Is this asking too much?

[DragonOverTheMoon]

Been single for 4 months, not planning on dating again yet but I've made a wish list. Can anyone comment if this is expecting too much and never going to happen.

1. Doesn't shout - communicate with talking.
2. enthusiastic, energetic and helpful.
3. Takes initiative with things like gardening ect.
4. Like a walk with a pub at the end of it
5. Cuddly
6. Funny, happy soul, chatty.
7. Wants to be friends with my older teens and do things with them/us like climbing, bike rides, surfing.
8. Kind, can apologise, not brittle ans defensive.
9. Sexy

10. Thoughtful 11. Freedom to be myself and for us to have our own life and interests. 12. Will give things and phases I go through a go - I go veggie for a while, would join in with gardening and planting veggies, would go to the gym with me. 13. Respects me, not pushy, equal, doesn't leave me to pick up his crap - physical or emotional. 14. Really loves me and adores me.

Is that a bit much? I'm struggling after toxic marriage of what's OK and what's not ok and if I'm too much.

Everything is reasonable, except (since you're asking), the going to the gym/gardening with you, if you're expectingit consistently. I think that's a bit much to ask of someone. Let him do his own thing and you do yours sometimes.

Everything else you mention is normal!

Most of that is minimum basic requirements.

I think it’s all normal things to look for and want from a relationship. Number 12- giving things a go sounds good but maybe when you’re more into the relationship.

Do you think it's a bit self centred to want to be loved and adored? I tried to explain this to my ex before and he said I was narcissist for wanting to feel adored!

Oh and another one!

15. Not stingy with money. I like being treated and I also like treating the other person. I don't want someone who watches every single penny they've spent and are waiting for it to be paid back as such. That's not saying I don't want to pay my way either!

If you meet two like this, can I be introduced to the spare?

@DragonOverTheMoon

Do you think it's a bit self centred to want to be loved and adored? I tried to explain this to my ex before and he said I was narcissist for wanting to feel adored!

Yes, what kind of freak wants to feel loved by their partner?

I'm kidding!!!! That's the whole point of a DP!

Mine is a cuddler, he doesn’t shout it swear and dislikes arguing. But can sulk, knows he does and tries not to.

He’s good with people and will be handy round the house and garden but is untidy.

He won’t try things for the sake of it or just for me if it is not his cup of tea. We find mutual interests and do those together.

He’s generous but a spendthrift.

When you love some perfect is not necessary and it doesn’t exist.

I’d reduce the list to things that really matter. I’d not want to be with someone who has all those expectations.

Thanks @Coffeetree I'm so unsure of what's OK and what's not OK to want.

@MintJulia - yeah man, we'll double date

@LemonTT I don't think I could cut my list down anymore. I think I'd rather be single. I've had 3 serious relationships with one being marriage and those are the things I need from someone else.

The only one would be sharing my interests. I did also say on my list about seperate interests and freedom too. I just have liked in the past when I've had an idea - say to start growing veg, that the man I was with at the time was like - yes, great idea and built me a veg patch and although it was my interest he helped. But you're right, that shouldn't be a given, I'd hate to be guilted into watching the football every weekend ect.

There's me just looking for a pulse 😅🤣

Now you would think that’s a very basic request and that those things are standard in most human beings…..but good luck finding a guy with even half of your lists requirements!! It’s brutal out there!

I don’t know. You want freedom to both have your own lives (a good thing) but then you also want them to join you on phases you go through. This seems to be contradictory.

@HeDidWhattt

Now you would think that’s a very basic request and that those things are standard in most human beings…..but good luck finding a guy with even half of your lists requirements!! It’s brutal out there!

Or a woman!

Why make a list, you could miss your soulmate because you are too fixated on what they should be like, rather than accepting them for who they are

Mine is pretty much like that. I'm very lucky. Not sure how sexy the pair of us are but we have the rest covered. They are out there.

Seems ok to me - I met mine a year ago and he ticks all those boxes.

Not sure about the gym tho, he would rather run or cycle while I run. Don't think the gym thing has to be a deal breaker.

@CocoFifi because following my heart doesn't work. Before I get into another relationship I'm taking this time to really figure out what I like and learn my lessons from previous relationships. I tend to end up with men and fit myself to them and I don't want to be shouted at ever again. I thought I met the kindest man in the whole world and then we married and he shouted at me monthly, then weekly, then daily. I want to remember what I like and don't like and I'd like to be with someone who wants to live life similar to me. I like outdoorsy things, so I'd like a man who also likes a hike. That doesn't mean we can't also have seperate interests! Just some common interests or we'd be two completely seperate people. Still working this out!

I have a new partner of just over a year after a 20 year marriage. My new partner would tick every box. Feel loved, adored and beautiful is amazing. Don’t settle for less.

I mean, it's a good list - but the idea of a list seems kind of odd to me, when it includes quite specific things like the gym and gardening. Sort of prescriptive, as if you are writing up a character for your book/ film.

So I don't think the qualities you are looking for are 'wrong' but it's not an approach that I can wrap my head around!

Not asking too much at all!

Sounds lovely! My husband would tick most of those boxes, he's not 'chatty' though. He can be chatty and silly with me, and I find him really quick witted and hilarious, but he's quite a quiet reserved soul until you get to know him and would not be like that initially. So maybe one to hear in mind that doesn't present itself right away!

The gardening - is it your garden? Do you want them to do or help you do your garden? To be that is not ok - my ex had a garden as do I - I do my own garden that is enough - I don't want to paint his fence panels or do weeding in my free time! Gym- again he might like doing other things - I love gym and classes but happy to do by myself indeed prefer this.

I also find it contradictory to say you should each have your own interests but at the same time he should be happy to give the things you are doing (in a phase maybe) a go - I would not go out with a bloke who said this to me - I might have my own interests I might not want to do his and vice versa.

I am a veggie but can go out with a meat eater.

To me, not all of the list is reasonable. Further, being too prescriptive can be a mistake in my experience.

It’s a pretty basic list, really. Pretty much all the partners I’ve ever had have met all the criteria on it (and plenty more besides) except 7 (I don’t have DC) and 12: whilst it’s nice to share some activities, I wouldn’t expect anybody to join me at my hobbies if they didn’t have any actual interest in doing them.

I dunno. My husband is great but probably only a 50/50 on those points. Scores high in other areas which are important to me.

@AbsentmindedWoman

I mean, it's a good list - but the idea of a list seems kind of odd to me, when it includes quite specific things like the gym and gardening. Sort of prescriptive, as if you are writing up a character for your book/ film.

So I don't think the qualities you are looking for are 'wrong' but it's not an approach that I can wrap my head around!

Agreed.

I expect a romantic partner to make an effort with my children: I'm really not sure I'd expect him to pull on a wetsuit . . .

I would say 12 might be unreasonable but not unreasonable to make the effort to join in with some things that you like, and encourage you in your interests. And number five is okay, as long as you're not too prescriptive about what activities you do together with your teens.

But I totally agree with having decent boundaries and not putting up with shit like being shouted at, ignored or belittled. You're worth far too much for that.