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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New DP going away while I (probably/possibly) have Covid

73 replies

MaeveWiley · 17/03/2022 10:46

My two DC (12 and 9) have Covid, but are recovering well. I have escaped so far but am starting to feel a sore throat coming on. Testing negative up til now. The thing is, DP of 18 months is due to fly to see his parents for 3 days this weekend - a long standing arrangement because Christmas was cancelled. I’m afraid of getting Covid - seems fairly likely -and being in isolation and unwell while he goes off to have a jolly (see the football etc). And not being able to get to the shops/pharmacy or have anyone to take basic care of me or the kids.

They’re not his kids, if that’s relevant, I’m a widow. He points out I’m not ill yet, which is true. Also relevant - he’s normally a very caring person and fully pulls his weight around the house.

But that he intends to go feels like a bit of a red flag for me. What do you think please?

OP posts:

TedMullins · 17/03/2022 13:28

Well done for taking the comments on board. You are being U to think he should stay but you know that now. Is there a deeper insecurity behind this?

HaggisBurger · 17/03/2022 13:30

What is it with these threads and grown women behaving as if they can not cope with being mildly ill and looking after themselves and their kids. When it’s in relation to a partner of 18 months the mind boggles even more. And the trip described as a “jolly”. Get a grip woman.

HaggisBurger · 17/03/2022 13:32

But well done as others have said for getting said grip. And IABU for not FTFT … 😉

nitsandwormsdodger · 17/03/2022 13:34

We managed not to pass it on in our house I was a maniac with anti bac wipes
the two infected people wore masks wafted the door every half hour window open a crack and I’d encourage your kids to stay in their rooms as much as possible, presumably you’re x3 vaxed so it’s a cold flu fir 2 days

Original poster

MaeveWiley · 17/03/2022 14:27

A bit of back story - it’s not a drip feed. It’s just that I’m categorically not a person who can’t deal with minor illness. Before my husband died (at 41) of lung cancer I cared for him in every way I could (meds, injections, nasal gastric tube feeding, doctors and hospital and nurse appointments, assisting with stroke recovery therapy, I could go on).

I’ve seen and coped with illness. I’ve seen and coped with death.

But, it’s left me fearful of my own health, and probably also of abandonment.

But I also accept in this instance that I was in the wrong, my lovely DP who I’m lucky to have will go and I will be happy.

OP posts:

MermaidEyes · 17/03/2022 14:29

That's perfectly understandable. A very close friend of mine died recently in her early 40s and its definitely left dh and I thinking much more seriously about our own health and mortality.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 17/03/2022 14:29

@MaeveWiley

I’ve seen and coped with illness. I’ve seen and coped with death.

But, it’s left me fearful of my own health, and probably also of abandonment.

But I also accept in this instance that I was in the wrong, my lovely DP who I’m lucky to have will go and I will be happy.

That's tough op, I'm sorry you've been through so much. It's understandable you have these anxieties. But, I am glad you're able to see why your expectations of DP are unreasonable and are have accepted that graciously. I really hope you heal moving forward and these issues have less of an impact on your life, you deserve to be happy and healthy, don't let these anxieties control you. Have you had any help from professionals when it comes to things like counselling and so on?

Original poster

MaeveWiley · 17/03/2022 14:34

Thank you - and yes I’m getting professional help from a specialist counsellor. She’s great. And I’m determined to get and be as mentally well as I can.

OP posts:

Ducksurprise · 17/03/2022 14:38

That back story is relevant, I've seen it often, when faced with the horror of illness it is easy to catastophise. So although you are being unreasonable I see it in a different light. Sorry about your husband, wish you op a good holiday, stock up on easy food and medicine and the three days will fly.

ravenmum · 17/03/2022 14:57

That must be hard to deal with. Have you told your dp you're feeling anxious, so that he can check up on you a few extra times and make you feel a bit more cared-for?
Is he asking how you are etc.?

2bazookas · 17/03/2022 15:19

You're very selfish and unreasonable. Of course he should go.

Your 12 yr old is old enough to go to the pharmacy, get shopping, make simple meals.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 17/03/2022 21:09

@2bazookas

You're very selfish and unreasonable. Of course he should go.

Your 12 yr old is old enough to go to the pharmacy, get shopping, make simple meals.

Sorry what now?

Kipperandarthur · 17/03/2022 23:45

I’m glad you have seen sense with this and hopefully this thread has helped you.

I can understand your fear of being ill from what you have experienced and hopefully you will continue to heal with your counselling You’ve obviously been through a very gruelling experience which has left its mark.

But it sounds as though you have a lovely partner and I’m glad that you can see from here that they aren’t doing anything wrong in their wanting to travel at this time

me4real · 17/03/2022 23:57

If you get covid, assuming you don't have a severe condition (I have asthma but it's well controlled for instance, so probably wouldn't effect it much) your symptoms are likely to be like those of a bad cold.

Your partner needn't cancel a trip to see family he hasn't been able to see for months, because you have the potential to possibly have a runny nose or a bit of a cough.

Nowadays it's fairly easy for most people to get essentials delivered. I'm not earning for life due to disability but I can afford to do that when needed.

me4real · 18/03/2022 00:01

@PaddleBoardingMomma I'm not a parent but you don't think a 12 year old can pick up a few things from a shop? But nowadays there are a lot of delivery services anyway.

I don't know about making meals, that'd depend what they're used to. I suppose they could definitely do something like beans on toast at least. I never cooked as a child/teenager, but in other families I knew the children often cooked.

BadLad · 18/03/2022 08:21

@2bazookas

You're very selfish and unreasonable. Of course he should go.

Your 12 yr old is old enough to go to the pharmacy, get shopping, make simple meals.

I'd hide the thread now if I were you, OP.

You've accepted that you were unreasonable, but you'll still get people telling you off, as if you were stubbornly still arguing the point.

saraclara · 18/03/2022 08:49

Well done for taking the responses on board, OP.
Hopefully if you do have it, it will be mild. And yes, your 12 year old will probably rise to the occasion of you let them.

I also hope that your partner has a lovely time.

liveforsummer · 18/03/2022 17:26

Of course he sound go. I'd not even expect a father of dc to cancel in these circumstances. Your 9 and 12 year old can take basking care of themselves and you. You can order shopping via Deliveroo etc

bluedodecagon · 18/03/2022 18:28

There’s a weird tone of these kinds of posts.

This is the third post this week up from a widow who seems to be suggesting that because they are a widow, they have to be catered to and taken care of in a way that seems codependent and controlling.

Like, your partner is not allowed to see his parents because you are a widow? And the other woman who required all her holidays paid for. And the other woman, the removal of her step-children.

I’m beginning to think this is just another thing controlling people use to manipulate their partners.

ravenmum · 18/03/2022 18:36

I presumed that OP mentioned she was a widow to explain that there's sadly no dad around any more to take care of the children if she did have any trouble.

How are you feeling anyway Maeve?

Abridget7 · 18/03/2022 19:04

You're the red flag if I was him.

Original poster

MaeveWiley · 20/03/2022 15:00

I’m not a controlling person, and I certainly don’t use being a widow to manipulate people or situations. My DHs death was a forever life altering event for me. It was relevant to this as a) I’m a single parent not a co parent and b) I have significant experience of severe illness -and some health anxiety -as a result of what I’ve been through.

Update anyway. DP has Covid. I have Covid. DP trip rescheduled for three weeks time, when he will go.

I won’t be posting on Mumsnet again - and not because I can’t stand the heat. But because I think it’s better to ask the view of people in real life who can have more of a whole picture of me.

Thanks to you all anyway

OP posts:

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 15:05

Fair play to you OP for seeing things from a different perspective and holding your hands up, and really great news that you're already engaging with a therapist. I think given everything you weren't being controlling, hope you're all feeling better soon.

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