"Lasting happiness only comes from within"

[treasure47]

I read this tonight and although it's nothing groundbreaking or that I haven't heard before, it really resonated with me (hasn't been the best day!):

"No one outside ourselves can “make us” happy, at least not for long. Lasting happiness only comes from within, and only from being fully and authentically present with ourselves."

I definitely know I rely too much on other people "making" me happy and that I'm not always present.
Is anyone else like this? Or if you are fully and authentically present with yourself, how did you get there?

I agree with the statement and have worked hard to make it true. I stopped wanting my parents to notice me because they never did, and almost overnight my long term depression went into remission. I stopped wanting my autistic DH (who really is lovely) to be emotionally aware because he just isn't, or to be sociable, and sought emotional availability and sociability from friends and a family member instead. Now I appreciate Dh for all that he is (reliable, kind, family-focused, trustworthy, funny, interesting) and even manage to appreciate my parents for what they are (gregarious, lively) instead of aching with longing for them all to provide for my needs.

If I want excitement, I set my own goals. If I want money, I earn my own. If I feel unloved, I start by treating myself with love (which I learned WAY too late in life and it's my mission to share the news - love yourself, not in a selfish, self-obsessed way but in a kindly, compassionate, nurturing way, looking out for people who treat you with kindness and respect, setting up boundaries so you are not too exhausted or used by others at work, home, socially etc. These changes lead to deep happiness that underpins even the bad times.

Amen to everything you have said @gingerhills! Letting go of any expectations of other people and actively seeking self fulfilment is life changing. Therapy, yoga, meditation, self improvement, self care, hobbies, interests, saying no, avoiding dysfunctional people and situations = contentment.

@Moonface123

This ONE has it. :)

Re-read it OP

[quote 2DogsOnMySofa]**@Watchkeys* I loved your post, very insightful and nice to see your calm response to @FrydianSlip* too. [/quote]
@2DogsInMySofa I thought exactly the same, on both accounts.

I think for me it is often hard to identify what I want. Not what I need to do, not what my DD wants or my dog or my family or my boyfriend. What is it that I want. What do I want in this moment, for my free time, longer term…. It’s tricky sometimes to hear my inner voice. The world is so much nicer when I take time to listen though. I’m a big fan of a bit of yoga… gives my head the space it needs to find what I want.

It's enough to ensure that we avoid doing things that we don't want to do, @XmasElf10, and that can be a good starting point in training ourselves to listen. The 'no' signal is strong, and takes an effort to ignore, but less effort to hear. It's useful to listen to the internal 'no', because it doesn't explain itself, so we get the feeling of listening to feelings rather than logic/thoughts.

I know what you mean though. So many conflicting choices and so many variables.

Come across this today OP. It will help if you understand it!!

Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.

Ram Dass

@Moonface123

l would never have really understood this truth had it not been for the circumstances l found myself in. It has changed my whole perception, life is so much lighter now, some call it the spiritual path, the returning home to yourself, all l know is that once you become aware you can never go back, nor would you want to. Its not so much learning new things, its the unlearning of the conditioned mind. It is very empowering and freeing. " Not one drop of my self worth depends on your acceptance of me" So much time and energy wasted looking outside for answers that were there all along. " From the top of the sky to the bottom off the sea I will hold my own hand l will not abandon me. "

Love this! Very empowering!

@Mysticguru

Come across this today OP. It will help if you understand it!!

Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.

Ram Dass

I feel like I can identify with that as at times I have felt like the actor!

I completely agree.

I mean obviously it comes from within, but also people should reach out for any help they need.

Meds and therapy are how I got to be Me4real @treasure47, along with having enough people hurt me that I'm not so obsessed with trying to make people like me anymore. Lockdown actually helped as I enjoyed my own company (carried on doing therapy and Freedom Programme etc via Zoom.)

Of course circumstances can make it more difficult to be happy, but you can with enough help or if you're a natural, go into a stressful situation thinking I can handle it. Of course, if you can't handle a sittuation then reach out for any help you can.

I got into religion recently too, and I'm sure religion/spiritually can help if someone treats them the right way (not as a tool to beat yourself up with, but as kind of therapeutic.)

Also, strength training or other exercise/activity.

Oh and a lot of the ethos and advice of those on Mumsnet has helped me.

@Mysticguru

Come across this today OP. It will help if you understand it!!

Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.

Ram Dass

I don't really understand that one. It seems to imply we should be passive not active and yet we all know that taking active steps to improve our situation leads to greater happiness, so I can't be interpreting it correctly.

Please would you explain it, Mystic

The actor is the programmed and conditioned egoic identity that you believe you are. The One that watches the actor is not.

Believing that one should be active is yet another egoic habitual behaviour brought about by the conditioning.

Find out what it is that watches the play!!

I am mostly there now, though obviously there can always be some external challenges to be navigated!

How did I get here, A regular yoga and meditation practice & stopping and listening to the voice that was always there, that is in all of us, if we are brave enough to listen!

I'm a huge Jeff Foster fan, always find a suitable poem/quote when I am struggling!.. “Leave everything undefined, including yourself. Befriend uncertainty. Fall in love with mystery. Kneel at the altar of not knowing. Give your questions time to breathe. The answers will find you.”

Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.

@treasure47 I'm not an expert on Ram Dass or anything, but some things I've somewhat learned work like this:-

You take a step back and view what's really happening, also take a breath. You try and see with objective eyes what's going on, rather than through your rose tinted glasses, your emotions, or your baggage, your impulses.

Then at that point you can see what is the evidence for what you are believing about the situation?

And given that, what action or outcome do you consider appropriate?

For me, I can't easily respond in the moment due to never being taught how to handle a confrontation.

So probably I would get back to the person via messenger or email later (often easier for me personally) or get back to them at a later date.

Or just continue to observe what they do/what's happening and gather more information to inform my decision making.

It could also relate to the classic 'what advice would you give to a friend who was experiencing this?'

@Watchkeys

I think a lot is made of 'working on myself', when really, it's not a big, arduous job: we have feelings. We need to listen to them and respond to them appropriately. And that's it.

Feelings are signposts, and if you go where they direct you, you will feel good. Don't disrespect or judge anybody on the way. So, if someone treats you horribly, just say 'I don't like to be treated like that, so I'm leaving', rather than 'You're treating me badly and you have to stop.' This approach takes all the drama out, and leaves you in healthy situations with healthy people.

Spending time 'working on your self esteem' isn't the thing. You can switch it in an instant, right now, and suddenly be a person who respects their feelings (ie, has self respect) It's your choice, at any given moment, whether to make self respecting decisions or not, rather than it being an overall 'mindset' thing. It becomes a mindset when you start making self respecting decisions consecutively for a period of time, but it starts with the next decision you make: are you going to do what you know is good for you, or are you going to over ride that inner feeling?

I've actually just screenshot as it's so insightful and useful to me. I've just come out of a relationship where I ignored alot of things and lost myself a little . Coming out the other side now and reading this has been great.