"Lasting happiness only comes from within"

[treasure47]

I read this tonight and although it's nothing groundbreaking or that I haven't heard before, it really resonated with me (hasn't been the best day!):

"No one outside ourselves can “make us” happy, at least not for long. Lasting happiness only comes from within, and only from being fully and authentically present with ourselves."

I definitely know I rely too much on other people "making" me happy and that I'm not always present.
Is anyone else like this? Or if you are fully and authentically present with yourself, how did you get there?

Interesting topic OP..watching with interest..

I recognised I was in a negative pattern of relationships and friendships not fulfilling what I wanted from them and feeling distressed about it. I read a lot on variously topics (self help, meditation, Buddhism, fiction) and learned how to meditate.

There's a great book called "The 7 pillars of self esteem" which helped me immensely.

You have to practice and put some effort in. And try and be self aware.

@Jennifer2r

I recognised I was in a negative pattern of relationships and friendships not fulfilling what I wanted from them and feeling distressed about it. I read a lot on variously topics (self help, meditation, Buddhism, fiction) and learned how to meditate.

There's a great book called "The 7 pillars of self esteem" which helped me immensely.

You have to practice and put some effort in. And try and be self aware.

Thank you - I'll look up that book. I definitely need to work on my self esteem. I'm realising that being with someone who I know deep down I don't want to be with in a romantic way anymore (although he hasn't done anything "wrong") is not having a good effect on my self esteem at all. I read something about how to talk to yourself like you were talking to a friend. Most of the things I say to myself I'd never say to a friend! So I liked that. I am so critical of myself and I think it stops me from being my true self in a way. So I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I think it's definitely a journey!

I think a lot is made of 'working on myself', when really, it's not a big, arduous job: we have feelings. We need to listen to them and respond to them appropriately. And that's it.

Feelings are signposts, and if you go where they direct you, you will feel good. Don't disrespect or judge anybody on the way. So, if someone treats you horribly, just say 'I don't like to be treated like that, so I'm leaving', rather than 'You're treating me badly and you have to stop.' This approach takes all the drama out, and leaves you in healthy situations with healthy people.

Spending time 'working on your self esteem' isn't the thing. You can switch it in an instant, right now, and suddenly be a person who respects their feelings (ie, has self respect) It's your choice, at any given moment, whether to make self respecting decisions or not, rather than it being an overall 'mindset' thing. It becomes a mindset when you start making self respecting decisions consecutively for a period of time, but it starts with the next decision you make: are you going to do what you know is good for you, or are you going to over ride that inner feeling?

I'm someone who does always find happiness within, and can be very content and happy in my own company doing my own thing and working on my own goals. Even though I'm in a relationship - I don't rely on my partner for happiness, I just want him to share in it. Obviously if I'm having a tough time or feeling low, I will turn to him for comfort - but even then I rely on myself to lift out of a bad place.

I think the best way to get to this place is by having goals and dreams, hobbies and interests, and working towards making them happen. If you don't, you you're dependent on other people as you have nothing else to focus on. What is important though is that the goals are things that really spark joy, not things you feel expected or obliged to do. That takes some soul searching. What's also important is to be ok with failure or things not working out how you wanted them to- seeing it as just a small step in your lifetime journey rather than the thing that defines you.

Finally, never ever comparing yourself to other - this is a tricky one and I don't know how you ensure it. I personally am content that I'm living my life the way I WANT, so other people's success or highlights reel doesn't bother me. I run my own race at my own speed and while I might get inspired by others, I do not let them impact how I feel about myself.

@Watchkeys

I think a lot is made of 'working on myself', when really, it's not a big, arduous job: we have feelings. We need to listen to them and respond to them appropriately. And that's it.

Feelings are signposts, and if you go where they direct you, you will feel good. Don't disrespect or judge anybody on the way. So, if someone treats you horribly, just say 'I don't like to be treated like that, so I'm leaving', rather than 'You're treating me badly and you have to stop.' This approach takes all the drama out, and leaves you in healthy situations with healthy people.

Spending time 'working on your self esteem' isn't the thing. You can switch it in an instant, right now, and suddenly be a person who respects their feelings (ie, has self respect) It's your choice, at any given moment, whether to make self respecting decisions or not, rather than it being an overall 'mindset' thing. It becomes a mindset when you start making self respecting decisions consecutively for a period of time, but it starts with the next decision you make: are you going to do what you know is good for you, or are you going to over ride that inner feeling?

Very insightful, loved reading this reply. Thank you! How about when the decisions you make will hurt other people? That's difficult to come to terms with.

@phizog

I'm someone who does always find happiness within, and can be very content and happy in my own company doing my own thing and working on my own goals. Even though I'm in a relationship - I don't rely on my partner for happiness, I just want him to share in it. Obviously if I'm having a tough time or feeling low, I will turn to him for comfort - but even then I rely on myself to lift out of a bad place.

I think the best way to get to this place is by having goals and dreams, hobbies and interests, and working towards making them happen. If you don't, you you're dependent on other people as you have nothing else to focus on. What is important though is that the goals are things that really spark joy, not things you feel expected or obliged to do. That takes some soul searching. What's also important is to be ok with failure or things not working out how you wanted them to- seeing it as just a small step in your lifetime journey rather than the thing that defines you.

Finally, never ever comparing yourself to other - this is a tricky one and I don't know how you ensure it. I personally am content that I'm living my life the way I WANT, so other people's success or highlights reel doesn't bother me. I run my own race at my own speed and while I might get inspired by others, I do not let them impact how I feel about myself.

Goals, dreams, hobbies, interests is always something I've struggled with tbh or not made enough time for or something. I realise I focus too much energy on other things that in the grand scheme of things, aren't important (although contribute to my happiness I suppose - like a tidy house 😅) Another great reply, thank you! What do you think made you that way? Your upbringing? Or have you just always been like it?

It is hard to come to terms with, yes. But I tend to see feelings as being like the weather. We can't really do anything to change them, they're the natural part of us. If we could change what we felt, we'd all love/not love the right people, we'd all choose not to like cake and to love the gym. We'd love the cold windy rain as much as we love the sunshine. But we can't choose those things; they are the definition of our nature, along with all our other feelings.

So yes, there are sometimes things we need to share with people that will hurt them, but that can't be helped any more than sometimes you have to go out in the rain and get wet. All we can do is take care of the patterns in our lives so that we minimise the hurtful stuff; so, we don't stay in a relationship and let the other person get invested, when we know it's not going to work, for example.

And when we need to tell people difficult stuff, we can do it kindly. Nobody can expect us to do more than that. Do it by saying 'I feel' rather than referring to them about how they are/what they do. Do it calmly. Do it at the appropriate time.

@Watchkeys

"I think a lot is made of 'working on myself', when really, it's not a big, arduous job: we have feelings. We need to listen to them and respond to them appropriately. And that's it.

Feelings are signposts, and if you go where they direct you, you will feel good. Don't disrespect or judge anybody on the way. So, if someone treats you horribly, just say 'I don't like to be treated like that, so I'm leaving', rather than 'You're treating me badly and you have to stop.' This approach takes all the drama out, and leaves you in healthy situations with healthy people.

Spending time 'working on your self esteem' isn't the thing. You can switch it in an instant, right now, and suddenly be a person who respects their feelings (ie, has self respect) It's your choice, at any given moment, whether to make self respecting decisions or not, rather than it being an overall 'mindset' thing. It becomes a mindset when you start making self respecting decisions consecutively for a period of time, but it starts with the next decision you make: are you going to do what you know is good for you, or are you going to over ride that inner feeling?"

Wow, what an incredible arrogant,idiotic post.
Those people suffering from depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts must be really stupid!
Why don't they just listen to their feelings! Idiots!

"it's not a big, arduous job"
Maybe if you grew up in a healthy family environment with well balanced parents then changing minor issues might be easy.
If you grew up with disturbed, deranged, narcissistic, cruel, sadistic fucking parents like many of us did then it is a fucking arduous job to change our beliefs.

Why do people keep re-creating shit relationships if it was so easy to change.
For most people whose belief systems were created at infancy it can take many years, even decades to change.
Obviously there is a huge spectrum but please don't assume it's easy for other people.

@FrydianSlip

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time.

I'm 50 and only just making steps towards this. My whole life I've had FOMO, and I'm a huge people pleaser. My relationships have always started out, because 'he liked me' or I made a friend, and regardless if I liked them, they 'liked me' I used to look for validation from my partners, which meant I went through a stage of having toxic partners and 2x abusive husbands. I'm now with someone who I genuinely like which has made a massive difference. I've also lived alone for 10 years and learnt to enjoy my own company. I think now because I'm a little older, and know I'll be fine on my own, and my relationship is good, I'm starting to stop seeing people who don't add to my life. People who I've kept in contact with due to FOMO, or thinking I need lots of friends, I'm starting to let go of. It's kind of liberating and for once I'm starting to feel 'contented. I've also made huge steps towards not worrying about what people think of me, this has helped me

@Watchkeys I loved your post, very insightful and nice to see your calm response to @FrydianSlip too.

I realised there's nothing shameful or unambitious about being content with what you have. Lockdown made me realise I love pottering about at home with my pets and my plants. We're all taught to constantly strive for the next promotion or new iPhone or whatever but actually being content with what you've got is the secret to happiness I reckon.

'Lasting Happiness only comes from within'

Only recently, have I come to understand this and thanks to therapy, this realisation has been transformational.

As a child trauma survivor of both physical abuse and emotional neglect from my parents, this has not been an easy journey and I have been carrying a barrel full of shame. At nearly 50, it has only just dawned on me that I haven't been kind to myself (through no fault of my own). At last I am beginning to consider what I want a bit more, I'm taking better care of myself - both physically and emotionally, I am listening to myself more. It is work in progress but I feel so much more happier.

Yes, another thing that has helped is pursuing some interests and hobbies that keep me absorbed. Phizog has written a very insightful post and I am working very much along these lines now whereas before I couldn't recognise what it was that I wanted. Also the comparison thing, this really resonates and was something I was doing a lot.

For a while I have kept a gratitude journal of sometimes small things which helped me determine my likes and strengthen my sense of identity - simple things like favourite clothes and foods etc...by taking photographs and printing them I devloped a small version of a mood board.

I also realised that I am a human being and not a human doing. I no longer feel a failure for 'not achieving' - big back story there. At last, I am pursuing something which is likely going to be low paid but intrinsically rewarding and flexible (my own small business) and I feel like I'm finding the right path for me after all these years of pleasing others.

Whilst I enjoy having deep and meaningful conversations with friends, I no longer lean on them so much. Previously, I would worry who would like me...now I choose (carefully) who I would like to spend my precious time with (my life is so much more fuller now).

This is a really interesting post op. Watching with interest.

Sorry for the epic post!

@Watchkeys

It is hard to come to terms with, yes. But I tend to see feelings as being like the weather. We can't really do anything to change them, they're the natural part of us. If we could change what we felt, we'd all love/not love the right people, we'd all choose not to like cake and to love the gym. We'd love the cold windy rain as much as we love the sunshine. But we can't choose those things; they are the definition of our nature, along with all our other feelings.

So yes, there are sometimes things we need to share with people that will hurt them, but that can't be helped any more than sometimes you have to go out in the rain and get wet. All we can do is take care of the patterns in our lives so that we minimise the hurtful stuff; so, we don't stay in a relationship and let the other person get invested, when we know it's not going to work, for example.

And when we need to tell people difficult stuff, we can do it kindly. Nobody can expect us to do more than that. Do it by saying 'I feel' rather than referring to them about how they are/what they do. Do it calmly. Do it at the appropriate time.

Very insightful again and definitely true that you can't change your feelings. You can ignore them, downplay them, pretend they're not there but you ultimately can't change them. I'm realising I've done that a lot - tried to block out negative feelings because I haven't wanted to feel them. But I should have been feeling them and listening to what I was trying to tell myself! Now I'm at a crossroads whereby I either recognise this and make a huge drastic change, or continue down the same path.

@2DogsOnMySofa

I'm 50 and only just making steps towards this. My whole life I've had FOMO, and I'm a huge people pleaser. My relationships have always started out, because 'he liked me' or I made a friend, and regardless if I liked them, they 'liked me' I used to look for validation from my partners, which meant I went through a stage of having toxic partners and 2x abusive husbands. I'm now with someone who I genuinely like which has made a massive difference. I've also lived alone for 10 years and learnt to enjoy my own company. I think now because I'm a little older, and know I'll be fine on my own, and my relationship is good, I'm starting to stop seeing people who don't add to my life. People who I've kept in contact with due to FOMO, or thinking I need lots of friends, I'm starting to let go of. It's kind of liberating and for once I'm starting to feel 'contented. I've also made huge steps towards not worrying about what people think of me, this has helped me

All sounds great, good for you! People pleasing is definitely something I do too, and FOMO! It's so hard not to think that everyone else is living a better life than you but I've recently changed my thoughts around that and it does make a huge difference!

@Culpeperscompleteherbal

'Lasting Happiness only comes from within'

Only recently, have I come to understand this and thanks to therapy, this realisation has been transformational.

As a child trauma survivor of both physical abuse and emotional neglect from my parents, this has not been an easy journey and I have been carrying a barrel full of shame. At nearly 50, it has only just dawned on me that I haven't been kind to myself (through no fault of my own). At last I am beginning to consider what I want a bit more, I'm taking better care of myself - both physically and emotionally, I am listening to myself more. It is work in progress but I feel so much more happier.

Yes, another thing that has helped is pursuing some interests and hobbies that keep me absorbed. Phizog has written a very insightful post and I am working very much along these lines now whereas before I couldn't recognise what it was that I wanted. Also the comparison thing, this really resonates and was something I was doing a lot.

For a while I have kept a gratitude journal of sometimes small things which helped me determine my likes and strengthen my sense of identity - simple things like favourite clothes and foods etc...by taking photographs and printing them I devloped a small version of a mood board.

I also realised that I am a human being and not a human doing. I no longer feel a failure for 'not achieving' - big back story there. At last, I am pursuing something which is likely going to be low paid but intrinsically rewarding and flexible (my own small business) and I feel like I'm finding the right path for me after all these years of pleasing others.

Whilst I enjoy having deep and meaningful conversations with friends, I no longer lean on them so much. Previously, I would worry who would like me...now I choose (carefully) who I would like to spend my precious time with (my life is so much more fuller now).

This is a really interesting post op. Watching with interest.

Sounds great! The thing about failure is a good point. I'm terrible at beating myself up about any little failure, even when it's not particularly a failure! And I'd never say something like that to a friend or think anything negatively because of it if it happened to them. "Failures" are lessons!

I love the idea of a gratitude journal. I've been thinking about starting one for a while. I think I will 😊

I would agree with this overall. I've got to the point where I am mostly content with being single and know what kind of people I want in my life.

Unfortunately I can't cut all the annoying ones out of my life.

What do you think made you that way? Your upbringing? Or have you just always been like it?

Hmmm good question. Not really sure tbh! My parents say I was always a very sunny/happy baby and child so maybe some of it is just 'born with it'. I must get the rest from my dad as he is always very cheerful and an optimist despite facing some big knocks in life. I was always an outsider growing up so very comfortable entertaining myself - maybe that helped because it forced me at a young age to be my own best friend and not rely on others for happiness.

You glow differently when you give yourself the love you used to seek from others!!

@phizog

What do you think made you that way? Your upbringing? Or have you just always been like it?

Hmmm good question. Not really sure tbh! My parents say I was always a very sunny/happy baby and child so maybe some of it is just 'born with it'. I must get the rest from my dad as he is always very cheerful and an optimist despite facing some big knocks in life. I was always an outsider growing up so very comfortable entertaining myself - maybe that helped because it forced me at a young age to be my own best friend and not rely on others for happiness.

Your dad sounds great! Did you have siblings?

@phizog

What do you think made you that way? Your upbringing? Or have you just always been like it?

Hmmm good question. Not really sure tbh! My parents say I was always a very sunny/happy baby and child so maybe some of it is just 'born with it'. I must get the rest from my dad as he is always very cheerful and an optimist despite facing some big knocks in life. I was always an outsider growing up so very comfortable entertaining myself - maybe that helped because it forced me at a young age to be my own best friend and not rely on others for happiness.

Do you have siblings I mean 😅

@Mysticguru

You glow differently when you give yourself the love you used to seek from others!!

Love this!!

l would never have really understood this truth had it not been for the circumstances l found myself in. It has changed my whole perception, life is so much lighter now, some call it the spiritual path, the returning home to yourself, all l know is that once you become aware you can never go back, nor would you want to. Its not so much learning new things, its the unlearning of the conditioned mind. It is very empowering and freeing.
" Not one drop of my self worth depends on your acceptance of me"
So much time and energy wasted looking outside for answers that were there all along.
" From the top of the sky
to the bottom off the sea
I will hold my own hand
l will not abandon me. "