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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is unusual, right? Perception check wanted

70 replies

Coffeetree · 19/03/2022 17:53

My partner and I have had this conversation before, and now I'm just bored.

Context: he just returned from a trip. During the trip we spoke every day, he said he couldn't wait to see me. I felt the same way.

Randomly learned this morning that he was flying home today, not this coming Monday as he'd said. Okay great, you need a ride from airport? "I'll let you know."

He texted early afternoon saying he was home and just woke up from nap. I was in his neighbourhood meeting a client and said I'd finish at 3:30. He said, 'Great, come to mine when you're finished."

I got to his at 3:30 having finished a little early. Texted, rang doorbell, rang his phone. I thought of letting myself in but I knew a friend of his was using his flat in his absence and didn't know if they were still there. I sat in the sun for ten minutes, rang again, concluded he had gone back to sleep, came home.

Cue repeated calls from him now, "I got home at 4, I had to run some errands and my phone isn't working, you mad?" (I hadn't thought to look for his car when I was at his.)

I texted back a little snottily, "You decided not to tell me you were going out so I came home. Enjoy your evening."

He's done this before. Flaked with a lot of apologies afterwards, when a 10-second text in time would've sorted things. It's either supreme flakery or a game. Either is unattractive. I've really gone off him.

OP posts:
MotherofAutism · 20/03/2022 21:52

@Coffeetree How's things OP? Did you end it? Thanks

Coffeetree · 20/03/2022 21:57

Yeah, a big relief!

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 20/03/2022 21:58

Well done!

billy1966 · 20/03/2022 22:26

OP,

Do the Freedomprogramme.co.uk online before you look at another man.

You deserve so much better than this.
Flowers

Smackthepony · 20/03/2022 22:58

@Coffeetree

I should've mentioned, when he texted me early this morning to say he was coming home, I offered to pick him up and he was vague, then invited him to supper at mine and said, "Yeah, we'll see, I'd like to see you for an hour or so, I have some other things to do.."
WTF! This made me cringe! I’d have dumped him there and then. Please don’t let this man treat you like an option. Reduce his choices by removing yourself from the equation!
Susu49 · 20/03/2022 23:09

Ynbu Flowers

Miriamkiwi · 20/03/2022 23:43

I've had several relationships where I was lied to, disrespected etc you may have been at his place while he was still being"greeted" by his friend, male or female don't disregard what I'm saying, some people are just animals. He waits for you to leave so friend or visitor can depart then messages you to come over. If you've tried to discuss similar before just dump his @&& it's a game he will never stop playing. Why be vague about getting picked up from airport? Wouldn't you say great, thanks! Red flags galore here get out while you're a bit annoyed it'll hurt less. Love to you ❤️

layladomino · 21/03/2022 08:09

Well done, you've done the right thing. Whether it was down to some sort of control, you not being anywhere near top priority, plain rudeness and / or just a basic lack of any organisation, as this was a pattern I couldn't have stood it either.

Inviting someone around at 3.30 then going out til 4 ..... does he think you should just sit outside his house waiting? And then no apology after! Yeah, you're better off out of it.

Freddy12 · 21/03/2022 08:18

I hate people taking the piss out of my time
Not being arsed to txt if running late so you can sit around
You seem to be a low priority for his full effort
Cool right off until he makes a much better effort or bin

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 21/03/2022 08:18

What’s wrong with sticking a note on his front door, if his mobile was out of battery??!

I’m dealing with something similar and he’s going to get the boot.

Spitspatspot · 21/03/2022 09:39

Self important flake - sorry, OP, you deserve better Flowers

mathanxiety · 21/03/2022 20:12

...just don't know why he comes crashing with apologies and declarations of love afterwards?

Because reeling you back in is what he is in this relationship for. He isn't interested in a mutually loving, enriching relationship, just the fun of yanking your chain.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 21/03/2022 20:22

I wouldn’t like this either. It’s either deliberate in which case it’s rude and he’s an arse it he’s a complete flake and it’s still rude.

pastypirate · 22/03/2022 07:48

@Coffeetree

We've had endless chats with me patiently saying, "Now see if I'm waiting in a cold cafe for an 90 minutes with no text from you, it makes me think you must have got in an accident." And him nodding with wonder.

We've had some really good times but I think it's over.

Never mind the accident it's the abhorrent rudeness of him!
candles1298 · 22/03/2022 11:00

@Coffeetree

Yeah, a big relief!
How did he take it? Was he surprised? Upset? Promising to change?
GaryTheCat · 22/03/2022 12:41

Good work, OP Flowers

supercali77 · 22/03/2022 18:12

Well done OP. If there's one absolute dealbreaker lts someone not respecting a person's time. You never get it back. How bloody dare he

2Gen · 23/03/2022 15:57

@RedRobin100

Pure flake
Yes. The only flakes worth bothering with are the chocolate ones in the yellow wrappers by Cadbury's, OP! He's treating you as if your time and what you want to do with it don't matter. Show him it DOES matter by finishing with him once and for all!
Natty13 · 24/03/2022 00:30

@Coffeetree

It's okay, just don't know why he comes crashing with apologies and declarations of love afterwards? Doesn't want to lose the security of our relationship or something?
Because it works. It's kept you there for 4 years and it's making you question yourself now.

Its easy to say from the outside that I wouldn't put up with this however ot is hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in this kind of relationship. The best advice i ever got was look at his actions,not what he says. He said to you he couldn't wait to see you. Did his actions?

streamee · 24/03/2022 00:36

@Livelovebehappy

maybe his trip away was a bit intense/draining, and he just wanted time to himself to re-energise for a day or two, but didn’t want to tell you because he thought you’d be a bit upset by it?
Even so, that's a dick move
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