Am I settling?

[lardass88]

So I was with a guy over 20 years ago, went out for a few months, then got back with my ex. Anyway last Christmas we got speaking and went out on a date, we've been seeing each other since. Things were going ok but recently I've noticed a few things that are giving me the ick.. he's really intense with his feelings and very touchy feely.. I can tell he's smitten with me but I'm not quite there. He's also made a couple of comments via texts then passes them off as "jokes" when I've pulled him on them. Good points are he's a nice bloke,thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread etc.
I'm in my 40's and have had a few relationships over the years and have always been happy to end if I've not felt things were going well , I'm not bothered about being by myself. But now I'm once again beginning to question if I'm just settling or if I need to give it a bit more time

When the phone beeps and you see it's a message from him....

If you smile and are keen to read and respond...
Of you roll your eyes and put the phone back down...

Your usual reaction should tell you all you need to know in these early stages.

If you are not bothered about being single, why would you stay with a man who gives you the ick?

Tell me about the text comments.

When I get a text I do smile and I think oh I'm just worrying about nothing. But then there's the odd time when he'll just say something which annoys me and when I say it's annoyed me he will come back with "don't see why that's annoyed you" and then the next day "sorry we fell out" just felt like it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand why a comment annoyed me- the fact is it did. The messages that annoy me have both been almost jealous type comments over my daughters boyfriend 🙄

Say more about these jealous type comments ?

Jealous type questions over your daughters boyfriend and you need to ask whether he’s the one?

What sort of comments?
Tbh at the min I'm thinking dump and move on! At this stage you shouldn't think about it, certainly not feel enough about anything to post on mn

Jeolousy is a big red flag to me.

If some of the stuff he’s saying/doing is giving you the ick and you’re sticking around despite talking to him about stuff and not being happy with his responses, then yeah, you’re just settling.

Being intense and touchy feely sounds potentially love-bomby if he’s not picking up on your cues that you’re “not quite there yet” and dialled that back a little. That, combined with him saying stuff that feels “off” to you then him passing it of as “jokes” (implying that you’re being over-sensitive?) are two red flags for me, personally.

The jealousy over your daughter’s boyfriend? Another flag.

So, yeah. He might be a nice bloke generally, but your instincts are saying romantically, he’s not the one for you.

You are all saying what I'd be saying to anyone who came to me in this position-I need to remember to trust my gut.

I cannot even begin to imagine what “jealous type comments over my daughters boyfriend” means. 🧐

These sort of comments about DD's boyfriend sound creepy AF. I would be ditching on that basis alone. If you lived together, how do you think that would progress? It would be a no from me.

My daughter is 19, boyfriend is 22, he's a sweet boy who brings me flowers and chocolates when he comes over. He's the same age as my grown up son and even shares his name.
It started out jokey that I was getting more flowers from him than my fella. I had to pick my son from the train station a few weeks back so sent my fella a text saying "just sat at the train station waiting for Freddy" and he replied back " flowers, chocolates and lifts eh"
To which I replied "? My son Freddy not daughters Freddy " to then he messaged back "only joking" which got on my nerves. We spoke about it and I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't find it acceptable as I don't like jealousy. But then this week I said I was spending time with my daughter as she'd been at Fred's house a lot ( shortened name as to not confuse ) To which he replied "Fred eh? He's got you wrapped around his little finger" I just messaged back "??? What are you on about" and ignored him for the rest of the day.

I think those kind of comments would get really grating in a short time to be honest.

Those comments would wind me up! They’re simply not funny or appropriate. And it’s showing an insecurity / pettiness/ nastiness that simply isn’t attractive. He should be happy (unless there is an issue with Fred) that your daughter is in a relationship with someone who is respectful and thoughtful.

If you like him and this is the only thing, then honestly I would have a very blunt chat with him and ask why he thinks these comments are funny/ appropriate in his view! And see what he has to say. Then see if apologises and then stops.

Otherwise for me? This would become a non starter. He’s having a go at you about nothing. IME behaviour like this escalates over time, it doesn’t lessen.

Yeah it's getting really tiring and not make me want to see him if I'm honest. I've had a lot of experience with dickheads and emotional abuse and red flags and narcissistic men.. just thought this one was normal but apparently not 🤣

Tell him. See his response. Does he stop? Or push back/ sulk/ settle for a while and show issues in another place (I.e be passive aggressive because he can’t believe he’s been called on his Bs?) Don’t just avoid him, be direct, tell him and if his reaction amplifies the dickhead behaviour, end it.

It’s what I’d do. I have zero patience now for men and their BS ‘it was a joke.’

I couldn't tolerate that shit for a second I'm afraid.

I'm seeing him tonight so going to tell him straight. I'm not afraid of talking to him or saying how I feel. But it's not looking good. Just going to go back to being a crazy cat lady 😆

No. That is unacceptable and childish behaviour and I would not be having that at all.

That’s not what I thought the jealous comments were going to be regarding.

Nevertheless, he annoys you, you have the ick and don’t share the same sense of humour.
Definitely break it off.

Also you know the ‘almost jealous type comments’ are not almost jealous type comments, right?
They are clearly jokes.
He has a ridiculous sense of humour, it’s teasing.
He doesn’t think anything could happen between you and a 22 year old man.

Urgh, move on already!

@Derelicthome

Also you know the ‘almost jealous type comments’ are not almost jealous type comments, right? They are clearly jokes. He has a ridiculous sense of humour, it’s teasing. He doesn’t think anything could happen between you and a 22 year old man.

Bollocks.

Urgh. It's either jealousy or he doesn't like being shown up by someone who is not your partner. Either way, you don't like it so you don't need to put up with it

Unless someone has you beaming all over your face, leave them.

But now I'm once again beginning to question if I'm just settling or if I need to give it a bit more time

Never question yourself.

Boundaries: sorted.