Easier when dh is away

[Reluctantadult]

I don't know what to do about something. My dh has been staying with his mum for the last 10 days for the very sad reason that her husband, dh's dad, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Obviously everyone is so upset. My problem though (and believe me I feel like a right cow for these thoughts - hence anonymous forum) is unfortunately, I have found things so much easier when he's not here. I haven't told the children off once. Getting everything done in the house is also straightforward. Dh has just come home half an hour ago, he's told dd7 off three times, I've had to make him take the kids and dog out for a walk because I can't (dropped the vacuum on my toe!) and it's obvious to me they just need to go out. I haven't missed him, in fact it's been easier not having to act as some sort of go between with him and the kids. I've also enjoyed not sharing a bed. He's not abusive in any sense, he pulls his weight, he is the breadwinner. He's not as chilled as me and tends to butt heads with the kids and says I don't back him up. But what do I do with this going forward?! I know I need to squash it right now to support dh and his family.

What Billy1966 wrote.

Do you think he would be at all bothered with his children post separation given how he is with them now?. It takes two to improve things and you cannot save this on your own.

Why also did he feel the need to tell off his DD7 three times within the space of 30 minutes?. What's going on with him here?. Is that representative of what life is like at home for her week in and week out?.

And why is it your job to fix things?. It is not, you've likely been yourself conditioned to think that it is the female's job always to smooth troubled waters.

And what are these children doing exactly to wind him up?. And they are not winding you up are they, you have seen no need to tell off your DD.

Re your comment about him pulling his weight, well he does not really do this. If he did you would not have written anything like your comment about you making him take the kids and dog out for a walk because you can't as you dropped the vacuum on your toe.

Your other comment, "In fact it's been easier not having to act as some sort of go between with him and the kids. I've also enjoyed not sharing a bed" are all very telling re him too.

I would like to remind you that abuse is not solely physical in nature either. Ask yourself too what you're getting out of this relationship now because its something so what is it?.

I completely understand @Reluctantadult I too am far happier and more relaxed, and more me, when dh isn't around. Unlike you though, I do want to split. It's exhausting and draining to imagine him hanging around getting on everyone's nerves for the next 20 years, I can't do it any longer. I'm just getting over covid now but even though I'm knackered and feeling like I just want to go to bed on an evening, I'll take the kids out to play in the garden for as long as possible, just to avoid being in the house with him. Anyway, that's another story I won't go into.

But if you want to stay with your DH, he must make some massive changes, and you will have to tell him so. He clearly doesn't realise how you're feeling, and so probably doesn't see anything wrong. The bottom line is, if he wants you to be happy, he'll do something about it. You should be able to tell your partner freely how you feel, good or bad, and the same goes for them with you. If you can't, it's not good news for your relationship. The worst thing you can do (as I am doing) is stay silent and end up consumed with resentment. Of course it's a bit more difficult when he's grieving for his dad as he is now, but if my experience is anything to go by, there will always be something that makes you think it's a bad time to say or do anything about this, and it will go on and on. Your kids deserve better than to walk on eggshells all the time, and you do not want them to grow up in the atmosphere, as @AttilaTheMeerkat will wisely tell you. As simple as it sounds, you have to talk to him. If he isn't willing to change to make you happy, you'll have to think again. Good luck

Thanks @19Bears and sorry you're in a situation too.

I have had to say something already, despite the terrible timing, as a head butting with 7yo about something minor spiralled, ending with Dd saying she hates dh and running upstairs. I wasn't in the room at the time to witness. But after thinking on it during school run I said to dh basically that although I know it might not have been 'his fault' or say 'six of one, half a dozen of the other', he is the adult and as such will have to shoulder the responsibility of finding a better way to communicate and forging a better relationship. Rightly or wrongly the kids have got a perception that he shouts / raises his voice at them. That's come from somewhere. I'm not sure how it went. We didn't shout or fall out. I tried very hard to be matter of fact. Dh said at the time something like fine then, you can deal with her (Dd). The last 2 days I can tell he's been watching how I handle things with the kids and he has said once that I handled something well, when Dd was kicking off about something minor. I'm not sure how it'll pan out.

Dh is so devastated about his dad though that we are just dealing with each day at a time.

Thanks for all your posts, @AttilaTheMeerkat, I have only just seen them!

I had to make him walk kids and dogs because he had only just walked in the door having been way for 1 week supporting his mum. He probably wanted to chill out! He is devastated about losing his dad.

It is actually quite hard to describe what's going on here. It's not screaming and shouting by any stretch. Our Dd is quite difficult in lots of respects and some people seem to know how to handle her quite intuitively. Other people really don't. Me, my mum, her current teacher, all good. Other people, which unfortunately includes dh but definitely is not only dh, just seem to get into conflict with her. I can literally see /hear them doing /saying something and I just think, oh ffs, this is going badly. BUT a big problem is dh is quite, my way or the highway, about little things that just do not matter. Like how to put a bloody bike helmet on. He can't seem to see the line where actually he should just realise something doesn't matter and let it go. Instead he will use a firm voice to try to force 'compliance'. This works 0% of the time on Dd and escalates a situation that frankly was not important.

The truth OP is, brutal as it sounds, if he doesn't get his shit together and leave his children alone, they sure as hell will NOT grieve him, and most certainly won't be devastated.

Young children accept a bit of giving out to from parents, but your child is telling you she hates her father.

You are entering permanent damage area in your children's life.

If you feel unable to fully tackle this, him leaving the home would be a good interim solution.

The children are being relentlessly bullied by him.

I promise you that you could be dealing with depression, anxiety, self harming, acting in a few years and it will be traced back to this.

Secondary school pastoral care staff come across this all the time.

You can only do so much.

Suggest it when they are out of the house.

You cannot continue to walk on eggshells around his grief as he emotionally abuses your children and they then tell you they hate him.

The price is too high protecting him, rather than them.

I've heard what you've said @billy1966 but I think that's making it seem worse that it is. I know you'll think yeah yeah, but you wouldn't if you knew us in real life. However I posted on here because I'm concerned that we are on the start of the path that leads to the place you describe. I need to make it clear to dh that that's my concern and he's got to fix this. I have started to do that. I'm hoping he thinks it over, he usually comes back to things a few days later. I suppose I was also hoping for tips on how to broach this or whether people can actually change.

I am definitely 'on watch' though. And that is shit for me yes but I'll cope with that.

Your husband will only change if he wants to. What sort of role models did he have in his parents?.

You becoming ever increasingly vigilant to him and his accompanying moods will serve to further harm you emotionally. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this @Reluctantadult That made me shiver about the bike helmet. I'd forgotten all about the time he did this with DS14 when he was about 4 or 5, and held him still while he forced the helmet onto his head while he was screaming and crying. We were only on the grass in the park, and it was all so unnecessary. He also called him 'pathetic.' I wish I'd just walked away then. Strangely enough, they don't have the best relationship now, ten years down the line

OP,
You sound like a good mum in a difficult situation.

I think you will manage this.

Your instincts are spot.

I don't want to split up, I do want to be able to have a smoother time and more fun together as a family.

I don't think that's going to happen for a while, given his bereavement and that he is trying to support his mother.

Give it a few months then suggest counselling?

Otherwise it just sounds as though you'd rather be without him, but don't want the guilt of splitting at a difficult time.

He has just lost his Dad! Your marital problems are nothing to do with this.