Passive aggressive dh, anyone got one?

[MeImAllSmiles]

How do you deal with it?

i got called a 'fucking cow' last night as i had put his clothes where they belonged, in his wardrobe. the sulking continued today, so i went berserk. then the penny finally dropped that stupid, disrespectful comments like that are hurtful and not on. he says he doesn't mean them so i shouldn't take offence

he does this all the time, getting pissed off at stupid tiny things, lobbing in an insult and expecting me to forget about it. i have asked him why we would never call a stranger a 'fucking cow' to her face, but he'd do it to me, so why does his wife deserve less respect than a stranger.

am leaving the PA page up on the 'puter, wonder if he will recognise himself

sooper, that's not passive aggressive, it's just aggressive. The PA thinks they are perfect so never directly act in ways that would contradict that, eg by calling someone a "fucking cow".

If dog/toddler training methods don't work, then work on not giving a flying fuck about Mr PA's attention seeking (he's a KNOB, who cares what he thinks) and concentrating on his good points. If you realise that there are no goodpoints, then make arrangements to leave. Manipulative people, if you stop showing that their behaviour is upsetting, will respond in one of two ways. They will either get a grip (which iwll only happen if they had a substantial positive side anyway) or they will escalate to such obviously abusive behaviour that you will feel able to walk away with a clear conscience.

Because OK some people can be a bit passive-agressive because they have learned (after longterm being bullied) that it's the way to get their needs met, and if they also have a kind amusing likeable side then they can lose the whiny attentiion seeking behaviour with a bit of firm training. But some people are really up-themselves manipulative and will never learn to be civilised.

Those articles have completely described my ex 100%

It makes me so angry just reading all that and recognising him in every single one of the symptoms of PA.

On the plus side, I'll know what it is if I ever encounter it again and get shot asap.

I think my ex's behaviour came about due to something in his childhood, but I am not sure what. I would love to know what turns a normal person into a PA person, but I do think it happens early on - it was so deep seated with him.

The need for control was immense...the fact he always stated a time, then came either half an hour early so I was not ready, or half an hour late, or cancelled at the last minute after I'd spent all day getting ready...but of course, it was never his fault so I wasn't allowed to get annoyed about it.

It was so funny, it almost became predictable - I would ultimately hear him say 'I'll see you after work then?' and say 'Yes darling, of course' and then I could quite feasibly make plans to do something else entirely, knowing that it would not take place.

Letting it slip that I was thinking that way really wasn't well received. He needed someone who believed him, so he was in control.

Soopermum, I agree that sounds plain abusive - I am so sorry your husband is behaving like this. Please don't stand for it, it is not normal - I think you have enough self esteem at the moment to realise this. I hope you can find a way to get out of the situation - you might ask him to take part in some counselling perhaps? I'm really sorry to say this but often verbal abuse like that can escalate, especially if the woman stays and 'takes' it - it is very unlikely that it will get better - I would hate to think you were not safe xx

(Has he always done this to you or is it recent?)

...and saying he doesn't mean them so it is your fault for getting upset, that is similar to PA behaviour in that he is trying to wind you up and denying it is his fault, but not in the sense that he knows full well he is being bloody hideous to you, and telling you you are making it up. That is exactly how abusive men operate - although often the woman learns to believe them, and starts thinking it really is her fault.

NOBODY calls someone a fucking cow without meaning it, I am so sorry. It is always a huge shock to realise you are a victim of domestic abuse, and no, it doesn't have to involve them lamping you. That is often where it ends up though.

Womensaid is a great place to start - google it - you will find a lot of support there and it might give you a sense that you are not going nuts. lso ways to deal with it and protect yourself even if you do not plan to leave the bastard man who is doing this to you.

Where is his respect?

Here

I am glad that the 'penny dropped' yesterday, Sooper - act on it though, sweetheart x

This is like finding the missing piece to a jigsaw puzzle or remembering a word that has been on the tip of your tongue.

This is my H! Now I can say he is a PA manipulator using covert abuse.

This feel?s like I have made a massive revelation, PA describes my DH to a tee in particular the Ambiguity, Forgetfulness and Sex.
Now I do believe I know where it stems from, it would not be fair to go into detail but throughout our relationship I have begged him to seek resolve with a councillor or the people directly involved, but he won?t can't.
He promises the world, but never delivers. He tells me daily he loves me but his actions make me feel utterly unloved.
What to do, I just cannot decide. He can be such great company, funny and great with the kids, works hard in his job. I do not want to spend singledom in regret.
However, what is now cutting me the most is the way my 4-year-old DS has started speaking to me, it is his fathers voice and it makes me cry inside. His father has disciplined him twice this weekend for it but I?m too scared to say, ??but that?s how you sound?? it will just open a farcical heated debate where I?ll be accused of never being satisfied etc, etc.
He?s great at doing the big things arranging the mortgage, organising the build of our new bathroom the car etc but on a daily basis I am the one still on my feet at 9pm whilst he?s fallen asleep on the kids floor or is lying on the sofa. If I ask for assistance I get the rolled eyes routine and reminded, ??of how much he does but it?s never enough??
He uses his forgetfulness as a get out clause for helping me do stuff, I?ve offered to write it down for him, and then I?m accused of treating him like a kid!
I?ve learnt how to rehearse my lines prior to discussing things with him so as not to aggravate him.
He can say sorry if he?s in the wrong but we usually have to have a row first (and yes, I?m told not to shout, I?m impassioned but I am not shouting) where I?m insulted, then a period of 2 ? 3 weeks where we just exist as a couple, then finally a confessional with apology.
Resolution is needed I cannot have my child thinking he can treat people anyhow he wants.
Oh, God I could go on and on, I just cannot stand it anymore.
We?ve been together 12 years (married for 7) and have 2 DSs and I work part-time.

Sounds just like my H. We are about to get divorced.

passiveaggressive.homestead.com/HOWandWhy.html

Quote -
THE SLOT MACHINE SYNDROME

Another question we often ask ourselves is why do we stay in it long after we should have left... Everyone has their personal reasons, good and valid, i.e. family.... but Dr. Simon (IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING) has a theory and is as follows:

"There's a syndrome that can develop in abusive, manipulative relationships that prompts a victim to stay even when they've often thought about leaving. Anyone who has played slot machines knows that it's difficult to stop pulling the lever even when you're losing pretty badly. There are primarily 4 reasons:

1. There's the appeal of the jackpot; receiving something valuable for a small investment.

1. Whether or not you will get anything for your efforts depends only on the degree to which you are willing to "respond." With a slot machine, you have to do a lot of "responding" (investing) to even have a chance of winning.

1. Every now and then, a "cherry" appears and you "win" a little something. This reinforces the idea that your investment is not for naught and that "winning" a larger payoff is really possible if you just keep investing.

1. After you've been worn down by the machine's abuse and are tempted to walk away, you're faced with a most difficult dilemma. If you leave, you leave behind a substantial investement. You not only have to walk away from your abuser, but from a huge chunk of yourself. To disengage with nothing to show for your time and energy but a broken spirit is hard to do.

wow, just been reading through this thread and the links (thanks)

tis a real lightbulb moment

it describes h to a tee,

nice to be able to put a name to it though

My mother told me if anyone starts a conversation, "I don't mean to be rude..." (typical passive aggressive gambit)
she replied calmly, "but you're going to be."

I'm not married to a PA but dh had (notice the past tense) a PA friend who was such hard work (all heavy sighs, reproachful looks, could take almost any comment the wrong way...) I phoned him tell him about a job I knew he'd be interested in, only for him to say in a hurt voice, "Is that the only reason you're phoning me?"

The friendship ended more dramatically than I ever expected when my dh, a laid back gentle giant, punched him because of his rudeness to me at a party!

Heated - DH said to me yesterday (in hurt voice) "Is that the only reason you're phoning me?" when I phoned him to tell him his parcel from Play.com had arrived.

I feel like Treadmillmum.

ok, honest questions. Do these behaviours sound like PA or am I being unfair on DH?:

Driving: he makes critical comments and nervous suck breath noises if he's passenger and I'm driving. So much so I'd rather not drive him anywhere. Not that I think I'm a great driver, but A) I'm no worse than he is, and B) I think it's extremely rude to comment on someone's driving unless you're terrified for your life. Not that he is terrified, he's just being fussy.

If we go somewhere together he always checks and tightens up the kids' seatbelts after I initially strap them in (I don't even bother to do it 'right' if he's coming since I know he'll always double-check and try to tighten -- the kids often complain they can't breathe and I slightly loosen belts up again when DH not looking). He does nothing about the belts if I go out with kids without him.

The back wall area behind our kitchen sink isn't sealed properly. So there's a risk of water trickling down and causing the units to rot. Although DH claims to be keen on DIY and mostly competent at it and some DIY things even I agree he's quite good at he claims we can do nothing to seal the back of the kitchen sink area. So when I finish washing up he leaps forward to wipe the area behind sink. Similar problem with upstairs bath (any splash on the tile surround has a tendency to go thru to ceiling below). Can't fix the problem, DH shouts at the children for any tiny bit of splashing out of bath instead. This has been going on 3 years!

Fusses over things I cook, elbowing in and cutting up vegetables differently or moving stuff to different pots, etc. Although to be fair, I sneakily lower the temp/cut time short when he cooks meat because he overdoes it (I refuse to eat hard sausages).

He's just so F'ing fussy... His mum is the same, she hovers over what we do when we're guests in her house, insisting the toast I'm happily buttering can't be toasted enough or the tea I'm happily drinking must be too cold, etc.

lljkk YANBU, the examples you mention sound just like the sort of crap that my dh does.

heated: as well as ' i don't mean to be rude but...' the one my mother always uses is
"i hate to say this but "

(in other words, i love to say this)lol