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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

36 replies

DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:01

Stupid silly argument between us both and I'm just curious to find out whether I'm being unreasonable or whether DP is.

DP is a clean freak, obsessed with tidying and can be quite annoying with it. Everything has to have a space, DC can't put their cups on the table it has to be under a mat at all times, everything has to have felt feet to stop it scratching surfaces. No shoes allowed at all in the house etc.

We've had our kitchen worktops sanded down 3 days ago so there's a lot of dust, however we're having a new sink fitted today. DP was itching about cleaning up last night in the kitchen.

I said if you want to clean it up tonight I'll help however it will need doing again tomorrow and I'm not doing it twice. It'll be a deep clean, skirting boards, inside cupboards, floor sweeping and mopping etc. I'm 6 months pregnant and it's getting hard work.

Low and behold, there's dust everywhere again and DP comes in wanting me to help clean again. I've refused and he's had a strop, throwing his weight around. I've already cleaned the living room and dining room whilst the sink was being done!

I literally said to him last night "if you want to do it tonight, you will need to do it yourself if it's a mess again tomorrow. I think we should just do it tomorrow evening" and he said he'd rather he did it last night!

I wouldn't normally put my foot down but I'm not helping. No way!

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 17/03/2022 17:04

He’s being ridiculous.

RedPinkRose · 17/03/2022 17:06

Keep your foot down, OP. Let him clean it he wishes to.

Skelligsfeathers · 17/03/2022 17:06

Yanbu
That would drive me insane

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/03/2022 17:08

Not sure how he will cope adding another dc to the mess...
Is your pregnancy highlighting his cleaning habits?

Original poster
DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:12

He actually thinks I'm being unreasonable for not helping. I am trying my hardest to not help him because I naturally try to avoid arguments.

My pregnancy isn't highlighting the cleaning, we've recently bought our house and spent a long time doing it up. He's very house proud and so am I, however I am not awkward about it like he is. I recognise the house will be untidy at times, that it won't be deep cleaned each week and that it's perfectly fine not to be.

It upsets me that he thinks I'm being unreasonable though. He can't see my POV at all.

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 17/03/2022 17:15

Everything has to have a space, DC can't put their cups on the table it has to be under a mat at all times, everything has to have felt feet to stop it scratching surfaces. No shoes allowed at all in the house etc.

We are the same way and don’t consider ourselves “freaks”

I can appreciate being six months gone with little ones underfoot and not having the energy to keep up the extent of usual cleaning you do so your DH should be doing most of it.

But are you serious you cannot help him at all? I could not leave sanding dust lying about my kitchen for 3 whole days myself. How can either of you cook in such unhygienic environment? Too it can get into the sealant they put round the sink and that will cause issues down the road. So your logic is lazy. Can you not just leisurely wipe down the counters at least? It takes all of ten minutes to do.

Jellybean23 · 17/03/2022 17:17

It's him being unreasonable - and rather childish for not being able to wait another 24 hours. He needs to get a sense of perspective.

DuckyNoMates · 17/03/2022 17:17

How are you or he cooking without getting dust everywhere?

Insanegotnobrain · 17/03/2022 17:20

@EmpressCixi

Everything has to have a space, DC can't put their cups on the table it has to be under a mat at all times, everything has to have felt feet to stop it scratching surfaces. No shoes allowed at all in the house etc.

We are the same way and don’t consider ourselves “freaks”

I can appreciate being six months gone with little ones underfoot and not having the energy to keep up the extent of usual cleaning you do so your DH should be doing most of it.

But are you serious you cannot help him at all? I could not leave sanding dust lying about my kitchen for 3 whole days myself. How can either of you cook in such unhygienic environment? Too it can get into the sealant they put round the sink and that will cause issues down the road. So your logic is lazy. Can you not just leisurely wipe down the counters at least? It takes all of ten minutes to do.

I’m with Emptess. I wouldn’t want to be walking around in a dusty kitchen trying to make a cuppa or whatever with dust being trailed round everywhere. It would make more of a mess in the long run.
Watchkeys · 17/03/2022 17:24

You want it one way, he wants it another. There are no rules about how often it the cleaning should be done, so neither of you can be right or wrong.

The problem is that you don't respect each other's right to feel differently. You're not interested in finding a compromise so that both of you can be happy, you just want to be right.

A relationship isn't a zero sum game. The aim isn't to win over your opponent. Have you tried anything else other than pushing your 'rightness' on each other?

Original poster
DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:24

I never called anyone a freak?

We haven't cooked for the last 3 days, the doors have been firmly shut and my parents have had us for dinner. We've shut the kitchen doors. It hasn't made any mess at all throughout the rest of the house. I'm the one whose cleaned the rest of it!

I think you're missing my point, I did a deep clean yesterday - skirting boards, windowsills, windows, inside cupboards etc. im not sure how that makes my logic lazy when I work full time also?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/03/2022 17:27

@Jellybean23

It's him being unreasonable - and rather childish for not being able to wait another 24 hours. He needs to get a sense of perspective.
But it's dirty. It's not childish to want your kitchen free of dust when you're preparing food. It wouldn't be allowed in a commercial kitchen, and for good reason.
DuckyNoMates · 17/03/2022 17:27

DP is a clean freak, obsessed with tidying and can be quite annoying with it

Yes you did

Original poster
DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:27

I do 80% of the cleaning in the house anyway. I enjoy cleaning.

We weren't allowed to clean until the wax had set on the kitchen worktop yesterday anyway?! How could I have cleaned down worktops. It took 2 days sanding, one whole day (yesterday) for the wax to set/dry.

OP posts:
DuckyNoMates · 17/03/2022 17:28

Fair enough if you haven't been using the kitchen then yes he's been over the top

Original poster
DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:28

No tea/food/anything had been prepared in the kitchen. The kitchen men used our utility to help themselves which is spotless Hmm

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/03/2022 17:29

It doesn't matter whether you love cleaning or not, but the fact that you've felt the need to point it out shows how defensive you're feeling.

Are you always like this when you disagree about something?

EmpressCixi · 17/03/2022 17:36

@DaimDillyDoo

I do 80% of the cleaning in the house anyway. I enjoy cleaning.

We weren't allowed to clean until the wax had set on the kitchen worktop yesterday anyway?! How could I have cleaned down worktops. It took 2 days sanding, one whole day (yesterday) for the wax to set/dry.

I meant can you not wipe them down now to help your DH now. Not days ago.
Original poster
DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:40

Yep I'm an awful, aggressive bully who gets defensive over every little thing. 

You've already been wrong about my dirty kitchen when food is being prepped etc. it's probably best to not jump to other conclusions eh?

@EmpressCixi I have just cleaned the lounge and diner, made our bed and sorted the washing. I just thought he could do the kitchen... I could wipe the sides down, but he's expecting a full on clean like last night. I haven't the energy to do it again Sad

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 17/03/2022 17:42

OP I get what you're saying. If you know the room is going to need to be cleaned again, from top to bottom, the very next day, there is no point doing it the night before. You gave him the choice. You said you would help him clean it once. Either the day before or the next day. He chose the day before. Therefore he is being unreasonable to ask you to do it again.

On this one occasion YANBU

Original poster
DaimDillyDoo · 17/03/2022 17:46

@WallaceinAnderland exactly! Smile

I have no problem, at any other time, helping to clean up. As I mentioned before, I do 80% of the cleaning. We could have a cleaner in all day every day and DP would still find something to moan about...

I knew it would make more sense to deep clean tonight when all the work is done, rather than last night, but he didn't want to listen to me. He wanted it cleaned there and then.

I knew there was going to be loads of mess again today but he wouldn't listen.

OP posts:
notawittyname1954 · 17/03/2022 18:33

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. You told him you would only do it once and he should have listened.

notawittyname1954 · 17/03/2022 18:35

I really think people don't read posts properly and jump to all sorts of conclusions.

Okayokayokayokay · 17/03/2022 19:33

You are not being unreasonable. It will get worse when baby comes along with his OCD.

Watchkeys · 17/03/2022 21:39

You've already been wrong about my dirty kitchen when food is being prepped etc. it's probably best to not jump to other conclusions eh

You're very defensive, OP.

Are the two of you always like this when you disagree?