Second Best

[User838960]

I'm not sure I'll push send on this, but I feel like I need to call time on being second best. And writing it out feels somewhat therapeutic.

I fell in love with my partner. Head over heels, in love. It genuinely felt like a connection I have never felt before. And perhaps it was love bombing and I were naïve to it. But I genuinely felt like I had met my person in the world.

When we met, he was moving back to his hometown. Hours away from me. After three months of doing the distance, he moved back to be with me and as much as I wanted him to find his own place, we were in lockdown and it just felt easier to be together. Outside of our relationship he had a daughter, who he saw every second weekend. I met her 9 months into our relationship. I adore her. She is the easiest thing about us.

Relationship with daughters mother was volatile (to put mildly). Constant blocking, abuse, weaponizing daughter, all coming from her upon finding out about our relationship. I can't be bothered going into the intricacies of her behaviour but over the course of 2 years she has completely come between us. And I don't blame her for that. I blame myself and my partner too for not being better at communicating the damage she was doing to us. Btw I am not OW. Came along 2 years post breakup.

She has stopped us seeing DSD, she has stopped me for months on end but allowed partner, she has blocked contact, upped child support if my name was mentioned (no agreement in place), threatened all sorts. It has been such a tumultuous trying time to the point we agreed partner move back to hometown and we do long distance as I know DSD must come first.

It's getting to the point now where I cannot cope with being so disposable any longer. I am tired of being a sounding bored to what the ex does to him. No matter what approach I take - I always am to blame. If I take an impartial approach - he assumes I'm not interested and I'm hurrying him off the phone. If I take a heated approach - he then defends her (despite me taking his stance initially). If I take an emotional approach and express her words about me are too much to hear - he takes the stance that he cannot keep me and her happy and can't be in the relationship.

I cannot win. I cannot see how I fit into this life anymore. I don't know whether I am in the wrong. Whether I am the one who can't compartmentalise what has happened. I am supposed to be moving to be with this person and I just cannot see how I fit into this world anymore or even want to be in it?!

I guess I'm just hoping for some advice from anyone who has been through similar. Is it a life of just being the bigger person and squashing how I feel in order to be with this person? I get there are nightmare exes out there, but surely the actual partner wants to be on the same team as you?! And support you through it? Rather than making out like I should just accept it and I'm the problem if I don't>!

I won't go into why my partner does not have the emotional capacity to go through the courts right now for fear of not seeing DSD a very long time. He basically tries his best to keep the peace.

I don't think I am cut out for this. I don't think I'm asking for much other than the respect to support me sometimes as much as I support him. As soon as I take issue with ex's actions it's world war 3.

Have you met the XW or are you just hearing your DP's version?

You're not cut out for this and you can't win. Your words.

I'd step right back. Whatever you do, don't uproot yourself and move to his.

Plough your own furrow, i.e. make sure you have a life that isn't dependent on him and his priorities.

I dated a guy that jumped to the tune of his ex partner, purely due to the fear she'd stop him seeing the kids. Yes, there are women out there who would do this for no valid reason other than they don't get their own way. You'll never win (and you wouldn't want to as it's the kids that suffer). I had to bow out. I'm not sure saying 2nd best is the right way to describe it. I just didn't like that everything we did depended on his ex. He wasn't strong. I didn't respect him.
Do not move to be nearer to him. Just end it.

Sounds like a pretty draining experience. I’m sorry to say (from experience) this is likely as good as it gets with him. So common for men to just ‘keep the peace’. As you say, you can’t win. Such is the lot of the step mum. A common tale.

My BF is also in the ‘keep the peace’ camp. We both have kids. He is not partner material in the true sense. Like your guy, mine moans about ‘how hard everything is’. I make sure not to be his therapist and limit the amount of air space he takes with his whinging. He is often in victim mode.

We’ll never live together. I make sure I keep him in the BF zone, keep my life, my friends, all up and running to not be The Sideline.

If you can just invest in your own life, and keep him as a BF then fine. But if there’s too much drama and then maybe just end the relationship.

Make sure contraception is bomb proof.

Do not move near him. He’s not offering you enough. In fact he is taking more than he’s giving.

If you want kids of your own: move on and find someone else.

How old is his daughter ?

Sounds tough.

Tell him all of what you have said here and let him think about if he wants you in his life. If he does then he has to make some changes.

If you have to squash how you feel, it's not a healthy relationship for you, and you have to move on. That's true of any relationship, and for and reason.

This is doomed. I'm sorry but you've done your level best and you have to cut your losses now.

You've not been together that long, not married, no kids, don't even live together. Now is the time you can walk away from all this stress and move on. Do it now, not after you have moved and got further involved in this situation, I honestly don't think it gets better from here.

Thank you all for your responses - it has definitely helped to read. It's honestly just so nice to read other people's wisdom and experience in these situations because when you're in it it's hard to see sense and the bigger picture.

I have met the ex partner once. I've seen the texts and it is all unprovoked by him. I know this sounds silly, but I really struggle to see how calm and measured he can be with her in order to keep the peace, but when it comes to me he is incapable. And all the anger at the situation is directed at me.

It is so right that I am giving more than I am getting. He tells me everything I want to hear after a fight, that he knows he has managed the situation badly and he wants to support and have my back more. But he falls at the first hurdle and I am to blame yet again. It is completely draining. I feel completely disposable. He never validates my feelings. I am always wrong to have any feeling in this situation and I have no right to feel affected by it all. How dare I?

It is complete 'playing the victim' card. I know it's not good. I have known this for a while. I don't know why I keep tolerating it and fighting for the relationship. I feel like a total mug if I'm honest.

His DD is 5. As great as it has been having her in my life, I don't think I will ever be able to enter into this style of arrangement again through the sheer PTSD I'm suffering from it all.

If you want the relationship, then you have to separate the two things - him, and him and the child and his ex. Let him see the child and deal with his ex and tell him you want to hear no part of it. Don't move, or move but to your own place. Have agreed times/days that you see one another.
Lots can change - ex wife May meet someone eventually and completely change her tuen. Maybe she enjoys the control she has over him via you and if you cut that off at the source maybe she'll find something else to think about. And no, im not vilifying her , I've been on both sides of this coin.
Then bide your time if you have it and see if it works out, all the while building up your own life.
Or, if it's not working for you, just move on

Funnily enough ex partner does have someone! But yes it is a complete control thing which I have felt for a while. I don't think her current partner would have any idea of the behaviour she is carrying on with.

I kind of have been biding my time since he moved back to see if we could get a good run of change before making the decision to move over. There hasn't been a glimmer of change.

Honestly, when the ex decided she didn't want me seeing her DD - my partner more or less told me our relationship can't work. It's actually embarrassing that I stuck around after that. When the going gets tough, I'm the first thing to get rid of in his life.

Just coming to the realisation now that it can't go on anymore. I've romanticised us turning this around for too long. It just hurts that I wasn't worth supporting.

You absolutely do not have to squash your feelings. This situation is making you really miserable.
You've tied yourself in knots trying to find the best way to handle things and it seems you can't do right for doing wrong.
I'd honestly cut him loose.
You'll miss the little girl but she may actually have a happier home life if the level of conflict between her parents decreases once you're off the scene. Frame it like that to yourself.
And don't become someone's whipping boy ever again.

A word of caution: my BF’s kids are 17 and 20 (failed to launch, behaves like a young child, manipulates and refuses to engage except on her terms) and my BF still cannot stand up to his dd (20) and generate normal boundaries. His dd and ex and him are mired in dysfunction. BF is stuck. So there’s a cautionary tale. This shit DOES NOT get better.

As someone with older teens I’ve no desire to throw my lot in with him. No desire to have kids. I just see him when we have free time. I make sure he stays as a boyfriend. I l know this man well (been in a relationship 6years) and know nothing will change.

I suspect that you’re younger and will want kids. If that’s the case do yourself the world’s most enormous favour - end this relationship. Your words are ‘not a glimmer of change’. Stop waiting in the wings.

It will be so hard, gather your friends round you. But it will absolutely be worth it. You deserve more than this.

One thing to reassure you - this stuff is being projected on you but I tell you what - it’s not about you at all. It’s nothing to do with you. So please don’t let yourself feel worthless because his mess with the ex is totally unconnected to you.

In fact - as an interim measure next time he gets worked up with you about his ex - use this phrase ‘sorry.. but this has nothing to do with me’

You really don’t need this for the rest of your life, and imagine how it might be when DSD reaches the teenage years.
Like you say, you don’t want to be second best.

You sound very mature about this, much stronger than him.
I’m sorry you are going though this.
GarytheCat has given great advice.

Remember though - this is not you. But also it’s not your possible next man either. Depending on your age, many men will have exW and kids already but most don’t have these issues so don’t restrict yourself in future

He's using you as an emotional punchbag, that's not on. The situation would be recoverable if you worked together, but you'll never get anywhere whilst he's blaming you.

Get out whilst you can, his actions don't match his words

Been there, got the t-shirt, years of stress and heartache. Ultimately a waste of time and energy.

Can't thank you enough for all your supportive, lovely words. I am definitely going to be reading over and over this thread.

Agree @GaryTheCat your advice has been fantastic. You are right, I am mid 30's and I would love to have a child. I definitely need to put that into more consideration. That I am completely destroying all chances of this happening by persisting with this person. Despite not even knowing if he will ever be mature enough to go down that path again, given his dealings with the ex situation, I have no doubt that I would have a future of him treating our child lesser than his child etc. turning his back on us as a new family and constantly prioritising DD over any other child.

I don't need this, none of it is normal. I am so tired of being the bigger person.

I've just confided in a friend today who told me one of her girlfriends has been in a similar boat to me. The relationship has broken down now and she is actually in a new relationship with a man with a child and is going through therapy in order to deal with her feelings from the previous relationship so that it doesn't affect her new relationship. It's so horrible that we have to go through this and our kindness is capitalised on and taken for granted.

God I need to start having some more respect for myself.

Unfortunately this needs to go to court if it doesn’t then this woman will continue to use her child to meet her own gratifications.

You should also not tolerate the situation - you should walk away and save your sanity.

It’s a vicious cycle and you are the one that can halt it because he won’t.

He might be shocked into action if you tell him you are done

You are right, time to end it.

Not least because his ex may be difficult, but I'd put money on him being part of the problem. For a start, he moved HOURS away from his daughter and moved in with you after you'd barely been dating for very long... there are huge red flags for me right there and if I was his ex, I'd be pretty livid that a) he's moving away (so potentially massively reducing chances of seeing daughter - especially due to covid and travel restrictions) and b) that he's potentially introducing this woman as a step mother so soon.

And cynically, when he moved in with you during covid.... who did the cooking, cleaning, paying? Or was ALL his money going to his DD so you had to step up!?

I think you'll be getting a lucky escape if you end this now.

@BlingLoving Yeah you're right...it is a bit mental to think he did that now. I guess that was the last time I got even a sniff of being a priority and I haven't felt like that since.

He moved into my place that I owned. Charged him 'boyfriend rates'. Yep, I did everything in terms of shopping, cooking, cleaning.

Not even sure I want to shock him into action at this point. On one hand I want him to come snivelling back with his tail between his legs after our last blow up. On the other hand, I never want to speak to him again.

[quote User838960]@BlingLoving Yeah you're right...it is a bit mental to think he did that now. I guess that was the last time I got even a sniff of being a priority and I haven't felt like that since.

He moved into my place that I owned. Charged him 'boyfriend rates'. Yep, I did everything in terms of shopping, cooking, cleaning.

Not even sure I want to shock him into action at this point. On one hand I want him to come snivelling back with his tail between his legs after our last blow up. On the other hand, I never want to speak to him again.[/quote]
I don't even feel a tiny bit happy about being proven right.

OP, this man is a loser. He love bombed you. Then he became a cocklodger. Now he's gaslighting you.

Meanwhile, I am 100% sure that if you had a proper conversation with his ex, you'd find that she is livid and angry because of his behaviour over a long time.

He's not a good one. Throw him back.

The narrative is ALWAYS that the ex is crazy and causing the problems. It never ceases to amaze me how easily and quickly people buy this argument.

During lockdown, while he was living miles away, how often did he see his daughter? Did he take on any of the home schooling? Was his ex trying to work AND look after and homeschool a 5 year old? What was he doing? I'm not surprised she is angry.

The only good thing this man has done is move back to be closer to his daughter. There's no value for you in this relationship. Consider this a lucky escape.