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Original poster

Would it be very selfish to break up for these reasons?

43 replies

ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 13:14

I don’t know what to do
I want to end things with my partner of 14 years but I just can’t help but feel like my reasons are so unfair to him

Basically I want a fucking break
I want him to take the kids regularly for a good chunk of time (few days) so I can exhale and get shit done
I want to clean my house
I want to finish the half bits of decorating
I want to organise the place
I want there to be room for all of my clothes in the wardrobe so I can shut the doors (there would be without his clothes)
I want him to take the desk with a bajillion wires away
I want him to take his huge pile of shit in the utility room making it very difficult to use away
And I really really really really want to be alone

But then I think - is making him start over for what boils down to my selfish wants and needs really fair?
(But did I mention I really want to be alone!!!!)

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 13:20

Just to elaborate a little bit - between our two sets of children (we have an older our and a younger pair, we had a break in our relationship in between) I was such a better Mum
The house was spotless, organised, I knew where everything was at all times, we were always on time, always had everything we needed, kids looked neat and clean, I cooked proper meals every day, I did allllll kinds of activities with them and played with them loads, everything was just happy and calm
Now the shift could be 2 extra children (and one with ADHD) but surely things shouldn’t be the complete opposite and total fucking chaos now there 2 adults in the house?!

I just want it to be like that time again, the three of us were so so happy
Now everyone’s miserable and cries/screams every day, I take anti depressants, the house is a sty
I hate it

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 13:22

Get him gone. Sounds bloody awful.

NarrowHippedVixen · 21/03/2022 13:22

Well, it's not selfish to look after your needs. If it's over then it's over - and it sounds like it is for you? Do you still love him?

Personally I'd try couples therapy or something first in a last-ditch attempt to get him to engage.

HollowTalk · 21/03/2022 13:22

So he has two children and you have two children? Do you share any children?

It sounds as though it was lovely when he wasn't there! What made you take him back?

Can you afford to live alone?

HollowTalk · 21/03/2022 13:23

Oh sorry, I can see you mentioned about the children.

PriestessofPing · 21/03/2022 13:25

So if you split up it would be back to you and two children in the house as opposed to four kids and two adults? Or are the younger two yours as well?

DragonOverTheMoon · 21/03/2022 13:26

Being a single parent is so much easier then living with someone.

Get him gone, you only have one life. You could still be together, just live apart.

ToiletPoster · 21/03/2022 13:26

It's not selfish.
Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. You'll both get over it and find someone else who you are (hopefully) happier with because you're together for reasons other than habit and obligation.
The effect on the children is a factor, but I doubt co-parenting is worse than living with two parents who dislike eachother.

Original poster
ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 13:27

Sorry all 4 children are shared I can see that’s not very clear, we were together and had 2 children, split for a while, then got back together and had 2 more

OP posts:
Haus1234 · 21/03/2022 13:29

Is it your house? If it’s shared, you might have to sell it and move somewhere smaller which would then also be a mess.

Woodswoman · 21/03/2022 13:30

Would he actually have the children much if you separated? Mine doesn’t and there seems to be no way you can make them have the kids more than they want.

Savoretti · 21/03/2022 13:30

I totally understand where you are coming from and I think that is absolute grounds for asking him to leave. You are allowed happiness in your life too…

SunshineAndFizz · 21/03/2022 13:32

Are there more fundamental reasons you don't want to be with him? I.e. don't love him anymore, don't enjoy his company, grown apart?

Otherwise it sounds like you need a break and some support. When I get stressed all the little things in our house annoy me - things like you've mentioned such as having time to clean/decorate/generally sort out my life.

Could you suggest he helps with the kids more, or take a break from work so you can tackle some of the house stuff?

pumpkinpie01 · 21/03/2022 13:33

Why doesn't he take the kids out ? Tidy up after himself ? Has he got more messy or has he always been like this ?

bluedodecagon · 21/03/2022 13:33

Isn’t the chaos just down to having four children?

Squeezyhug · 21/03/2022 13:34

How does he feel about you feeling crap all the time ?
Does he know ?

If he’s cluttering up the house, is aware of how he affects you and doesn’t do anything about it, surely he’s the selfish one ?

Could you live apart but still be a couple ?
Or have you totally gone off him?

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 21/03/2022 13:34

Seems like he might be happier in his own space too, so win win.

TottersBlankly · 21/03/2022 13:36

Do you love him?

It sounds as if it’s your domestic arrangements that you hate, rather than anything else?

If that’s so - could you not arrange to live separately but continue as a couple?

(Or just split up if you actually can’t stand him!)

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 21/03/2022 13:37

YADNBU. I'm in a similar situation and it's so difficult. I do love my DH but I just want a break from my marriage, to not have to worry about him for a while.

Gotajobthrunepotism · 21/03/2022 13:43

Are you sure that it’s your husband who is the problem? Or is it just that you are really stressed (and with 4 kids, no wonder) and taking it out on him?

Are you still working full time? Is there any way he could take the kids away a few days for you to get the house
Sorted and then regroup and decide if you really want to split

Gioia1 · 21/03/2022 13:45

OP chances are your husband has ADHD. You have a child who is right? The chances are 50% if a parent has it they pass it on to their children.
If it’s the mother who has it 8/10 times she passes it on to her sons but with the father it goes both ways
That will explain the heavy load you’re carrying of shouldering all the responsibilities
Adults who do not know or treat their adhd symptoms are like another child albeit in an adults body.
It often creates an uneven relationship in terms of the everyday running of household and family and what I call mental loneliness as the non adhd partner is the one who thinks, plans, budgets, has visions sets goals for the family and works hard to achieve them etc

Btw Adhd doesn’t affect one’s intelligence
But if the symptoms are untreated it’s like they have two left hands.

So first check that out

AHungryCaterpillar · 21/03/2022 13:48

@Woodswoman

Would he actually have the children much if you separated? Mine doesn’t and there seems to be no way you can make them have the kids more than they want.
Same, Me and my ex have 4 children and how that we split he doesn’t see the children at all. He wouldn’t have them unless it was at my house so it was no different to being in a relationship and when I stopped it and insisted he had to have them on his own he decided not to see them at all. Still break up if you want to just saying it won’t guarantee you getting a break
FatFilledTrottyPuss · 21/03/2022 13:51

You don’t need along (or short) list of reasons to break up a relationship, if you don’t want to be with someone that’s reason enough.
This is where #BeKind gets women, staying with men we don’t want to be with because it’s wouldn’t be kind to them to leave.
#BeKind to yourself instead and leave if you want to be on your own.

BlingLoving · 21/03/2022 14:00

"Unfair" I honestly don't think any of your reasons are unfair and I thin it's a bit sad that so many posters seem to think it's a minor problem. It sounds to me like what you have here is a classic situation where not only is the man NOT doing his fair share of cooking, cleaning, parenting, he's actively making what YOU do harder.

If your post was written as, "I'm exhausted. DP does NOTHING around the house - we have 4 DC and he has never ever had all of them by himself so that I get an occasional break. I do all the cooking and cleaning, but with 4 DC, one with additional needs, I don't have time always so the house is constantly dirty with huge amounts of clutter and mess. To make matters worse, a massive proportion of this mess is his - his clothes, his electronics, his random stuff in the utility room. As for the decorating and DIY - there's a long list but he won't do any of it, and again, I don't have time."

If you work, add stuff in there about your work hours.

On a limb here - but what's the financial situation? Are you a SAHM with limited access to funds? Or do you work but then also pay more in real terms and/or proportionally? Because I'm going to put money on it being one of the two.

Midlifemusings · 21/03/2022 14:07

This does not sound like something that should end a 14 year marriage with four kids. It sounds like you do need a break which is perfectly reasonable. It sounds like when your environment is neat and tidy you feel more in control and with it being chaotic, that is impacting you. With 4 kids it isn't likely your house will always be pristine but having a break and time to yourself to organize is reasonable.

Can you make that happen? Any grandparents or aunts and uncles involved? Do you both work full time? Can you send all the kids to a week away at camp this summer?

I think it would be hard for most parents to take four kids away for a week on their own (easier to be alone with them at home) and most wouldn't want a holiday without mom.