend time with seem to have another friend that they totally idolise (I'm never the idolised one btw!), and just go on and on about them, and literally gush about them the whole time and emphasise how much of a good friend this person is and how wonderful they are. One friend has someone that she refers to all the time as "bestie" and literally every conversation we have is her talking about something "bestie" has done or how amazing "bestie" has been to her lately.

We are friends with two other couples, who live next door to us, and next door but one to us, and if we see either of these couples all they do is talk about the other couple all of the time, and about how they're all best friends, and how they have keys to each others' houses etc etc.

It just gets so boring. And I find it rude.

I don't think it helps that when I was growing up, my parents idolised my sister, and their best friends' children and I was the black sheep of the family so I was always compared to these other children and told how shit I was whilst they were praised to the hilt. Even down to me being shorter than their best friends' daughter and how 'tall and elegant' she was compared to me.

I don't think any of my friends would have a single nice thing to say about me, as, like I said, they are always full of gushing compliments about others but no one even offered me any support when I was really unwell last year.

@Herecomesthesun2022, that's a very interesting point you make I experienced the same thing with a school mum's group who were the spit of my dysfuntional family ie narcissistic alpha females, bullying, excluding behaviours. I was the scapegoat in my family of origin. I was pretty bruised by the experience but realised my lack of discernment about who I hung round with plus a lack of boundaries contributed to the dynamic. I tolerated the behaviours, mainly because it felt familiar.

So Op, perhaps instead at getting frustrated with 'friends' who 'always' do this, and feeling powerless, look closely at who you befriend and what you do when people behave this way. You don't have to listen to them droning on about the joys of other friends. Put a boundary in place, see what happens.

I agree the fan clubbing of others is tactless and a bit pointless for you if it's triggering bad feelings. Perhaps find friends that concentrate on you when you see them. You do have agency in this.

@coffeeisthebest

I also think it's an unfortunately common scenario. I would also encourage you to mentally separate it from your childhood experience. Otherwise you will give these people more space than they deserve in your head. Find other people to hang out with and let this people crack on with their love fest.

Is it? It sounds really weird and childish but I've never come across anyone who does this (apart from actual children)

Tactless? Thoughtless? It's horrible when someone does it to you though, makes you feel invisible.

I’ve had this. I had a woman come to my house after I invited her for dinner and drinks spend the entire time gushing about how brilliant all her friends are and how she doesn’t really have time to make new friends because she’s so busy with all her besties. I never invited her again. Immediate dump. Do not engage with people like that. Friendly hello but zero effort. It’s pointless. Start building boundaries. I now say “I’m here to talk to you not about other people” and if they carry on then cut it short. I also do not make friends with social media whores. Constant friend pics? Nope. Not interested. Start dumping and being brutal about it. It’s thrilling. Be honest. Say “sorry the last time we got together all you did was bang on about your bestie so no I’m not interested in seeing you again thanks. All the best with your bestie” you need to deploy sarcasm. You’re not happy so you might as well get something out of this shit. Start building up more links. Go to Meetup groups or set up your own local group called “we don’t talk about besties” the people who come along are going to be your tribe right?

Oh and also don’t bother making mates with people who have twenty million old school mates who are all godmothers to each other’s kids. You will only ever be a peripheral onlooker to their brilliant life. Pointless. Dump dump dump

They all sound shallow, empty headed and insensitive with no social skills. Dare I say that I've found there are loads of people like this on the planet! Probably the majority, and I actually think they have the better time of it socially. Others of us are more sensitive and therefore more socially sensitive, and then some of us again want a bit more stimulating conversation. You need to find more compatible friends.

It's not you.

But people are perhaps picking up subconsciously on how you will just listen to them praising other people all the time. It's ok to appear disinterested when they are behaving like this and making it all about themselves and their lives.

Gosh, I think you sound lovely. How polite and tolerant you are of other people. At best they lack social awareness and, at worst, they’re being rude. I think it’s peculiar and boring behaviour to bang on about anybody that your companion has never met. A relevant anecdote is fine, waxing lyrical is inappropriate and dull. I think perhaps you are too nice.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think I do need to toughen up a bit and ditch friends who do it, and simply walk off when dog walkers do it.

We even had it when we put our house on the market; the estate agent came round to value it and kept going on about a customer with loads of money who had an amazing house, and comparing it to ours.

@needingpeace

I’ve had this. I had a woman come to my house after I invited her for dinner and drinks spend the entire time gushing about how brilliant all her friends are and how she doesn’t really have time to make new friends because she’s so busy with all her besties. I never invited her again. Immediate dump. Do not engage with people like that. Friendly hello but zero effort. It’s pointless. Start building boundaries. I now say “I’m here to talk to you not about other people” and if they carry on then cut it short. I also do not make friends with social media whores. Constant friend pics? Nope. Not interested. Start dumping and being brutal about it. It’s thrilling. Be honest. Say “sorry the last time we got together all you did was bang on about your bestie so no I’m not interested in seeing you again thanks. All the best with your bestie” you need to deploy sarcasm. You’re not happy so you might as well get something out of this shit. Start building up more links. Go to Meetup groups or set up your own local group called “we don’t talk about besties” the people who come along are going to be your tribe right?

I had the exact same experience a while ago. Made me laugh, inwardly, as I didn't know why they bothered to accept the invite. All the heavy insistence that they couldn't possibly find time for more friends blah blah besties blah blah. Anyone would think I had asked her to execute my will rather than just having a casual coffee and light chit-chat.

I seemed to attract these strange types so I feel your pain on that one. Then I realised what was happening and decided not to put up with the nonsense any longer.

Speaking from experience, boundaries are a wonderful thing, OP.

How inconsiderate of them. They clearly have little self awareness or know exactly what they are doing, aiming to convince you they are well liked by many. Secure, confident people would not display such behaviour.

I had a friend who mentioned her other friends far too often; how fun they were, how much of a good friend they were, what gifts they bought her. I soon realised she saw me as a sidekick friend, someone to hang out with if nobody else was available. She deliberately made me feel like a 'back up' friend. I tolerated this for years due to my lack of confidence and the fact that I did not have many friends.

I allowed friendship to fizzle out. She messaged out of the blue about meeting up. She had just moved to a detached four bed house and of course wanted to host me. I declined and never contacted her again.

I'm sorry to hear that, I have experienced similar and although it's not always easy to find new friends, I remove 'friends' who add no joy to life. What's the point in feeling crap?

My sister in law is like this, we went away with them and another couple and they completely froze us out, didn't sit with us, sneaked off together and left us out, They treat their friends badly by cutting them off and moving on to someone else, I don't have time for that shit it's pathetic and they make themselves look ridiculous.

Some people do gush about others. I have a friend who does this, and I don't mind because it's just who she is. I think she gushes about me to others too. You don't know that the dog walkers don't talk about your dogs to other people. It's just a way of striking up conversation and trying to find common ground with someone.

It sounds as though you have some thoughtless and childish friends (def consider binning them) but then you are projecting the feelings on to other interactions, as there is no reason for a random stranger dog walker to treat you any differently to everyone they bump in to.

I have a friend who is very reserved and shy. She visits her brother every so often and meets up with me and another friend. She talks about her work colleagues and people from the train all the time. This is because she has no real friends and doesn't do anything herself. So she has to tell us all about what Marianne/Rhiannon/Jessica/Caroline are doing. And we dont know them from Adam.