I’m 29 but my dad is still abusive

[Jolene93]

Tough topic for me to talk about but I’m not coping anymore.

Always had a bad relationship with my dad. My mum passed three years ago and immediately since, things got worse.
I was 26 when she passed, with a two year old. Live on our own. I began a relationship three months later and my dad became controlling and did everything in his power to make things difficult for me as he didn’t like it. Me and my boyfriend eventually split from the pressure.
My dad tells me how to parent, but I don’t listen to that as how he treated/treats me isn’t how I want to raise my son.
He calls me to speak to my now 5 y/o, doesn’t talk to me or ask me how I am.
I had a job in 2021 he forced me to leave because he wouldn’t help me with childcare anymore, said he would help if I got a different one. So I got another job and I’ve just left this one because he went back on his word and did the same thing.
I feel absolutely drained and yesterday I finally snapped and told him I’ve had to leave the last two jobs because of him and he said..
“You btch. You absolute btch. I can’t believe you’ve spoken to me like that.”

I just feel like I’m done with him, he’s really affecting my mental health. Any advice would be greatly appreciated x

Even if it means enduring a few years of abject poverty, get out from under his roof now.

I don’t think OP lives with him as she said he calls her to speak to his grandson.
So it’s even easier to reduce contact.

FWIW my mum is quite controlling/narcissistic. What’s worse is she’s actually lovely most of the time but only as long as everything is done how she wants it.

It took many years of me thinking I/my DC need her (single parent no father involved or other grandparents) and her making me feel guilty for not doing what she wants to realise actually her behaviour is not ok.

I am still in contact with her but I reduced contact by being less available - if she texted I would reply a few hours later. I started seeing her less too. I don’t keep secrets from her I just don’t tell her absolutely everything.

Our relationship is actually better now as I still visit her and do fun things with her but she has no control so the atmosphere is better.

I wish I'd done it like this. Just faded away a bit. But I stood up to my Mum and asked her to stop calling me paranoid/stop glossing over it.

She reacted with such outraged martyrdom. Then gave me the silent treatment and I was so hurt and silenced that I reacted with anger, which became the whole family's focus, and I WAS judged for that>

their perception is that they are the victims of my anger> absolutely no understanding that expecting somebody you claim to love to have NO REACTION to being hurt by you and robbed of any voice in the family is not a reasonable expectation.

I feel like I see the real her and she doesn't even know that her mask is a mask because she 100% blames me for having asked for respect. HOW. DARE. I ??? that is her sentiment. She is genuinely outraged.

I feel terrified of the real her and everybody else thinks she's lovely. My dad is a spineless wet lettuce and he hates me. My brother though, he's an enmeshed golden boy and he blames me for the rift too. So I've lost him too.

@Jolene93 glad to hear you don't live under his roof.

Stop seeing him or talking to him. Go no contact. Never let him see your dc, and find alternative childcare. Then get some counselling.

He won't change. You have to protect yourself and your dc from him.

No contact ever again.

My parents are highly abusive still and I'm 60 years old. Mind games, criticism, punishments for misdemeanours like not sending me a birthday card etc etc.
I moved 300 miles away a few years ago and haven't seen them since. It's bliss. I have no intention of visiting again. They have made their bed and they can lie in it.
I suggest you have absolute minimal contact and if possible move a long way away. Nothing changes, they will be like this until they die.
I wished I'd realised this many years ago.

Just read your latest post OP well done, you know it makes sense. My parents had ruined two marriages for me before I finally twigged.

You’re right to cut contact, you can’t have this abusive person wrecking your life and that of your son. I’d rather no grandparent than an abusive controlling one.