dd, DH and me

[WhyIsEverythingSoHard]

Already posted about it in chat but I'd really like yoour opinion re DH and I rather what to say to dd.

So, dd (18yo) is preparing for her A levels. Obvioulsy she should be full on in the middle of her revisions. Her mocks were ok but not as good as they could have been. She also has a bf and wants to spend time with him. She is doing a competitive sport so is busy a lot (most) of the weekends because of that.
That's for the background.

DH and I have a difference of opinion on how what to say to dd when she wants to go out (lets say friday evening with friends or staying at her bf).

I think she is 18yo. it's up to her to decide what to do. I am worried that (like a lot of students!) she'll leave it too late to do everything but after that, I want to leave her to it.

DH thinks it is disgraceful she is going out like this. He has an issue with her going out because he basically thinks she is lazy/she should be at her desk revising. On the other side, he doesn't have any issue with her doing her sport and spending all the weekend doing that, even taking time out of school. He is actually encouraging that!

Now we've had lots of arguments around that. I explained to him dd is 18yo, blabla. I think it's damaging our relationhsip woth dd and I am happy with that. He won't listen and will have a go at dd (or me!) each time she asking us to go out.

dd is always coming to me rather than DH when she wants to go out. I really want to answer the way I want to ('Yes of course. When will you be back?').
But is that appropriate? (Im thinking the whole presenting a united front to dd, being on the same page etc...)

Sounds like your DH is having a problem with the fact that your DD is growing up. I get that, it can be hard to let go and allow your kids to make their own (sometimes wrong) decisions, but it’s not healthy or fair to stifle them. I’m just surprised your DD hasn’t rebelled yet and instead is actually asking permission to go out! I’m not sure if her submissiveness is a good thing though and I think your husband needs a good talking to.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your husband, I agree. But he sounds worse every time you post. If he's favouring one DD over the other, that can't continue. Your DD may well be able to stand up for herself, but she also still needs support. Yr 13 is stressful and she shouldn't have to handle the discord with her father alone. That means you do have to step in and not keep the peace.

And if that means having it out, so be it. Your husband needs to be told that he must not behave that way towards his DD1 and that he needs to treat both his children fairly. The status quo is really not an option here. Perhaps family therapy is the way forward for you all.

She’s 18, she shouldn’t have to ask to go out. When I was 18 I’d just say ‘I’m going out, I’ll be back at x.’

My DD was 18 last month. She doesn't ask us before she goes out. I've asked that she texts about coming home (ie going to be a late one/ should be home about midnight). I'm still getting a little involved in the money side of it, and I'll occasionally point out- you've been burning it a lot this week, have you put enough time into revision.

But I see it as, by her age, I'd been doing what she's been doing for years, and she was about to arrive! The fact that she's just starting it now, no sign of teenage pregnancy and off to uni means it's all good 😁

I also think that they're about to go to uni, and they WILL hit it all hard. I'd much rather she experimented with drinking/ staying out too late/ getting into problems now, while she's still in a car ride reach at 3am. Much rather that than when shes 3 hours away.

@pointythings as ive said, ive had it out with him many times already. He hasnt changed.

It feels le the one thing I can do different is to not ask her at all about her revisions at that point and ignore dh. (Then I can ask how things are going at other times anyway)
At least I can maintain MY relationship with her and protect her a bit

Not happy about bearing the brunt of it though. :(

What really really annoys me is that he seems to have issues with her going out, drinking some alcohol etc…
It’s like he has forgotten he was out drinking in a pub évite he was 18yo, did pub crawls as a students. And when I met him (late 20s) he had been ringing work saying he couldn’t come because he had drunk too much.

It’s so hypocritical isn’t it?

Say that to him. Remind him what he was like at 18. Ask him to justify his attitude.

It is hypocritical. You have probably already pointed this out to him.

My late husband was like yours in one sense - he didn't support his DDs, was negative and critical, nothing was ever good enough. At least he didn't pick on just one, but he was worse with DD2 because she stood up to him. I stood up for my DDs and never mind the bloody eggshells. And no, the marriage didn't last but I have no regrets.

With my DH I would be drilling down on why he has an issue with her going out. He doesn't tend to think very deeply about things unless something/someone makes him but he's not afraid to confront his own failings and is able to challenge his thinking and consider what might be driving it. I have no idea if that would work with your DH, as a PP said you know him and we don't, but it's maybe worth thinking about whether there's a way to make him question his motivation.

@user1492809438

Say that to him. Remind him what he was like at 18. Ask him to justify his attitude.

But then he'll just say "Yes and that was wrong of me, I wish I had knuckled down and I want DD not to repeat my mistakes."

OP he does sound controlling and possessive of her as some of this sounds centered around her seeing her BF in particular. With the disparity in how he treats her sister, he's right on track to tank his relationship with her. Did he actually call her lazy to her face?! That's really damaging. Would he take it on board if you explained to him that saying a child IS a bad trait is really not on, whereas saying "Your BEHAVIOUR is bad trait" is much more likely to get results? That you can motivate a child to work hard and achieve much more by telling them that you love them and want the very best in life for them, rather than criticising their perceived lack of effort?

Or would that fall on deaf ears?

Could a possible compromise be that you agree between the 3 of you that she needs to do X hours of revision a week, but once that's ticked off, she can do as she pleases? So she'll need to factor in the hours spent on her sport, but as long as she does her (eg) 8 hours Mon-Thu, she can go out on a Friday night. That would give her the responsibility of making an adult decision about how she prioritises her leisure /social time, but also give her parental guidance and a clear message on the importance of her studies.

Good luck OP, it doesn't sound like an easy situation.

I’m making assumptions here but I think it sounds like your DH has a misogynistic view of females going out drinking and enjoying themselves. I think it’s not an issue with DD2 because she has a quieter personality and perhaps not as sociable as DD1. But I bet if DD2 were to start going out more he wouldn’t care for it. Historically how is he with you when you go out and get drunk?

I agree with others in that his controlling and judgmental behaviour will only result in pushing your DD away. I think you need to discuss with him one to one. Would it bother him if you said that he could be damaging his relationship with his daughter?

Well tbf I don’t go out and get drunk But that’s because I really don’t well with alcohol anymore.

But yes, I’ve told him about the hypocrisy of it. I’ve reminded him that both he and I have done that. That’s it’s normal to go out, have fun.

I think I’m just going to do my own things, my own way. Support dd and then point out how illogical he is every time he grumbles.
I have enough of explaining and understanding etc… he won’t move until he is forced to do so (has been the case before too). Only a few more months…..

Your daughter shouldn't even be asking you if she can go out. She is an adult. I think he needs to be very careful he will put her away and damage the relationship for good if he carries on. Sometimes we can see the mistakes our adult children are making but we have to let them go

Your controlling husband who ‘has a go at’ your child and treats the kids differently will reap what he sows when she’s able to get away from you both (sounds like you’ve been complicit in him controlling her and setting a not-great example of a relationship to her). Will she need to recover from the upbringing you’ve both given her?

Control, walking on eggshells, anyone needing stood up for in their own home, aggression, golden child, etc.

Dear OP I totally understand your predicament. I was raised believing that parents should present united front and did my best to do so with my husband and kids. It turned out, however, that often times I would be forcing my kids to do something their father wanted them to do and not me. It got harder when kids started growing up, it seemed like we kept clashing. Just like you, I was more lenient and wanted to allow kids more freedom. Their father started complaining how I should “back him up”, be on “his side” etc. I kept feeling more and more uncomfortable in my own home. I tried reasoning with him, but he is so stubborn, he would never compromise, or God forbid, give in.

We ended up separating last year, but differences in how we wanted to raise our kids were just a part of the problem, I realized that he was really controlling, and it affected all areas of my life.

I am not saying, of course, that you should leave your husband over this but at the same time you have right to raise your kids the way you want to and to have happy and healthy relationship with you daughter. Good luck OP.

[quote WhyIsEverythingSoHard]@CorsicaDreaming I agree DH is tricky one there!

I’ve tried to talk to him, explain etc…
We’ve had discussion on how it’s more productive to have a break. That she is 18yo etc…
But he is just extremely judgemental about her going out. It’s just NOT. OK. according to him…..

If he won’t listen, what can I do?[/quote]

Hi - sorry only just got back to this - and I haven't had chance to read further in the thread yet so it may be this already been discussed...

I think I would talk to him about what his worries really are. I wonder if it is more around something else like the boyfriend?

I would say to him, "what are you actually worried about with her going out on Friday night, because she's working so hard the rest of the time and she needs some time off?"

And see what he says.

I wonder if there is some other issue at play and you need to get to the bottom of that and resolve those worries he has. Is he actually worried that she may be going to get pregnant for example? Maybe just find out - if that's the case she needs to go on the pill!

Or maybe he just doesn't like the idea of her having a committed relationship and it is more about the father / daughter dynamic. That ends up being trickier to unravel - but it seems like it's a big reaction to her just going out and having a bit of downtime with her friends - so I think there may be something bigger at play,

although whether he would admit it even to himself is another issue...