I broke up (for the last time) with my ex about 6 months ago. We had been on / off for years. Me ending things, him promising change (even going to therapy for 3 months), and my taking him back each time.
The last time I ended things I acknowledged that (as people say here time and again) I needed professional help to help me break away for good. I worked through understanding a lot about the dynamic, the fact that I was trauma bonded and the counsellor was very clear what steps I needed to take to break for good. For me it was very black and white as we had no shared child.
From the get go he was blocked on my phone/ social media etc. I left email open, until finally after speaking to my councillor I closed that down too and asked that he no longer contact me. He had by this point made about 8-10 unprompted attempts at contact.
He then continued, via email (even though he was blocked and they went to spam). At this point he was in clear harassment territory. The emails/ attempted contacts were always about 10-12 days apart. So what was happening is even though I wasn’t seeing him/ speaking to him, the bond was being retained via the emails and the pattern was simply moved. So as much as I thought I had broken things off, I wasn’t moving on emotionally. His emails were preventing that (he knows that, that’s why he sent them). Any form of contact puts the clock back to day one in terms of recovery.
Finally after speaking to my counsellor (who had been urging me to take this step for weeks) I reported him to the police. Hats off to them they took it seriously and he was seen a few days later and told (very clearly) that I no longer wished to have any form of contact, that the relationship was over and he needed to leave me alone.
The concern was that his behaviour could (and most likely would) escalate as he was clearly unhappy at my absolute refusal to respond.
He has happily listened to the police and I have not heard a peep. That was a few months ago. Finally I am starting to heal and move on, something he hadn’t given me space to do. I would never have gotten this space had I not involved the police. And I would still be stuck in this loop of trying to stay no contact even though he was continually trying to poke a hole through somewhere in the vain hope I broke down.
The good news is i have no removed him from my phone completely. He isn’t blocked anywhere (as I need his number on my phone to do that). He hadn’t blocked me anywhere so I’m the various messaging apps if I couldn’t help myself I could see him and that was (honestly) torture. He is deleted and gone. He contacts me again? I will call the police.
That’s my story of no contact and today? I look back and can see how trauma bonded I was and why I simply couldn’t have taken the steps (like reporting him to the police) 2 years ago. I wish I had. In the Uk we all have a basic human right to live our lives and not be harassed. The police take this stuff very seriously, the officers who turned up were very clear that I had done the right thing to call them. Sadly this sort of obsessive behaviour is the behaviour that can escalate into much more serious stuff.
I will set myself on fire before I ever contact that man again. I’m proud of myself for getting here (it’s hard I know) but equally wish k had taken my life back years ago