Easier when dh is away

[Reluctantadult]

I don't know what to do about something. My dh has been staying with his mum for the last 10 days for the very sad reason that her husband, dh's dad, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Obviously everyone is so upset. My problem though (and believe me I feel like a right cow for these thoughts - hence anonymous forum) is unfortunately, I have found things so much easier when he's not here. I haven't told the children off once. Getting everything done in the house is also straightforward. Dh has just come home half an hour ago, he's told dd7 off three times, I've had to make him take the kids and dog out for a walk because I can't (dropped the vacuum on my toe!) and it's obvious to me they just need to go out. I haven't missed him, in fact it's been easier not having to act as some sort of go between with him and the kids. I've also enjoyed not sharing a bed. He's not abusive in any sense, he pulls his weight, he is the breadwinner. He's not as chilled as me and tends to butt heads with the kids and says I don't back him up. But what do I do with this going forward?! I know I need to squash it right now to support dh and his family.

Bump. How do I broach this with dh, at some point? Feels a bit like he pecks at the kids all the time, then they blow.

Sounds like if you’re all happier without him there then you should think about whether the relationship is working for you

I would start by, when enough time as passed he has had enough time to grieve his dad, going to couples counselling specifically around the issue of how you parent together.

Even if you split up, you will be co-parents for a very long time.

No advice but I have a similar issue. My Dh seems to not like parenting and so it’s constant stress when he is home because his expectations are too high and he gets frustrated when the kids act like kids.

Maybe tell him… “ you know when I’m alone with the children it is like x/y/s…..” and see if that starts a conversation. He’d need to be receptive though.

Recently I said to my Dh I was concerned that the way he approaches discipline with our son is going to lead to major issues in the coming year or two, low and behold the next day the issue arose as predicted….but sooner. That was actually useful as my Dh took the lesson a little.

My father started working abroad when I was 9, he didn't stop until I was 18. I hated him coming back on annual leave (and he rarely did), my mother was a totally different person when he was...far more uptight and nitpicky about everything. Even to my inexperienced eyes it seemed she was a lot happier when he wasn't there.

He left my mother for another woman when I was 21. My mother has since admitted that things were easier when he wasn't there, even though she felt a lot of resentment at being a 'single' parent. Both myself and my two brothers knew that they didn't love each other, there was no physical affection between them and none shown to us, either. I think we all would have been a lot happier if they had split up when my father first started working abroad.

I don't want to split up, I do want to be able to have a smoother time and more fun together as a family.

@Reluctantadult

I don't want to split up, I do want to be able to have a smoother time and more fun together as a family.

You cannot change him If he doesn't see an issue He won't change

But he s just bereaved

So you need to point out what’s wrong, he needs to accept it, then he needs to change.
You need to think about how your life will be if he doesn’t.

If he's like this with the children now, he will be far worse when they are teenagers.

My father hated being a parent, never wanted to be one in the first place (my mother is Catholic). He did it for 10 years, then basically decided to act like he was a single man again. There was nothing my mother could do - even following him around the world for 6 years - to stop him.

His dad died ten days ago, now is not the time to do anything but be supportive.

And maybe it would be better if you were the breadwinner and he had more time at home. He would build stronger bonds with the kids and wouldn't have the stress of being the breadwinner.

@noirchatsdeux

If he's like this with the children now, he will be far worse when they are teenagers.

My father hated being a parent, never wanted to be one in the first place (my mother is Catholic). He did it for 10 years, then basically decided to act like he was a single man again. There was nothing my mother could do - even following him around the world for 6 years - to stop him.

I do worry what he'll be like when the kids are teenagers. Particularly Dd, who is strong willed. Ds is more mellow.

@Reluctantadult

I don't want to split up, I do want to be able to have a smoother time and more fun together as a family.

Wait a while (ie 6-12 months) and then take a parenting course/counselling

Meanwhile, keep a diary to work out what the tension points in the house/parenting are; you may be able to find your own solutions

Meanwhile: I’m not saying you wouldn’t, but treat your husband as you would like to be treated, we all lose a parent one day

Re reevaluating your relationship: fine to think about things, but I see lots of people with kids split, form new blended families: it seems so pointless. Exchanging old problems for a new and trickier set, and less cash to go around while jeopardising home, pensions etc

OP I am sorry to tell you that this is what I started feeling about mine, now ex, years ago. I am not saying that you have to break up or that this will happen to you, but I honestly think that in a good and happy marriage people do not feel happier when the other one is not here.

Like one other poster said, if you want to fix this definitely try couples therapy. Hopefully he will be up for it, my ex flat out refused it. Try and explain to him that you are doing it because you want to have better relationship, you want to save your marriage. If there is hope for you guys therapy should help you communicate better or you would realize that you have deeper problems that are not fixable. Good luck OP.

Do you talk about parenting strategies and styles? Did you before you had DC, or now, ever?

Have you talked about how you were patented, what both your parents got right, what you’d like to do differently?

If not suggest you find a book (suggest Calm Parents, Happy Kids) or web resources try ahaparenting.com or hand in hand parenting

And then use that as a basis for starting a discussion.

My DH had very controlling authoritarian parents. He’s aware of the negative impact that has on him but in the day to day finds it challenging, especially when he’s stressed (whcih he often is by his very demanding job).

But we’ve had the discussions I suggest you have. And I use the resources and get him to read and implement them.

Often that’s a constructive discussion. Sometimes it tougher.

But I am absolutely clear it’s a red line for me and he is responsible for overcoming his issues and parenting more kindly and responsively than his parents did.

It can be hard work and sometimes I resent having to coach and council him - I can feel like his therapist.

And when I’m tired too he’s not always able to step in and care for the kids as they need. So I have to dig deep.

But we’re getting there. And a big part of that is me putting in place support for me (eg a fab gym membership, some Saturday morning childcare as we don’t have any family help) so I’m rested and get enough me time to both parent my kids well and coach him to.

He does appreciate this and tells me so in a heartfelt way.

I've read quite a few parenting books, dh has also read how to talk so kids will listen, and 123 magic. He goes through periods of really trying, but kind of falls off the wagon. Our Dd can certainly be testing.

I struggle because I see him "doing things wrong", I can't resist sticking up for my daughter, and I don't think I should. Dh then says I don't have his back, and undermine him. I don't know how to break this pattern.

I had exactly the same thing. Life with my exh and the kids was so chaotic, stressful, we never saw eye to eye. So I started taking my kids for long days out & felt like a load had been lifted from my shoulders, I actually felt like I was a different person & definetly a better mother when I was away from him. If you are both on the same page maybe you can both make changes to move forwards but my ex never was, so we had to split. Life is so much better now, it feels like every day is a holiday compared to my old life

Dh obviously knows when he's doing it. Obviously with his dad dying he's being introspective, and he's said he wants to be a good dad. Tonight he's come to tell me that he put Dd in a time out, why, and that he didn't lose his cool. But he can't keep it, he's raised his voice twice since! To be fair the kids are winding him up.

thing is though, splitting up doesn't just mean he's not there and everything else stays the same. It means most of his income isn't there, so you have to work and juggle everything and you might suddenly find you are less chilled out and calm than you are now. Depending on how contact works itself out and how messy the breakup is, you might find yourself making the vast majority of decisions alone without the emotional support or sounding board of the only other adult who has parental authority. There's a massive difference between getting on with it alone when the dad is working away but still emotionally and financially supportive and ACTUALLY doing it alone. I strongly suggest you (obviously after the current situation) work actively on improving the issues you've raised. It does sound like he is open to ideas, reading books etc. But it all needs to be done in a calm way, NOT when an actual problem is in progress.

Tell him everyone's been happier while he's been away. Brutal, I know, but he has to understand how serious this is. You don't understand his parenting and you don't need or want it. If nothing changes, you might have to rethink the situation.

OP,

The timing is shit but the issue is huge.

If you feel it, your children definitely feel it.

You definitely need to say it and you need to get a job asap.

Your marriage is not in a good place when life is better when he isn't around.

There is no getting away from feeling that.

Unchallenged, the teen years will be hell and you could have serious issues.

Of course you have to back your child up if he is picking on her and bullying her.

Her first relationship with a man is with her father and hers is very poor.

Your marriage may not survive.

Return to work and suggest counselling.

Sooner rather than later.

This feeling you have will only increase, not fade.

I don't want to split. For one thing we'd need to co-parent, so it's better to try to improve things. But dh is obviously finding it hard to change. And it IS hard to change yourself, isn't it. How does anyone actually do it?

I do have a job, albeit 9-3. I could up that if I had to. I'm not worried about standing on my own really. But I would rather we fixed this.

I've definitely got some thinking to do in how to tackle this and how I help.

I wonder if he'll need to talk to someone about his dad too.

He has to get help himself He us not your child He is an adult you can suggest but his choice
He has to want to change

you feel life nicer when he not there your dc will too and better they end up having his weight only half the time

You can change your response

At least if you split the children will have one peaceful home and I can assure you they will become very vocal very quickly about not wanting to be with him much.

This is too serious to be ignored.