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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

gay

31 replies

essexgirl58 · 19/03/2022 07:28

I have finally come to the realisation that I am probably gay. I have felt like this for a while. Never felt sexually attracted to men but felt sexually attracted to women. A friend of mine said that perhaps I have not met the right man yet but she is wrong. There is a bloke I know who I think likes me but how do I let him down? Do I say sorry I prefer woman to men. Dont get me wrong, he is not totally unatractive but I have seen better looking men and have seen worse looking men.

To test my theory out I googled nude men and looking at a mans penis just made me feel sick. I got nothing out of looing at a naked man and then did the same with females and felt a sort of sexual attraction looking at a nude woman, fanticising about touching her breasts and having her touch mine but the thought of a man touching me like that really puts me off.

Does this mean I am a lesbian or just not found the right man yet

OP posts:
Lurking9to5 · 19/03/2022 07:33

I wouldn't put it out there to this guy that you're gay so early. Who is this guy to you! would he care that he's the first person you've told? I would just say no I want to be single. That way you're free to discover what's right for you without people coming back to you and saying ''but I thought you said you were gay/straight/green''

You don't owe anybody an explanation for turning down one man. Just say no.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 07:36

You let him down like any other person you’re not interested in.

1Wanda1 · 19/03/2022 07:41

Have you had sexual experiences with men and/or women? How did that feel?

I had many years of relationships with men before realising I am gay in my 30s. The sex with men was ok. I didn't hate it. Just didn't really care about it. Then I had sex with a woman and suddenly understood.

AlongCameBetsy · 19/03/2022 07:48

I agree with pp, you don't owe anyone an explanation about why you don't want to date this man, or anyone else.

Give yourself the time and space to figure yourself out, there's no rush.

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/03/2022 11:15

I do not need time. I made it pretty clear in my post that I am not sexually turned on by men. That means I am gay plain and simple. A few years ago I met a gay woman and was so turned on by her that if she had said come back home with me for the night then I would have gone like a shot. We were friends and I wanted more so I contacted her and told her and she said she did not feel the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/03/2022 11:18

The gay woman cut off the friendship because she said it would be too awkward being friends with someone knowing they wanted more from the friendship than she did

OP posts:
picklesandrhyme · 19/03/2022 11:18

In your first post you are asking does this mean you are a lesbian. In your second you state you are gay. You have answered your own question.

Lurking9to5 · 19/03/2022 11:20

Your post finishes up by asking "am i a lesbian or have i not met the right man yet?".

Id say the former, but you did ask the question making it seem like you havent 100% figured it out yet.

My advice still the same. You dont need to make any announcements right now. As soon as there's somebody you want to be with, be honest then.

SylvanianFrenemies · 19/03/2022 11:27

It sounds like you are gay, and know this. Not really sure why you are one moment asking if you haven't met the right man, next saying "I am gay plain and simple".

As for rejecting this man, say whatever you like. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you aren't interested it, equally theres nothing wrong with saying "no thanks, I prefer women".

Maybe time to get out there and meet the right woman/women.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 19/03/2022 11:31

That means I am gay plain and simple.

There you go, question answered.

Regarding the guy, if he asks you out then just tell him you're not interested. No need to divulge anything you don't want to. You're not due him an explanation.

BlueFlavour · 19/03/2022 11:34

I don’t think many hetrosexual women find a penis a turn on tbh. I’m quite fond of dh’s but honestly looking at it certainly doesn’t excite me Grin

StringFellow · 19/03/2022 11:40

So what’s this thread for? If you’re sure you’re gay.

Ineedastyleicon · 19/03/2022 11:42

@BlueFlavour

I don’t think many hetrosexual women find a penis a turn on tbh. I’m quite fond of dh’s but honestly looking at it certainly doesn’t excite me Grin
I thought the same!!
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/03/2022 13:10

Your first post said: Does this mean I am a lesbian or just not found the right man yet

People then offered some initial, helpful advice and encourage you not to feel you have to rush to label yourself if you're asking yourself that question.

You: I do not need time. I made it pretty clear in my post that I am not sexually turned on by men. That means I am gay plain and simple.

With respect OP, it wasn't "pretty clear" as you literally asked whether you're a lesbian or not...

People can be a great support on here but not if you're a bit rude and dismissive of their support.

You don't owe anyone, man or woman, a reason you're not interested in them romantically. "I'm not interested in you in that way" is ample reason and decent people accept it graciously. If they don't, they're arseholes regardless of whether they're a man or woman.

whitewashing · 19/03/2022 13:26

So, you’re gay, plain and simple….what’s the question?

Original poster
essexgirl58 · 19/03/2022 13:46

perhaps I am not ready to be different.

All my parents wanted for me was to find a nice bloke who had money and could buy a nice house and take me on nice holidays. I do not need a man to do that. I have been to a lot of diferent countries, Europe and beyond and have a nice home. My parents grew up in an era where women relied on men and in turn they cooked and kept house, darned and mended the clothes and raised the children.
we live in a different world now

OP posts:
Traumdeuter · 19/03/2022 13:50

We do live in a different world now, so take the plunge and do what makes you happy.

Rickiie · 02/03/2023 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dery · 02/03/2023 07:21

OP - I think you may have grown up in an unusually old-fashioned household. I am in my 50s and grew up in the 1970s - once my sister and I were at primary school, my mum worked, as did the mothers of my friends. The whole sitting at home darning sounds about 100 years ago.

Anyway - I’m hetero and wouldn’t enjoy looking at pictures of dicks so I don’t think that’s a test. But it does sound like you’re gay. You don’t owe this guy any explanation though. You can just say you don’t want to go out with him.

hattie43 · 02/03/2023 07:27

Don't overthink it . Just go with what feels right and makes you happy .

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/03/2023 07:31

I'm heterosexual and I'm not turned on by photos of random naked men.

WhatInFreshHell · 02/03/2023 07:45

This was me a few years back OP! I'm fully out and proud now, and in a wonderful same sex relationship. I finally feel like I'm being true to myself, after spending a huge portion of my adult life feeling like I was lost. I could never understand why having sex with a man made my stomach turn...until I first had sex with a woman Grin

CurlewKate · 02/03/2023 08:17

How old are you, OP?

Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 08:45

Ineedastyleicon · 19/03/2022 11:42

@BlueFlavour

I don’t think many hetrosexual women find a penis a turn on tbh. I’m quite fond of dh’s but honestly looking at it certainly doesn’t excite me Grin
I thought the same!!

Lol yes, it’s not exactly the same for women looking at a penis than it is for me looking at a naked woman.

CircleofWillis · 02/03/2023 10:45

🧟‍♀️!!!Zombie alert!!! 🧟‍♀️