Passive aggressive dh, anyone got one?

[MeImAllSmiles]

How do you deal with it?

I have no DH (I'm sooo lucky) but I find that people like this are best dealt with the same way as toddlers: ignore the whining, decide what's going to be done and treat them as though they're being nice and cheerful and helpful.
Derision is also useful at least for making you feel better - 'ooh, diddums having a sulkywulky again? Never mind, you'll have forgotten about it soon'.

i might have one, but can you clarify what are the symptoms?

Can't do links but if you look on Chat, quick poll, should I text dh? hectate has a link that sums it up.

Oh I do!
Here's an example (one of dozens).
Comes in from work and says ... "Hi! I guess no one is using the bathroom, then?"
Me: Er, I dunno, why do you ask?
Him: Because the light is on.

And so on. Like I am supposed to be on constant patrol against lightbulb offenses. But why can't he just say it straight to the DC who are likely offenders? "Hi kids. Someone forgot to turn the light off in the loo, who can run fastest to turn it off now?" followed by "...and please try to remember to do it next time without me having to ask", instead of starting a blame game. Grrrrrr....
AND he does the unrealistic expectations thing (reading JenglyJens thread).

Oh heavens, here's the link MeImAllSmiles meant. Answer to OP: I don't cope well with it, but I think the link might just have some excellent ideas on it.

meImAllSmiles: I think don't text him. Let him stew (but I maybe wrong, because I always make mine stew and that doesn't seem to resolve anything quickly, either)

He won't be stewing, it's like he is never wrong no matter what, to me it's like he doesn't give a s**t!

I have a great solition for an always right DH, divorce him, I did mine, and my best friend ended up marrying him. Poor her, how she put up with him for so long I don't know. A lot more diplomatic than me probably.

i do get the thing where he says 'don't shout' or 'stop shouting' quite a bit, when i'm NOT shouting, but it gets so frustrating that I end up - guess what - shouting

Yikes, that description in the link _is DP! He thinks he's perfect. Never gets angry, just sulks. Is manipulative and always tries to bring me down. Life is always harder for him than anyone else. Tis VERY hard to deal with...

Ah. Ds1's dad was very severely PA, finding a website about it was what finally enabled me to feel I was not going insane, and to stop being wistful about him (he left me).

It was such a revelation!

It was all about control. He would make arrangements then constantly be either late or early, never ever on time, just to throw you out - he hated anyone to hang a sign on him, even in the most stupid of ways, like what he liked to drink or whatever - even things like I would ask what his daughter's birthday was, and he would tell me, then later I would mention it and say did she have a nice day, and it was 'Oh, it was on ...day' instead. So I was always wrong.

Very hard to get one's head around. I tried so hard to and he never did end up being straight with me about anything.

The sort of person who never gets involved in an argument, but will wind everyone up until they go berserk at him and claim innocence because he never raised his voice.

And you could never track him down because he was the only one who was allowed to know where he was or what the plan was.

I remember he used to ditch me about every three weeks, then come back a while later.

One day (having realised the timing of each breakup) I went to meet him, and as soon as I got there I said' You're not going to dump me, are you?' and he was noticeably uncomfortable and said' No, of course not!' and instead he saved it and did it a week later

He could not stand anyone second guessing him.

Those type of blokes should never be allowed to breed, just in case its genetic.

I've just read that article and it describes my XP to a tee.

Note, XP.

"i do get the thing where he says 'don't shout' or 'stop shouting' quite a bit, when i'm NOT shouting, but it gets so frustrating that I end up - guess what - shouting"

SugarSkyHigh - this is exactly - and I mean EXACTLY - what he used to do to me. Oooh, I'm starting to tense up just thinking about it!!

This has come along just at the right moment as I'm on here cooling down rather than engaging with the man-child in the kitchen.....

My DH's particular speciality is finding something to dwell on that will make him narky and dark of mood....then hop, with alacrity, to another something when the first something is resolved.

Agreed, I can't stand PA people and they are a nightmare to live with. You get so wound up thinking, what's it gonna be next?

This is pretty good. It describes very well the man I was with.
Nothing was ever his fault.
Nobody was allowed to analyse him or suggest he was to blame for anything. He was so 'misunderstood', such a victim.
He chose women he could get angry with to have relationships with, sadly he also had affairs as a way of expressing his aggression...the deceit afforded him a form of control.
It was seen as almost his 'right', because his wife expected to know where he was (totally reasonably) and he felt that was her controlling him. It was pitiful

I briefly went out with someone like that. I would go and see him, he was at uni quite a way away, and when i got there he would say 'do you want to sit in my room or do you want to go in the front room with my friends' and naturally i said i wanted to go in the front room, at which point he would say 'oh, so you'd rather be with my friends than spend time with me, rant rant rant'

He would also tell me to stop shouting when i clearly wasnt shouting. The worst time was when i went to see him and I had been out the night before with my friends. We were in the pub, it was about 11pm and i said 'lets go back to yours, i'm a bit tired' and he went completely psycho 'YOU WENT OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS LAST NIGHT AND NOW YOU'RE TOO TIRED TO STAY OUT. YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN BECAUSE YOU KNEW WE WERE GOING OUT TONIGHT' etc etc. This happened every time I saw him.

I always knew when he was about to stress out because he would start biting his nails and go really quiet. Once i got there and we went to the pub and he started doing it and i hadnt even said anything. It got tot he point where I was being really really careful about what I said, then I just though 'bloody hell, what am I doing?!' and finished it.

Am strongly tempted to read this bit to DH i've copied from the link lljkk gave:

"The passive-aggressive, perfect as they are in their own minds, simply do not get angry. They do not yell, nor are they so undignified as to lose their temper. They'll leave that up to you, so that, once again, they can justify that they are the ones in control. While you, on the other hand, are clearly a difficult and hurtful person. As they hunger so much for approval, if they don't get it when they expect, the rage will come out. But the rage comes out in a muted form: sighs, sulks, sniffs. That way, they can easily maintain their façade, if questioned, that they are not angry at all"

and say, THAT'S YOU, THAT IS!
i might wait til it's appropriate and just come out with "did you know you were a passive agressive manipulator?" and then come up with the evidence.

oh I'm getting really riled now, remembering how when I walloped him on the arm once because he'd wound me up so f**king much, he then started this smug thing about men who suffer domestic abuse........
AS IF!!!!!

Just read flight attendant's link, and there were elements that made me check behind me for the hidden cameras!

I must agree with the analysis of partners, too, when we married I was very unsure of myself, yet paradoxically, DH's intractability on normal issues and decisions made me look hard at why I was enabling this behaviour.

I find it frustrating that he's only like this some of the time, there are periods of sweet reasonableness, and then thud! The toddler returns!

Lol at Sugar's "That's you, that is" - let us know how that goes!

I have found since I've stopped dashing around giving a damn about his petulance the dark clouds last less time. Disregarding the behaviour obviously works, but man, as projects go, I think I'd have better used my time harling the cat.

Dashing around ignoring his petulance didn't work for me, though...well, that is it worked for me, but not the relationship. He only wanted me when I was willing to respect and believe the promises he made and all that cr*p.
As soon as I started having a little self respect, and stopped behaving as he wanted me to like turning up to see him at work ('I'm working at so and so' and expecting me to come and find him so he could blame me for disrupting his work, rather than arranging to meet me, etc etc)
and got on with my own life, and asked him to be on time for things, he lost interest completely. It was very sad and I was heartbroken. It has taken me years to stop thinking he was 'the one'.
I wish all of you with PA partners success in dealing with their unique way of dealing with the world!!

Oh I see, sorry - I think you know what I mean!

SSH.....either you're with my XP or there's more than one of them.

Now there's a scary thought...

It is so aggravating. XP's key phrase (said with sneer)was 'Why don't you act like a grown up'. God that used to make me soooo angry! Of course in his mind this proved that he was right all along.

Just like in the article!

Flight attendant - It sounds like your ex was an uber PA....

How old were you?