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Relationships

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Original poster

Would it be very selfish to break up for these reasons?

43 replies

ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 13:14

I don’t know what to do
I want to end things with my partner of 14 years but I just can’t help but feel like my reasons are so unfair to him

Basically I want a fucking break
I want him to take the kids regularly for a good chunk of time (few days) so I can exhale and get shit done
I want to clean my house
I want to finish the half bits of decorating
I want to organise the place
I want there to be room for all of my clothes in the wardrobe so I can shut the doors (there would be without his clothes)
I want him to take the desk with a bajillion wires away
I want him to take his huge pile of shit in the utility room making it very difficult to use away
And I really really really really want to be alone

But then I think - is making him start over for what boils down to my selfish wants and needs really fair?
(But did I mention I really want to be alone!!!!)

What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 14:08

@SunshineAndFizz I have tried evvvvverything to get him to do more - I’ve talked it out with him, I’ve shouted, I’ve cried, I’ve begged, I’ve nagged, I’ve created schedules and routines, I’ve physically said to him ‘pick x up and put it in y cupboard’ nothing changes! Nothing ever moves forward

@TottersBlankly I do love him yes, when it’s just me and him and we’re not talking about kids/house/plans/money, we get on well, he totally gets me, we have a laugh, I still fancy him etc
But the resentment I feel is starting to take over and now when he’s trying to be light hearted and have chit chat or comes in for a kiss or whatever in my head I’m thinking ‘hurry the fuck up I’ve got real shit to do - because no other fucker does anything!’
If we could stay together and not live together I think that would be perfect - I just don’t know how that would work, when would we ever see each other?

@Gioia1 I 100% think he has ADHD, him and my son that has it are carbon copies of each other - but even if I told him to he wouldn’t do anything about it, he doesn’t do anything, even when specifically instructed to!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2022 14:09

Is the house in both names? Sounds like you've got 5 kids tbh.

Original poster

ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 14:13

@BlingLoving yes! That’s exactly it! Him not helping is one thing but he actually makes my life harder!! And then, what’s the point of him?! Surely the point of a partner is to share load and lighten each other’s where we can?
This is exactly it!
I’m a SAHM but I do have access to funds, in fact he has limited access because when he was in charge of finances that all went to shit too! Bills unpaid, going into overdraft and getting charges payday loans to clear overdraft, all while spending like the money was burning a hole in his pocket! So now I take care of all money and bills aswell

OP posts:

Makeitsoso · 21/03/2022 14:13

It doesn’t sound like your marriage is beyond repair. It sounds like you need marriage counselling to get what you need from the relationship. Also, some people do live separately and stay married. Is that feasible?
Why not start by him taking all the kids away on holiday by himself in half term?

SunshineAndFizz · 21/03/2022 14:13

Ah I feel stressed for you! In that case something needs to seriously change, you can't live your life feeling like this.

BlingLoving · 21/03/2022 14:16

[quote ColourfulOnesie]@BlingLoving yes! That’s exactly it! Him not helping is one thing but he actually makes my life harder!! And then, what’s the point of him?! Surely the point of a partner is to share load and lighten each other’s where we can?
This is exactly it!
I’m a SAHM but I do have access to funds, in fact he has limited access because when he was in charge of finances that all went to shit too! Bills unpaid, going into overdraft and getting charges payday loans to clear overdraft, all while spending like the money was burning a hole in his pocket! So now I take care of all money and bills aswell[/quote]
Yes, I'd say that absolutely is the point of a partner. I really don't understand why you're not getting the usual chorus of LTBs. I think it's the way you framed your OP. But frankly, I'm amazed you're still attracted to him. A man who wants me to treat him like a 5th child would be deeply deeply unsexy to me.

Gioia1 · 21/03/2022 14:23

@ColourfulOnesie
Am sorry bout the unmanaged symptoms. Things will not change unless. HE does something about his symptoms.
It’s the lack of equal partnership that tires one out

Gioia1 · 21/03/2022 14:34

@ColourfulOnesie
From your description,there is still love in your relationship but thata times might be smothered by the build up of resentment Really look int ADHD the both of you. Only then can you see a way out.
There are successful couples where one has it but it’s very very hard work for both.

www.verywellmind.com/adhd-and-its-effect-in-marriage-20380

Minniem2020 · 21/03/2022 14:55

I completely get where you're coming from op. I think we all have our limits and at some point the things that have always bothered us a little bit grow to the point where it pisses us right off.
My DP does nothing at all, this has always bothered me and I've tried all ways to get him to help but just lately I'm at the stage where I don't know how much longer I can live like it.
You don't need to justify any reasons for ending a relationship, if they're your feelings then they are valid. Good luck with whatever you do.

Mischance · 21/03/2022 14:57

Be careful what you wish for! - I am on my own and I hate it.

Wnikat · 21/03/2022 15:01

But you won't be able to be a SAHM if you split up with him?

SparkleWhale · 21/03/2022 15:04

You don't need to break up your family and become a single parent of four children. You need marriage counselling and to get him to do his fair share.

Original poster

ColourfulOnesie · 21/03/2022 16:19

@Gioia1 that link was literally like it was written about us!

Thankyou all for your input, it’s interesting the responses swing so far from ‘leave, it sounds horrible’ to ‘this is no reason to break up’ which is exactly what is going on in my head

Gah!

OP posts:

TwilightSkies · 21/03/2022 16:26

It sounds like you have loads of reasons to break up!
At the end of the day, it’s fine getting other peoples opinions but you are the one living in the reality of it. I think you need to learn to trust yourself.

MargosKaftan · 21/03/2022 16:44

Those saying "this is no reason to break up" are the exact reason why so many woman are miserable - not wanting to be in a relationship with someone is the best reason to break up with them. Its not unfair to decide you'd be happier single than with someone. What's unfair is him thinking he can treat you like his mum and not expect it to make you miserable. Or not give a shit that you are miserable.

End it. Often on affair threads people having had affairs are accused of rewriting history that they were miserable before the affair- however in real life many people are miserable in their marriage, and grab at affairs as a way to be given a proper reason to end a relationship they have been unhappy with for a long time.

bluedodecagon · 21/03/2022 16:47

Has he gotten worse? You split up and then had 2 more children. Did he improve? What has changed?

glumbum38 · 21/03/2022 17:01

This was me two years ago. I became so anxious. We separated and I have never been happier. It's much easier to do everything myself without having to cajole DH into helping. I'm a better mum, which was my main hope, but also more confident and nicer to be around. DH has ADD and is on the spectrum, but he won't acknowledge this and as far as he is concerned, he is right and the rest of us just complicate his life. It must be exhausting for him, being so chaotic, but it was also exhausting to live with.

Gioia1 · 21/03/2022 18:05

@ColourfulOnesie. You’re welcome ☺️. In my humble opinion it is super tough to live in such a situation. I respect you. As you’ve noted many will say leave but only you get to see glimpses of who your DP is without the chaos of ADHD and that part which is private is not only lovely but a reason to stay

I read a lot on the forum Adhdmarriage and find many useful tips from others who’ve been in the situ longer than I’ve been.

Understanding ADHD more has helped me look at things in a different light.
However know that you will always be more practical, more responsible and just more together than he is.
I look at it this way: why should I say to a bird ‘well done for flying’but to a fish ‘why can’t you fly’?
A fish just can’t fly. Full stop.

@glumbum38 I understand what you mean completely it’s hard when they don’t accept or acknowledge who they are. I live in a state of hyper vigilance.
I like the phrase you used : exhausting for them but exhausting to live with. It is the honest truth.

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