Why men say they want divorce

[Freecoffeeand]

I separated from my husband after he said he wanted a divorce. He'd actually changed his mind on it twice but after saying it the third time, I left. Each time he said it, it was during a disagreement. He hadn't used that as an argument technique ever before. We rarely argued.
After three months he started a campaign to get me back. Trying everything.
If you were in my place, would you have thought 'OW'?

No, I would have thought 'controlling dickhead'.

Unless you felt he was engineering ythe arguments out of thin air. Perhaps then it might have been because there was another woman yes.

He's a tosser either way, you're well rid. Don't take him back.

He didn't engineer them but he did overreact.

But TY for your words of wisdom last paragraph @Pinkbonbon xx

I can't stand people who do this. Glad you finally called his bluff. What an arsehole.

@JawboxGinger

I can't stand people who do this. Glad you finally called his bluff. What an arsehole.

He'd never done it before in 25 years. But yeah, when your spouse says this it has a shattering effect.

I think men rarely leave a long marriage unless there is an OW.

I agree, anyone I have known to have left had someone else lined up. It rarely worked out with the ow though
If he had never said this before I would suspect at the very least his head had been turned. Added to the massive change of heart- it either didn't work out of it transpired the object of his affection had no interest

It's a control teqnique to make you shut your trap and allow them to do whatever they want.

I've found the 'whatever they want' usually involves more space and freedom with no questioning to chase someone new.

It's a threat to not get in the way of their selfishness.

Seeing as divorce threats came out of the blue after 25 years, you can't put it down to a controlling abusive personality defect. You'd have noticed before.

I'd suspect OW in this circumstance. Especially so with his desperate to get you back palava. Didn't work out with OW then did it!

The only time I have experienced that in a relationship was when I think he was sure it was not what I wanted. It was to shut me up and win. But by the 3rd time he did it, he was incorrect.

I divorced my first wife. There was no other.
I walked after the last ounce of respect was wrung out.
The whole divorce took less than 10 months. She dragged her feet for 4 months post nisi. I hurried her along to get it done.😐

Midlife crisis, other woman, mental health ... many reasons. Exh did this to me after 27 years - irony is that the various relationships he's had (no ow but he started dating after 6 months) haven't worked whereas I met dp and am happier

Very controlling, or childish and throwing his toys out of the pram.
Either way, not attractive.

@AccidentalMindFuck

I think men rarely leave a long marriage unless there is an OW.

My partner left his wife after 24 years. No OW. His wife was an alcoholic. He stayed until his children had moved out to uni and jobs.

Men are normally quite patient they'd rather not dissolve the family or the assets or they jump ship with another.
Personally, I was unhappy for yrs, stuck it out quietly for my children, then the time came after yet another explicit sign of clear disrespect.

It's a bullshit statement to say men rarely leave a marriage without they're being an OW. Maybe they're just fucking miserable being in it. Maybe they recognise the relationship isn't working and they need to be the strong ones to make that call. Maybe they're just arseholes. Maybe the wife is abusive. Maybe the man can't or won't have kids and they know they're wife is desperate for them. Maybe the wife has financial standards the husband is expected to achieve. Maybe they have just grown apart.

Blanket blaming another women (not aimed at you OP, I mean the genius that pipes up everytime saying the same thing) stinks of putting responsibility on something or someone else. The fella may just be a dickhead. There's no need to put the responsibility outside of that

Indeed @baileys6904

My brother left his wife after 27 years because he found that when the kids had left home he had absolutely zero in common with her. He wanted to travel and live his life and she was happy just watching Casualty and the like on the TV. The kids were the only thing they had in common really. He didn’t have another woman and didn’t date at all for 3 years after.

I said rarely rather than never, there will be situations where a man leaves his wife of many years for another reason than an OW, but I still stick with that being the reason for the majority. It’s not bullshit!

@baileys6904 I think a lot of people WANT to believe there's someone else. It somehow hurts less to think that some marriage-wrecking wanker has "stolen" your partner, than to face "He'd rather be alone than be with me."

When I left my H, he clung to the idea that I had someone else - he went through my phone, my computer, my emails, he even stood outside my new place at one point peeping through the blinds trying to "catch" me with this non-existent man. Despite the fact that I'd told him for months (including during marriage counselling) prior to leaving how unhappy I was with his shitty behaviour.

That said I do know of many people who have left one relationship only when they had a reasonably sure "next thing" lined up, if not one that had already started. Like a chimp swinging from branch to branch that won't let go of one before they've caught the next.

OP I wonder if your XH has now realised that being on his own means he has to sort his own life/housework/admin out? Did you do a lot of "wife work"?

These men who wait to leave until the kids have gone, and think they're being such fucking heroes, should have had the honesty to do it at an earlier age when their ex wives had a better chance of making a new life and finding a new partner if they want one. Selfish and deceitful.

Surely that goes both ways @Laniania?

Some men say it to try and get you to behave how they want, or tolerate what they're doing.

I dont think all men leave for another woman but I do think that it is the majority.

Thats not to say that there will always be an affair but that meeting someone they like can highlight the unhappiness at home, same as can happen for women.

Of course men can leave because they dont love their partner anymore or because of abuse/infidelity etc in the home, but ime a lot stay when their female partners wouldnt in the same circumstance. Friends of ours are still together after she had an affair, she has admitted that she would never have stayed with him if he had done it. He said he stayed mainly because he couldnt bear to not be living with his young kids......an issue that most women dont have to think about as it is assumed that she will have the kids with her most of the time.

I would think that there had been some other female somewhere in the background; perhaps the chance of an affair in the offing.
Then, when it didnt go as planned, the attempts to woo you back

I think there is always more to each story & every individual scenario is different OP. Sometimes they’ll be an OW & sometimes one partner has just had enough & wants out.
I was friends with my now partner before & after his divorce. I watched him go from a severely depressed man after being a doormat for 10 years working every hour under the sun whilst his ex wife lived a life of riley. She would go out drinking & seeing friends whilst he stayed at home looking after their DD. One day he’d finally had enough & left & it was like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Turns out his ex wife had also cheated on him twice during their marriage.
We got together 5 months post divorce & now he’s bashed around the cheater by his ex wife because that easier for her to accept rather than he was happier alone than with her…

Depression?