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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 29 but my dad is still abusive

33 replies

Jolene93 · 18/03/2022 06:43

Tough topic for me to talk about but I’m not coping anymore.

Always had a bad relationship with my dad. My mum passed three years ago and immediately since, things got worse.
I was 26 when she passed, with a two year old. Live on our own. I began a relationship three months later and my dad became controlling and did everything in his power to make things difficult for me as he didn’t like it. Me and my boyfriend eventually split from the pressure.
My dad tells me how to parent, but I don’t listen to that as how he treated/treats me isn’t how I want to raise my son.
He calls me to speak to my now 5 y/o, doesn’t talk to me or ask me how I am.
I had a job in 2021 he forced me to leave because he wouldn’t help me with childcare anymore, said he would help if I got a different one. So I got another job and I’ve just left this one because he went back on his word and did the same thing.
I feel absolutely drained and yesterday I finally snapped and told him I’ve had to leave the last two jobs because of him and he said..
“You btch. You absolute btch. I can’t believe you’ve spoken to me like that.”

I just feel like I’m done with him, he’s really affecting my mental health. Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:
hellcatspangle · 18/03/2022 06:49

You've answered your own question.

What positives does he bring to our life? Sounds like none, so why allow yourself to be controlled by him?

Garman · 18/03/2022 06:55

Stop having a relationship with him and/or trying to rely on him, surely that's obvious?

starrynight21 · 18/03/2022 06:58

I'd go no contact. Why are you allowing this - get other childcare, get a job you like, stop the contact with him. Your son will be fine without a horrible man like that in his life, so don't undermine yourself by thinking he needs to see his grandad. You'd both be better off without him.

silkypancakes · 18/03/2022 06:58

@Jolene93olene it is a testament to your loyalty and ability to form strong family roots that you feel so much like you must be in a relationship with your dad and encourage links between him and your son. Your capacity for unconditional love, tolerance and forgiveness will make you a fantastic parent and warm partner. But you do not need to unconditionally extend this to someone who is repeatedly hurting you. It will be painful for you to go against your instinctive bond to your family, but it is your dad who has broken the trust of this relationship, not you. He has sabotaged it and it is right that he should lose your love and your loyalty.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/03/2022 06:59

You have to go no contact and sort your own child care out.

ReacherMargrave · 18/03/2022 07:00

Do you live with your dad?

custardbear · 18/03/2022 07:02

Get a new job, in the meantime find out how you can get childcare sorted out, if he's 5 he'll be at school and they have after school care or local child minders

Keep away from your dad or he'll envelop your child into this dreadful behaviours and he'll think it's ok to treat people in this manner - it really isn't ok

2DogsOnMySofa · 18/03/2022 07:20

Just because he's your df doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with him. Cut all contact with him, get a new job and look for alternative childcare

UsernameA1B2 · 18/03/2022 07:23

I would go no contact. He sounds like he brings nothing positive to your life and will probably have a negative influence on your child.

EatSleepReplete · 18/03/2022 07:33

He will probably treat your son the way he treats you. Is that what you want? What do you want & what are you going to do to get it?

WonderfulYou · 18/03/2022 07:45

I had a job in 2021 he forced me to leave because he wouldn’t help me with childcare anymore, said he would help if I got a different one.

Sorry but I think you are making yourself a victim here.

He didn’t force you to leave your job - you chose to.
If he’s abusive why are you even asking him to childcare in the first place?

I find it hard to believe your dad forced you to split with your boyfriend.
How did he even know about him?

Stop relying on him so much.
You don’t need to never speak to him again but just distance yourself.

Get a childminder so you don’t need him for childcare and if you get a partner don’t tell him.

layladomino · 18/03/2022 08:34

No question at all - cut all contact.

This man brings nothing to your life. He isn't capable of a good father / daughter relationship. Which is really sad for you, I know, but you've done your best. You've tried and he keeps showing you that he's just nasty and he certainly doesn't have your best interests at heart (and he won't be a good grandfather either - you know that already).

Your life will be calmer and happier and less complicated without him in it.

Don't feel any guilt. He is abusive. He's done all the damage. He doesn't deserve your guilt.

layladomino · 18/03/2022 08:36

And I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. It's so tough to lose a parent so young. I hope you have support by way of friends / relatives. Foster those.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2022 08:45

You're an adult now, the solution is obvious. Cut him out and move on with your life. I'm not saying your father isn't abusive, he clearly is, but he has never owed you childcare. That's your responsibility.

Original poster
Jolene93 · 18/03/2022 08:53

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will be cutting contact. For those asking why I haven’t already etc, it’s because I felt my son had already lost his Gran so tried everything to keep his Grandad in his life. However, I just can’t allow my son to be around it anymore.
@layladomino thank you for your kind words regarding my Mum 💐

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/03/2022 08:53

Go no contact

Find alternative help with child care

Don’t subject your son to this

layladomino · 18/03/2022 08:58

You are doing the right thing. Better not to have contact with Grandad than to see a Grandad who is abusive. He will thank you for it later on.

I know it feels like a huge decision, but it's actually a much bigger decision for you than your son. To your son it will quickly become 'normal'.

Quitelikeit · 18/03/2022 09:16

What a disgusting pathetic excuse for a father this man is!

Please don’t allow your son to spend time with such a poor example of humanity

Use childcare, keep succeeding, block your fathers number

I’d rather have no father than a ‘father’ like this!

Summerfun54321 · 18/03/2022 09:17

Even well meaning parents can’t be relied on for childcare. Not defending his actions but really reliable professional childcare is much less stressful.

billy1966 · 18/03/2022 09:21

OP,

You are in an abusive, controlling relationship.

Truly awful for your son to witness.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.
They will support you and advise you.

He brings absolutely NOTHING to your life.

You owe him nothing.

You need support, because abusive men tend to escalate abuse when their victims pull away.

He will use illness, threats of suicide, calling SS on you.

Ring the police if necessary.

weleasewoderick23 · 18/03/2022 09:24

I would echo all the other posters on here about organising other childcare.

I would also recommend looking up FOG ( fear, obligation and guilt) because that's what you're going through. You feel that you have to tolerate his behaviour because he is your father. You don't!

I hope this is helpful

psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/04/5-manipulation-tactics-narcissistic-parents-use-to-control-their-adult-children

drpet49 · 18/03/2022 09:25

** Sorry but I think you are making yourself a victim here.

He didn’t force you to leave your job - you chose to.
If he’s abusive why are you even asking him to childcare in the first place?

I find it hard to believe your dad forced you to split with your boyfriend.
How did he even know about him?

Stop relying on him so much.**

^This. Why are you letting your child have contact with an abusive man????

Lurking9to5 · 18/03/2022 09:29

Even if it means enduring a few years of abject poverty, get out from under his roof now. He thinks he owns you and he thinks he has the right to treat you however he likes and this belief won't change. He'll either treat your child how he treats you or he'll use your child as a two against one to back him up. It starts off subtle and insidious, mum is so stressed, mum is silly, and then before you know it, it's just taken as red in the family, and by your own DC too (even though you've done everything you can not to pass on the dysfunction) that you're incompetent and paranoid.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/03/2022 09:29

He sounds awful, was he controlling your mum too and now she’s gone he needs a new victim?

I haven’t seen my parents since 2006, my dads got 3 kids who don’t have anything to do with him.

Stay strong, you will come under pressure to see him but you’re an adult and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, least of all those with no idea what this is like.

Lurking9to5 · 18/03/2022 09:31

@Jolene93

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will be cutting contact. For those asking why I haven’t already etc, it’s because I felt my son had already lost his Gran so tried everything to keep his Grandad in his life. However, I just can’t allow my son to be around it anymore. *@layladomino* thank you for your kind words regarding my Mum 💐
It's really hard when you're on the hook. They train you to feel their emotions acutely and sublimate your own.

So don't berate yourself for having made decisions that suited him not you. But you know now. You know now you have to do what's right with you. It will feel really uncomfortable but sit with it and let it pass. it will. And then the next time you displease him, those uncomfortable feelings will be less intense. xx