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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last night my husband told me "People like you, look down on people like me."

29 replies

ilovelamp2 · 20/03/2022 10:28

We were with our daughter playing a few board games, wordles and quizzes after tea. Pretty normal thing for us to do together on a Saturday night.

Earlier in the day I'd been at work on a staff leadership development thing, we'd stayed over in a hotel on the Friday night. It was okay but I'm a bit of a home bird, especially at weekend so was happy to be back home. The course was a bit dull (husband and I had exchanged a few jokey texts about this) but there were a couple of random puzzles we had to do in pairs so I brought a couple home as I thought we might enjoy having a go with our daughter (11.) They were absolutely nothing to do with the content of the course, just daft things like rearrange the paper so that each horse has a rider on it. Anyway, him and daughter had a go together at that one. Seemed fine then suddenly he's like, "This is ridiculous, it's impossible!" so I said to both of them something like, "Have another go, keep going!" and he just completely lost it. He said that I was laughing at him and that's what people like me do, look down on people like him to make him feel stupid. I tried to laugh it off because I honestly thought he was kidding but he carried on. I tried to shut the conversation down by saying we need to leave this for now. His voice was raised, mine wasn't. Daughter really upset that we were arguing. He finally stopped. She ran upstairs and then came back down with a board game which we sat and played in near silence. After about half an hour, daughter asked if I could show her how to solve the puzzle which I did. Husband was laughing when he saw the answer and apologised for flying off the handle.

(Well done if you're still reading this random, rather boring story....)

But then later, when she had gone to bed, I realised that he was apologising for saying that in front of our daughter, but that he was still angry that I had made him look stupid in front of his daughter apparently. What?! You've done that yourself! (I didn't say that to him, of course.) He said that people in management are always like that and that he has enough of them at work. I pointed out that I don't work where he works and it's not fair to take out his frustrations on me. I was initially cross that he went on like that in front of daughter and spoilt a chunk of the evening but now I am just so hurt that he thinks I look down on others and "I'm one of them." I really have not done anything to deserve that.

For context, I've always had a leadership role and he has previously been 100% supportive and actually proud of me. I also know that he does not like his job, hasn't for a long time but won't/ can't change roles. I suspect that is where the resentment is coming from but feels like he is being cruel and nasty to me and I don't deserve it. I've said I'm sorry if you are feeling that way but I am not apologising for playing a daft game! His reaction was completely disproportionate.

This morning, he's just got up without even speaking to me and just gone downstairs. Daughter still in bed as usual! Do I try and broach the conversation or just go out for a walk and leave him to it?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 20/03/2022 10:31

I'd leave him to it for a bit this morning. It sounds like it's something that does need discussing.

Herbie0987 · 20/03/2022 10:33

In your place I would leave him to it, and carry on your day as normal. He is probably feeling a bit of an idiot and trying to talk about it might stir things.

Keladrythesaviour · 20/03/2022 10:34

I'm sure people will disagree and says it's his job to apologise to you (I do agree to an extent) but I think this is one of those situations where you can either be resentful and upset, or extend the hand of love and move on.
Personally, I'd go down, put my arms around him and say "I would never EVER look down on you, you amaze me every day" and give him a kiss. He reacted out of a place of distress and personal crisis. It doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, but people aren't always sensible. I have real problems with not feeling good enough (my career never really took off, whereas my husband's did, so I perhaps have a bit of empathy for him.) It's very hard to motivate yourself to apply for something new when you feel line possible rejection might destroy what little confidence you have left. It also can rear it's ugly head at really unfortunate times. Hopefully if you extend the hand of love he will also back down and apologise or at least realise that he was wrong.

pusspuss9 · 20/03/2022 10:34

If it were me, I would leave it as bringing it up at this point will probably provoke more anger and it could escalate.
I would probably wait for a calmer possibly relevant moment and bring it up then.

Itshothothot · 20/03/2022 10:36

He’s got a massive chip on his shoulder about being inferior to others.

pusspuss9 · 20/03/2022 10:37

Having said the above I have since read @Keladry's post and think that's a wise way to go.

pointythings · 20/03/2022 10:48

I'd definitely leave it for now, but it does bear thinking and talking about. A relationship where one partner has feelings of inferiority to the other can turn really toxic - it was one of the reasons why my late husband turned to alcohol. He regularly made snide remarks about my university education and the fact that I tended to research things before making a decision. I didn't see the danger and it all went very wrong. An honest conversation about what we valued about each other might have helped.

CityCommuter · 20/03/2022 10:49

@ilovelamp2 I'd leave it for now and not bring it up again this morning... the fact that he got up without speaking implies he's still in a bad mood unless of course he usually does this... your DH sounds very angry about something so are you sure it's all about solving the puzzle and him looking stupid (as he perceives it btw)? Maybe that was a convenient time for him to 'lose it' when really it's something else bothering him... is he prone to sudden outbursts of anger or is this a one off?

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 20/03/2022 10:50

I am quite inclined to do that actually but scared that if he is unkind again, I will get upset. It's Sunday and we should be doing things together before the crazy week starts again ....

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 20/03/2022 10:51

I think I would just leave it. Raising it, even to say you don't look down on him might just embarrass him.

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 20/03/2022 10:58

[quote CityCommuter]@ilovelamp2 I'd leave it for now and not bring it up again this morning... the fact that he got up without speaking implies he's still in a bad mood unless of course he usually does this... your DH sounds very angry about something so are you sure it's all about solving the puzzle and him looking stupid (as he perceives it btw)? Maybe that was a convenient time for him to 'lose it' when really it's something else bothering him... is he prone to sudden outbursts of anger or is this a one off? [/quote]
Good question ...... not sure. He is much more mellow these days (usually!) but has been prone to losing his temper over seemingly unimportant things.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 20/03/2022 11:05

It sounds like he has a low frustration tolerance. When he was a child, did someone (e.g. a teacher) used to tease him or make fun of him for not being able to do something? Because what he said to you sounds like he's projecting from a place of trauma, from a different time and place when someone who "looked down on him" made him feel stupid and useless, and maybe he needs time and space to get to the bottom of that to feel good enough to be with you.

I think pointing that out to him might make things worse though because it sounds like the fact you seem to have all the answers is what upsets him. I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset but I think his upset is understandable too.

Derelicthome · 20/03/2022 11:37

He sounds desperately unhappy. I hope a solution can be found for his work situation.
This is one of those warning signs. He’s reached his limit. Something needs to change.

Derelicthome · 20/03/2022 11:39

And I’m sorry you and your daughter’s night was spoilt by his behaviour.

MrsEricBana · 20/03/2022 11:43

@Keladrythesaviour

I'm sure people will disagree and says it's his job to apologise to you (I do agree to an extent) but I think this is one of those situations where you can either be resentful and upset, or extend the hand of love and move on. Personally, I'd go down, put my arms around him and say "I would never EVER look down on you, you amaze me every day" and give him a kiss. He reacted out of a place of distress and personal crisis. It doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, but people aren't always sensible. I have real problems with not feeling good enough (my career never really took off, whereas my husband's did, so I perhaps have a bit of empathy for him.) It's very hard to motivate yourself to apply for something new when you feel line possible rejection might destroy what little confidence you have left. It also can rear it's ugly head at really unfortunate times. Hopefully if you extend the hand of love he will also back down and apologise or at least realise that he was wrong.
This is such an empathetic post. If you love your husband do this as he obviously has an insecurity here. Then move on and have a lovely day with your daughter.
florianfortescue · 20/03/2022 12:11

I wish I had @Keladrythesaviour's empathy and maturity. I would probably lose my temper and tell him to grow up and stop being so petulant. What a terrible example to set to your DD.

Don't do that though, do what @Keladrythesaviour said!

Original poster
ilovelamp2 · 20/03/2022 12:31

So I heard the lawn mower on the go and decided to join him in the garden, started weeding. He came and helped me for a few minutes then said how sorry he was about last night, really embarrassed. We've had a hug and he's told me he doesn't feel that way about me but he does about pretty much everyone else. As previous posters have suggested, it does all seem to come from how his father used to belittle him, still does if he gets the chance.....

I think people are right, he has reached his limit and something has to change.

He also said he wants to give up drinking as it makes him feel less worthy and more emotional. We did have wine last night, not loads but alcohol is a depressant, isn't it? I've told him I will of course support him with his decision.

With regards to the work issue, we've been here many, many times before and just got nowhere. We're nearing 50, he doesn't have many qualifications and doesn't have the confidence to start something from scratch himself. He also works from home now and does genuinely prefer that - less hassle from team leaders and then there's the many benefits from working from home.

Don't know where to go next with this really so we're going to B and Q to buy a jetwash so we can clean the decking and get the garden furniture out - as you do?! At least we are doing something together.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 20/03/2022 12:36

I hate people with chips on their shoulders. So so tedious. Never apologise for your

roarfeckingroarr · 20/03/2022 12:36

*intelligence or success

roarfeckingroarr · 20/03/2022 12:40

@Keladrythesaviour

I'm sure people will disagree and says it's his job to apologise to you (I do agree to an extent) but I think this is one of those situations where you can either be resentful and upset, or extend the hand of love and move on. Personally, I'd go down, put my arms around him and say "I would never EVER look down on you, you amaze me every day" and give him a kiss. He reacted out of a place of distress and personal crisis. It doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, but people aren't always sensible. I have real problems with not feeling good enough (my career never really took off, whereas my husband's did, so I perhaps have a bit of empathy for him.) It's very hard to motivate yourself to apply for something new when you feel line possible rejection might destroy what little confidence you have left. It also can rear it's ugly head at really unfortunate times. Hopefully if you extend the hand of love he will also back down and apologise or at least realise that he was wrong.
I would've done that with my ex who I absolutely loved, but never the father of my child who I have had such chippy bollocks from for years. I think your post should be published as an example for people to read to determine how they feel about their partners. Kindness - they deserve empathy. Disdain - they probably don't.
girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 12:48

I'm glad he's apologised and has a plan in place to move forwards from this.

You both sound lovely.

EssexCat · 20/03/2022 12:55

@girlmom21

I'm glad he's apologised and has a plan in place to move forwards from this.

You both sound lovely.

Yep I agree. I think you’ve both dealt with it well (eventually, in his case but I do empathise with him).
IsThePopeCatholic · 20/03/2022 13:04

Good luck. He may benefit from therapy to discuss his childhood/horrible father. I feel sorry for him.

asfuckedascanbe1224 · 20/03/2022 15:27

What was the puzzle?? Blush

lennybruceisnotafraid · 20/03/2022 18:08

Yes, what was the puzzle!

Poor chap, bet he feels very sorry and daft and a bit down on himself.