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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is unusual, right? Perception check wanted

70 replies

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 17:53

My partner and I have had this conversation before, and now I'm just bored.

Context: he just returned from a trip. During the trip we spoke every day, he said he couldn't wait to see me. I felt the same way.

Randomly learned this morning that he was flying home today, not this coming Monday as he'd said. Okay great, you need a ride from airport? "I'll let you know."

He texted early afternoon saying he was home and just woke up from nap. I was in his neighbourhood meeting a client and said I'd finish at 3:30. He said, 'Great, come to mine when you're finished."

I got to his at 3:30 having finished a little early. Texted, rang doorbell, rang his phone. I thought of letting myself in but I knew a friend of his was using his flat in his absence and didn't know if they were still there. I sat in the sun for ten minutes, rang again, concluded he had gone back to sleep, came home.

Cue repeated calls from him now, "I got home at 4, I had to run some errands and my phone isn't working, you mad?" (I hadn't thought to look for his car when I was at his.)

I texted back a little snottily, "You decided not to tell me you were going out so I came home. Enjoy your evening."

He's done this before. Flaked with a lot of apologies afterwards, when a 10-second text in time would've sorted things. It's either supreme flakery or a game. Either is unattractive. I've really gone off him.

OP posts:
Brett239 · 19/03/2022 17:56

Sounds like a miscommunication.. try not to overreact :)

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:04

I appreciate your response. This is something we've quarrelled about before with me getting fed up and wasting days/afternoons off because he refuses to just make a plan and stick to it. Or send me a ten-second text to say he's running late.

Would you really invite someone over and then take off without telling them?

That's the thing, he'll play it off all reasonable afterwards like, "Of course I had to bring X to Y" but obviously at the time I don't know that and I'm just meant to wait indefinitely?

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 19/03/2022 18:07

"I got home at 4, I had to run some errands and my phone isn't working, you mad?"

This would make me cool off considerably. No apology, just a rather manipulative 'you mad?'.

Someone who sends messages like this doesn't really understand how to communicate in a mutually respectful relationship. Whether it's flaky or game-playing I'm not surprised you've gone off him.

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:07

I should've mentioned, when he texted me early this morning to say he was coming home, I offered to pick him up and he was vague, then invited him to supper at mine and said, "Yeah, we'll see, I'd like to see you for an hour or so, I have some other things to do.."

OP posts:
Olivia199 · 19/03/2022 18:09

Definitely sounds like a miscommunication on the surface though I've been somewhere similar. Sometimes when someone has a history of flaking, not bothering to fly off a quick text or just generally messing you around, anything like this can feel more than frustrating. If it's a long term thing then I can totally understand why you're annoyed! There can only be so many times and maybe it's time for a chat about it all with him? Sometimes they're just a bit oblivious about how it can feel!
I definitely found that even when it was just sheer miscommunication or an accident, I got more frustrated about it because the previous 20 times it hadn't just been that, if that makes sense?

ScrambledSmegs · 19/03/2022 18:09

I hate to say it but it sounds like he's waiting for a better offer. I'm sorry OP.

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:10

This isn't just some flakey harmless thing that people do, is it? I mean frankly it's the kind of thing I'd do in high school if I didn't like a boy but didn't know how to say so.

OP posts:
Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:14

We've had endless chats with me patiently saying, "Now see if I'm waiting in a cold cafe for an 90 minutes with no text from you, it makes me think you must have got in an accident." And him nodding with wonder.

We've had some really good times but I think it's over.

OP posts:
MaizeAmaze · 19/03/2022 18:14

I'd be more peeved with him saying he was coming back on Monday rather than Saturday.
I think he's chancing it.

SoManyTshirts · 19/03/2022 18:15

It doesn’t sound like you’re his priority, he’s leaving space in his timetable for something else. Not necessarily OW, but something.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2022 18:15

This is a pattern. You are not anywhere near the top of his list of priorities.

He pitches woo at you when he's away to keep you interested but doesn't tell you when he's home and makes no effort to actually be in the relationship.

Dump him. You are not the problem here.

TootsAtOwls · 19/03/2022 18:16

How long have you been together? He
sounds terrible at communication and it must make life really tedious

ScrambledSmegs · 19/03/2022 18:16

@Coffeetree

We've had endless chats with me patiently saying, "Now see if I'm waiting in a cold cafe for an 90 minutes with no text from you, it makes me think you must have got in an accident." And him nodding with wonder.

We've had some really good times but I think it's over.

It definitely sounds like you've reached the end. Life is too short to waste time on people who are probably just using you as a place-marker.
Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:18

Yes, and he sounded disappointed that I had made plans with other friends for Sunday morning. I hadn't known he was coming home!

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 19/03/2022 18:20

Sounds deliberate and mind fuckery, texting you mad? self explanatory to me he's a twat

BingBangB0ng · 19/03/2022 18:20

He doesn’t care much about keeping you, and he doesn’t respect you enough to see your time as valuable. Either that or it’s a game to try and knock your confidence and make you more desperate to be with him which is even worse.

You’re right it needs to be over either way.

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:21

@TootsAtOwls

How long have you been together? He sounds terrible at communication and it must make life really tedious
It's been four years!

Sometimes he will buck up and show up right at 1:59 for 2:00, saying, "Get me, Mr Reliable!"

But then it just dissolves again.

Yes I think likes me and we have a nice history but I'm not a priority.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 19/03/2022 18:22

He doesn’t value you. Find someone that does.

spotcheck · 19/03/2022 18:23

He was vague about his arrival, but you offered him a lift back. He was vague
You invited him over for dinner, he was vague
You were in his neighbour hood and made arrangements to come over, even though he made no effort to see you.

I think you aren't picking up on his cues. He's being pretty clear about his intentions

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:24

I know, right? Pretty loud and clear!

OP posts:
VioletLemon · 19/03/2022 18:25

You deserve an adult and it doesn't sound like he's on the same level. Give yourself a break, it sounds a little bit like you end up being 'the mother' in this relationship.

RedRobin100 · 19/03/2022 18:26

Pure flake

Clymene · 19/03/2022 18:28

@Coffeetree

I should've mentioned, when he texted me early this morning to say he was coming home, I offered to pick him up and he was vague, then invited him to supper at mine and said, "Yeah, we'll see, I'd like to see you for an hour or so, I have some other things to do.."
God if someone texted me that, I'd dump him straight off. That's so rude.
beastlyslumber · 19/03/2022 18:28

Yeah I'd just call it a day. It sounds like he just doesn't care enough to make you a priority. Sorry Flowers

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 18:30

It's okay, just don't know why he comes crashing with apologies and declarations of love afterwards? Doesn't want to lose the security of our relationship or something?

OP posts:
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