I'm not sure I'll push send on this, but I feel like I need to call time on being second best. And writing it out feels somewhat therapeutic.
I fell in love with my partner. Head over heels, in love. It genuinely felt like a connection I have never felt before. And perhaps it was love bombing and I were naïve to it. But I genuinely felt like I had met my person in the world.
When we met, he was moving back to his hometown. Hours away from me. After three months of doing the distance, he moved back to be with me and as much as I wanted him to find his own place, we were in lockdown and it just felt easier to be together. Outside of our relationship he had a daughter, who he saw every second weekend. I met her 9 months into our relationship. I adore her. She is the easiest thing about us.
Relationship with daughters mother was volatile (to put mildly). Constant blocking, abuse, weaponizing daughter, all coming from her upon finding out about our relationship. I can't be bothered going into the intricacies of her behaviour but over the course of 2 years she has completely come between us. And I don't blame her for that. I blame myself and my partner too for not being better at communicating the damage she was doing to us. Btw I am not OW. Came along 2 years post breakup.
She has stopped us seeing DSD, she has stopped me for months on end but allowed partner, she has blocked contact, upped child support if my name was mentioned (no agreement in place), threatened all sorts. It has been such a tumultuous trying time to the point we agreed partner move back to hometown and we do long distance as I know DSD must come first.
It's getting to the point now where I cannot cope with being so disposable any longer. I am tired of being a sounding bored to what the ex does to him. No matter what approach I take - I always am to blame. If I take an impartial approach - he assumes I'm not interested and I'm hurrying him off the phone. If I take a heated approach - he then defends her (despite me taking his stance initially). If I take an emotional approach and express her words about me are too much to hear - he takes the stance that he cannot keep me and her happy and can't be in the relationship.
I cannot win. I cannot see how I fit into this life anymore. I don't know whether I am in the wrong. Whether I am the one who can't compartmentalise what has happened. I am supposed to be moving to be with this person and I just cannot see how I fit into this world anymore or even want to be in it?!
I guess I'm just hoping for some advice from anyone who has been through similar. Is it a life of just being the bigger person and squashing how I feel in order to be with this person? I get there are nightmare exes out there, but surely the actual partner wants to be on the same team as you?! And support you through it? Rather than making out like I should just accept it and I'm the problem if I don't>!
I won't go into why my partner does not have the emotional capacity to go through the courts right now for fear of not seeing DSD a very long time. He basically tries his best to keep the peace.
I don't think I am cut out for this. I don't think I'm asking for much other than the respect to support me sometimes as much as I support him. As soon as I take issue with ex's actions it's world war 3.