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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Snide remarks

65 replies

User020367 · 19/03/2022 19:26

So after a hard week at work and work this morning I was relaxing tonight with a glass of Prosecco. Husband is sat beside me and grabs the skin under my chin and basically tells me I need to lose weight!!!!! Not that I need to justify myself but I’m 5ft 6 and weigh 10 stone and don’t feel fat at all and even if I did it’s nobody’s business but mine!!!! Now he has at least a double chin and a spare tyre round his middle ! but I never say anything as it’s plain cruel and I just think it’s no ones business how much someone weighs!!!!!! Just last week he told me I need to be exercising at least 3 x a week !!! I’m an avid runner but at the mo I can’t fit it in with work and the kids as he’s never around to help!!! And these days I exercise when I want rather than it being imposed on me !!! Baring in mind 3 years ago I weighed 7.5 stone and was running non stop!! I’m doing my best to find balance

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 20/03/2022 09:15

I’m thinking he is jealous of your capabilities and confidence so he needs to undermine you - he expects thanks - there is a lot more to this man underneath the surface - he who must be idolised but doesn’t treat you the same - twat!!!

Original poster
User020367 · 20/03/2022 09:40

Yes this morning he announces he’s off cycling, and will be gone for 3 hours! Then he tells me I need to go and get some money as the boys are going to a party this afternoon. He told me he would get the money yesterday but didn’t! Anyway when he goes out cycling he comes home, eats lunch and sleeps till 5!!!!! I’m so sick of his selfishness. I need to do washing, tidy, cook dinner etc and if I need help if he doesn’t want to do it he won’t!!!!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/03/2022 09:49

What would a life without him look like?

NowEvenBetter · 20/03/2022 09:58

I don’t understand what’s appealing about him. Why not discard him and enjoy your life?

M0RVEN · 20/03/2022 10:01

@NowEvenBetter

I don’t understand what’s appealing about him. Why not discard him and enjoy your life?
This.
Original poster
User020367 · 20/03/2022 10:19

It would. Be Very difficult to leave as I’m not in the UK. I have no family here so not much support. I’m too scared to make the move to leave tbh. I’m just miserable most of the time and the days when I should be able to relax I can’t because it always ends in an argument. One small example I phoned him at 8 last week to find out if he could pick our son up and when I asked where he was he says I’m at work where the f..k do you think I am! And that really is the tip of the iceberg

OP posts:
EarthSight · 20/03/2022 10:25

Have you checked your BMI? Seems to me like you are a very healthy, ideal weight right now, and years ago you were probably underweight, or very close to being underweight. I checked this out for you and I think I'm right on that. I'm concerned that he thinks this is an ideal weight for a woman, or for you.

Has he always liked skinny women?

I think he's telling you very clearly that you are falling short of his very particular standards. Like a lot of sexist, entitled men, he feels entitled to have them. Notice that he has a spare tire......but that doesn't seem to be an issue I assume? These types think it's the woman's main role in life and relationships to be pleasing to the eye.......but don't think that's something they should be doing as well in return. Yuck.

greasyshoes · 20/03/2022 10:28

You don't think that's abusive behaviour?

Just because other people are far more abusive, it doesn't mean OP should think this behaviour is anywhere near acceptable.

It is absolutely abusive.

I think it's a fairly mild comment though. The typical couple having a blazing row will say things to each other that are a hundred times worse than this.

RandomMess · 20/03/2022 10:28

Make plans to leave however long term they are Thanks

NowEvenBetter · 20/03/2022 10:33

@greasyshoes

You don't think that's abusive behaviour?

Just because other people are far more abusive, it doesn't mean OP should think this behaviour is anywhere near acceptable.

It is absolutely abusive.

I think it's a fairly mild comment though. The typical couple having a blazing row will say things to each other that are a hundred times worse than this.

Your views on typical relationships seem very skewed. No abuse is acceptable, ever. Relationships are solely to enhance your life.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2022 10:33

@greasyshoes

You don't think that's abusive behaviour?

Just because other people are far more abusive, it doesn't mean OP should think this behaviour is anywhere near acceptable.

It is absolutely abusive.

I think it's a fairly mild comment though. The typical couple having a blazing row will say things to each other that are a hundred times worse than this.

Eh?! Typical couples in vaguely healthy relationship wouldn't, even in a row, grab the skin under the other's neck and tell them they need to lose weight.

That's what OP's partner did and that's what people have said is abusive, which you have disagreed with.

Im not sure if you've not been in a relationship or have just been in very unhealthy ones but I'm shocked you think that would be typical, even during an argument.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/03/2022 10:35

Greasyshoes is a troll. He pops up on feminist chats to be a dick all the time.

NowEvenBetter · 20/03/2022 10:36

How can you be helped in to freeing your kids from your toxic house?
Have you looked in to the damage it does to kids being made to endure an abusive environment?
Your sons will think being a deadbeat misogynist prick is normal and acceptable,

Original poster
User020367 · 20/03/2022 10:45

He’s always though he could comment on my weight he’s just a twat

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2022 10:46

@User020367

He’s always though he could comment on my weight he’s just a twat
He's a misogynist. I bet he doesn't think you should get a say over his body.
Original poster
User020367 · 20/03/2022 11:39

Well I wouldn’t comment on anyone’s weight I have manners

OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 20/03/2022 13:25

@greasyshoes

You don't think that's abusive behaviour?

Just because other people are far more abusive, it doesn't mean OP should think this behaviour is anywhere near acceptable.

It is absolutely abusive.

I think it's a fairly mild comment though. The typical couple having a blazing row will say things to each other that are a hundred times worse than this.

Ah, you again.

The one who told another op that loads of straight men are on grindr.

Not sure if you're a troll or just an "interesting" person, but your comments are generally unhelpful, to put it rather mildly.

Tamworth123 · 20/03/2022 13:27

@User020367

Well I wouldn’t comment on anyone’s weight I have manners
You should have grabbed his spare tire/man boob/whatever and said "ditto".

Or people is glass housee should bg throw stoned or similar.

But in general he sounds lazy, selfish, doesn't want an equal relationship etc so .....

Tamworth123 · 20/03/2022 13:28

*people is glass housee shouldn't throw stones

Tamworth123 · 20/03/2022 13:29

@roarfeckingroarr

Greasyshoes is a troll. He pops up on feminist chats to be a dick all the time.
Oh, are they active on feminist board too.

What a no life person they must be.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2022 13:36

Is it really that scary to leave though op? It's just renting a new house and moving. What's scary about that?

OK divorcing is scary but once you're out, you can do that in your own time. It'll be easier once you've had some space and realised how good being free of him feels.

If you have enough money to live without him then bloody jump at the chance! He is a controlling pig and he will never get better.

I'd speak to a solicitor at the first opportunity.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 20/03/2022 13:40

@greasyshoes

Husband is sat beside me and grabs the skin under my chin and basically tells me I need to lose weight!!!!!

That's it?

Jeez, if you want to know what abuse is, you should have seen the people I used to work with.

Ignore this MRA. Currently trolling on FWR too. Grey rock grey rock.
EKGEMS · 20/03/2022 14:44

@greasyshoes Would you be happy if he punched her also? He's being verbally and emotionally abusive to her! Suppose you see your doctor for the flu and he said "Suck it up greasyshoes I have another patient on life support in hospital with sepsis! Stop being a wimp!"

greasyshoes · 20/03/2022 14:46

Ignore this MRA. Currently trolling on FWR too.

I'm not a MRA.

greasyshoes · 20/03/2022 14:49

Would you be happy if he punched her also? He's being verbally and emotionally abusive to her!

Punching someone is a lot worse and that's a definite no-no.