dd, DH and me

[WhyIsEverythingSoHard]

Already posted about it in chat but I'd really like yoour opinion re DH and I rather what to say to dd.

So, dd (18yo) is preparing for her A levels. Obvioulsy she should be full on in the middle of her revisions. Her mocks were ok but not as good as they could have been. She also has a bf and wants to spend time with him. She is doing a competitive sport so is busy a lot (most) of the weekends because of that.
That's for the background.

DH and I have a difference of opinion on how what to say to dd when she wants to go out (lets say friday evening with friends or staying at her bf).

I think she is 18yo. it's up to her to decide what to do. I am worried that (like a lot of students!) she'll leave it too late to do everything but after that, I want to leave her to it.

DH thinks it is disgraceful she is going out like this. He has an issue with her going out because he basically thinks she is lazy/she should be at her desk revising. On the other side, he doesn't have any issue with her doing her sport and spending all the weekend doing that, even taking time out of school. He is actually encouraging that!

Now we've had lots of arguments around that. I explained to him dd is 18yo, blabla. I think it's damaging our relationhsip woth dd and I am happy with that. He won't listen and will have a go at dd (or me!) each time she asking us to go out.

dd is always coming to me rather than DH when she wants to go out. I really want to answer the way I want to ('Yes of course. When will you be back?').
But is that appropriate? (Im thinking the whole presenting a united front to dd, being on the same page etc...)

I agree with you. She should be able to go out on a Friday night. No one can work all the time and we all need down time.

Conversely I do wonder if she should limit her sports competitions a bit until after the exams? Not cut out completely but it does sound like it's very full on. And certainly I wouldn't be happy her missing school for the sport at this crucial time. She needs to be in every lesson she can imo.

She is 18 and next year probably at university so making all her own decisions. Important to give her the tools to do that herself and balance her work and leisure time.

She doesn't sound in the least bit lazy to me.

There is a danger she will rebel if you constrict her too much at that age.

She needs downtime, it's actually better for her studying wise. Look up focus and diffuse mode during studying. Diffuse mode is when you're away from actively studying yet your mind continues working to cement the information you've learned at your desk in focus mode.

Agree with all that.

But my issue is how to approach that with DH! I can simply ignore his opinion and tell dd it's OK. But I am not sure it's the best way to handle on a relationhsip *(between me and DH) pov iyswim
The problem is - he won't listen and has a go at dd each time. I don't want to be part of that.

Yes totally agree with @TibetanTerrah - if I'm really stuck on / exhausted by something for work, I go out for a quick walk, come back, and can suddenly do it fine.

The brain is a bit like a muscle. It needs exercise (work/revision), but also rest. And variety. Students who work too hard (especially around revision) can seem to 'burn out' and get to the exams and don't perform as well as they might have had they paced themselves. They are just exhausted by it.

You and your dh need to come to some compromise. Maybe it can be during the week she stays at home and studies for a set amount of hours. Weekends- Friday and Saturday nights she’s out but Sunday after sports she’s in to prepare herself for the week.
I can see both sides of your argument. Realistically she’s not going to focus much on Friday and Saturday nights. Especially when she knows her friends are out. It is her life to choose what to do but she’s young. Your dh doesn’t want her to make mistakes over a boyfriend and some friends.
Can you make an agreement with dh and then sit down together with dd to say she’s in during the week so really she has to plan her weekend between seeing her bf and her friends whilst doing sports. Agree thag if you think it’s too much and it’s really hindering her studying and making her stressed then you’ll need to sit down again.
Remind her it’s only for a short time until exams are over and then she’ll have the whole summer!

At the age of 18, she is old enough to manage her own life.

In fact with both of my dc, even much younger than that, I explained to them that they had choices. They could either piss about, not take their studies seriously, and end up with poor results which would affect their options for uni/careers. Or, they could work hard and get the best results they were capable of. Up to them.

I supported them, offered to test them with revision when required etc, but never put any pressure on them. Fortunately they went with option B but I just think ultimately they need to want to do it, you can't make them.

Yup, your DH sounds far trickier to handle than your daughter 😆

The classic is to make the other person think it was their idea... not sure how easy that is in practice.

Trouble is, you really need to know someone to know the best way to handle them - and I don't know him. He does sound a bit intransigent, and very competitive. To me it's weird he'd prioritise a sport over school work. So I can tell he and I just wouldn't see eye to eye on things...

Hmmm - if I think of any good ideas today I will post again.

I would leave him to it. Let him have a go at her, it’s not your fight.
As long as she knows what she needs to get into Uni, and is working towards it, it’s her life.

At 18 I wouldn't have even asked permission to go out. I'd have just said I'm off out and if questioned probably told you that I'm an adult and ill make my own choices. There's nothing you or him can do otherwise and the more your dh annoys her and makes a fuss the less inclined she will be to knuckle down.

Your DH wands your daughter to study on Friday and Saturday nights?

Surely as long as she is revising, and keeping up with her schoolwork, then going out is ok?

Is she going to university? Does she have an offer, and if so is she on track to meet her offer?

You need to tell him you disagree with him and that you won't be supporting his point of view. If he chooses to damage his relationship with your dd it is up to him. Your dd does not need his permission to go out at 18 either. Sounds like he just dislikes the idea of her going out. He is dressing it up as concern about revising but if this was the case he would want her to give up some of the sport too.

@CorsicaDreaming I agree DH is tricky one there!

I’ve tried to talk to him, explain etc…
We’ve had discussion on how it’s more productive to have a break. That she is 18yo etc…
But he is just extremely judgemental about her going out. It’s just NOT. OK. according to him…..

If he won’t listen, what can I do?

You step away and refuse to be drawn into it.
You have your own opinion, and you’re entitled it.

@spotcheck she doesn’t have all her offers yet. Some Unis are very late this year.
But she is certainly in track to have her second choice. Should be on track for her first choice too (should be higher requirements) Wo too much effort.

Sorry lots if Xpost there.

@GeneLovesJezebel, yes I’ve come back to that conclusion.

Simply saying YES to dd when she wants to go out. And tell him to go and have a word with her when he is grumpy WITH ME because dd is going out.

Your husband needs a reality check. He's already pushing your daughter away and needs to be careful. She doesn't need his permission to go out and he sounds like a bully actually.

There are two main possibilities here -

a) Your husband genuinely thinks she should be more studious and is tolerating sports because sporting achievements can be put on a C.V maybe, and it might be something he relates too.

b) Your husband is not being honest with you why he has a problem with her going out. It's 'disgraceful' because young women in parotcular shouldn't be out & about, having a good time. The need to be indoors, chaste, where the man of the house can keep a leash on them for as long as possible. He could also just have a general problem with his little girl growing up.

Which one of those do you think is more likely?

@EarthSight I agree about the dressing up. Why he has an issue with dd going out, im not sure. More than ‘girls/women don’t go out like that’ I think he has an issue with a group of friends meeting up at someone’s house and spending the evening together talking (with some moderate alcohol consumption).
Alcohol was been a sticking point before - something along the lines of ‘Beer is ok but gin isn’t’ (dd usually takes one of those flavoured gin with 20% alcohol rather than the usual 40%). Thats despite the fact she has never been completely wasted/sick etc… 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I think posters are missing the point here which is actually your relationship with DH and how you manage conflict within it. The issue relates to DD and affects both of your relationships with her.

In an ideal world yes you and DH would present a joint front because that’s the best way and you can’t be played off against each other. To do that probably both of you have to compromise a bit. So how do you do that with him? How do you two talk to each other and reach workable compromises? I’m interested in why that seems so hard with this issue when you are parents and must have had similar over the years? And to posters saying she is 18, butt out, I’m not sure. Mocks not as good as they might be, and isn’t part of parenting helping them to make decisions they won’t regret? It’s a real balancing act and I can see both sides but as I say, to me that’s a red herring

Why is an 18yo even asking permission to go out? She's an adult.

Your DH sounds like a helicopter parent;it sounds as though he thinks your DD isn't entitled to a life outside of college&sport.

Your DD is 18 and an adult.She's allowed to make her own choices and yes she's allowed downtime;it's good for maintaining a healthy state of mind.

Your DH's behaviour could potentially end up be seen as controlling and that's an unhealthy dynamic.

Your DH sounds very controlling. He is the issue here. Being extremely judgmental about your DD wanting to go out is not good and I wonder if this is the tip of the iceberg on his views around how he expects women to behave. I’m amazed that your DD hasn’t rebelled before now. Not sure of best way forward. What does he think about your DD having a boyfriend? Do you have other children? If so how is he with them?

I agree with those posters who say your DH is the problem. It isn't for him to decide what is and is not a 'worthy' pursuit in terms of how your DD spends her downtime. Going out on a Friday night is perfectly reasonable, balancing downtime and sports with school work in a crucial year is also reasonable, but how that is filled in is mostly up to her. You don't need to present a united front with your DH when he is being manifestly controlling and unreasonable, you need to stand up for your DD.

you need to stand up for your DD.

I think I’ve been hesitating between wanting to present a united front and finding a compromise (haven’t managed that. And is it necessary at that age anyway?), standing up fir dd and automatically saying yes (but then I bear the brunt from dh) or letting dd sorted it out herself with dd

I think until now I have, by default, been standing up for her. I am protecting her from his grumpiness by agreeing when she asks me but then I’m the one walking on eggshells…. :(

When I handed the responsibility over to dh, he just laid onto her. She was rude and lazy, not getting her priorities right etc…, Not sure I want to put her in that position but I don’t like walking on eggshells either…(He didnt stop her going out btw. I think I’ve insisted enough that dd is an adult that he didn’t date going there)

@Rollergirl11 we have a younger dd (she is 17yo) and dh gets on with her much better.
Dd2 is more like him, outdoorsy, very quiet. Dd1 is more like me, nerdy and with clear opinions on things.

The difference in the way he treats is another source of discord….