Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you loan money to your partner

71 replies

concreteisugly · 16/03/2022 10:23

Of 18 months ? I can afford to and I don't need the money at the moment. He has had an unexpected but vital and necessary reason to need £3k.
He will repay over a long period, A year or two , and it is me who is thinking of offering as he has some savings but will need these for emergency funds.
Using his savings will mean that he would not have much to fall back on if there was any major acute financial outgoing.

I don't earn on my savings and it is a way of putting away secret savings and not declaring them in divorce .

I trust him to repay, without question.

OP posts:

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 10:47

[quote concreteisugly]@AnneLovesGilbert I don't think it's stupid as it happens. I'm thinking of offering a loan to my partner who may well refuse, where it is in my best interests also.
I can afford to lose it but not to a money hungry, grabby, cock lodging , free loading exh.[/quote]

There is not a situation where giving a man £3k is in your best interests

DetailMouse · 16/03/2022 10:47

Can you imagine a woman posting?

"My lovely new man wants to hide some money from his ex, to avoid paying out in their divorce, by lending it to me. We'll have a formal repayment plan over 1-2 years..."

Original poster

concreteisugly · 16/03/2022 10:48

He knows nothing of my financial
Situation fwiw.
This is a thought that I have.
Judging in replies and experience though, there seems to be more negatives to this than positives.
On a genuine note, Im really surprised that more posters don't think that loaning a partner money is a normal part of a trusting and mutual relationship, when it could ease a burden and provide longer term security.

OP posts:

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 10:49

On a genuine note, Im really surprised that more posters don't think that loaning a partner money is a normal part of a trusting and mutual relationship, when it could ease a burden and provide longer term security.

Im not attracted to people who need me to ease their burdens.

JauntyJinty · 16/03/2022 10:49

@DoubleGauze

No. You might need your savings soon yourself.

He can use his own.

So let him use his savings for this, and then if another emergency comes up and he can't afford it then think about lending to him

Original poster

concreteisugly · 16/03/2022 10:50

I think I have my answer. Best keep finances completely separate for the time being. Thanks for responding.

OP posts:

FuckThatBullshit · 16/03/2022 10:50

Only lend him the money if you can afford to lose it. You're not talking twenty quid here... even if it's genuine what if (God forbid) something happens to him or he ends up being unable to work etc?? Even genuine people end up in bad situations.

Original poster

concreteisugly · 16/03/2022 10:53

@drawingpad I am attracted to people that support me with my burdens, regardless of what they are and I see reciprocation as being the norm in a mutual loving relationship so we clearly differ and that's ok.

OP posts:

JauntyJinty · 16/03/2022 10:54

Sorry I quted the wron gpost! meant to quote

He can either use his savings and have very little back up or take an interest free loan from me to top up what he needs but will have a contingency fund and it also hides some
Money of mine that I do t want to declare in acrimonious dovorce .

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 10:55

[quote concreteisugly]@drawingpad I am attracted to people that support me with my burdens, regardless of what they are and I see reciprocation as being the norm in a mutual loving relationship so we clearly differ and that's ok.[/quote]

But what is he giving you for the £3k? Unless there is that mutual easing of burdens (I'm sorry you both have these) then it's not attractive, surely? It's just you helping him. I can't even see why you would need to ease the burden of £3k for him when he has enough in savings to do it himself. Are you thinking this will make him stay?

KylieKoKo · 16/03/2022 10:57

Helping your partner out in times of trouble is normal. However, using your partner's savings over your own is not normal and it's a bit of a red flag that he would do this. However, I'd have seen it as a massive red flag if DP had suggested hiding money eifh me so he could fleece his ex wife so maybe you are quite well suited .....

Fruitandnuts · 16/03/2022 11:01

No way.
He could ask family/friends who have known him longer.
I've heard this story before, lend him money, he doesn't keep his agreement to pay back, starts arguments, you are in a power struggle to get your money back. He has a hold over you.

No No No No No do not do it listen to all of us!

ImInStealthMode · 16/03/2022 11:01

If it was a few hundred until payday then I might consider it. If it's £1000s and to be paid back over years (and who knows what might happen in those years) then no.

He has his own savings, he can use those for this unexpected expense.

Original poster

concreteisugly · 16/03/2022 11:01

@drawingpad Absolutely not ! I expect the relationship will work out very well but am
Not naive enough to think that anything can happen. If either of us want to leave the relationship, a loan of money isn't going to change a persons mind surely !
Thanks for all the responses. Overwhelmingly, I read
In your opinions that it's a bad idea and I don't want to wreck what we have. Thanks

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2022 11:11

Gilly12345 · 16/03/2022 11:21

No if he has savings and should use that first and ask a parent before you.

If you do lend him money get a standing order set up to pay back asap.

Original poster

concreteisugly · 16/03/2022 11:34

100% sure. I've never given a man money as a loan or otherwise in my life but I did put my entire inheritance into family finances when married, thinking it would build a better future for our family. I was repaid with a secret year long affair and an exh who believes he deserves half my pension( he has none) and property( family shared) .
I am quite careful and savvy with money. I'm not a fool or a walkover but I did see how I could gain by hiding money pre divorce.
I don't need or want any trouble so don't think I will offer the loan.
I value my relationship more.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 16/03/2022 11:35

So, from what you say, you can afford it and effectively, worst case scenario, if you don't get it back, you've lost £1500 because your ex H would of tried to claim the other half. It's not that bad on the face of it, and if it works out, you will be quids in.
You could almost see it as a test, you've got history with a cock-lodger, so might be with another, but you know him best on that. However, if you loan it, agree a repayment plan, and he sticks to it, all good, you know he's honest and takes pride in himself. If he doesn't pay you back, sketchy with payments, or makes it awkward, you have your answer as to whether he's worth any more of your time and perhaps just another out for what he can get. Promise yourself not to swallow sob stories around repayment, there is a possibility he's giving you a sob story now and waiting for you to offer. I'd be inclined to test the water, it will only come between you if he's dishonest about the loan. He may alternatively turn your offer down, in which case you instantly know he's not a money grabber. Make sure it's a one off though, no further loans until paid off in full and don't increase the size of them with time. Stick to what you can afford to lose, then its minimal risk.

HollowTalk · 16/03/2022 11:39

I can see why you'd want to hide your money from your ex, given what you say, but couldn't you put it in a family member's bank account?

If your partner has savings, he should use them. You've been together a while, but his repayment would take a long time. You have no idea whether you'll still be together then.

Friedel · 16/03/2022 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Fireflygal · 16/03/2022 11:44

18months is still a relatively new relationship and making a loan that needs to be repaid over a few years ties you two together when potentially the relationship might naturally falter.

At this stage in the relationship you shouldn't be his financial support, he's an adult with hopefully a standalone network.

Watch out, as your past and approach to this could indicate you are a rescuer. Rescuers are often "turned on" by their partner so it's not a healthy balance for a relationship.

brainhurts · 16/03/2022 12:15

No , he can use his own savings.Then should another unexpected bill pop up you could offer him then .

WouldIwasShookspeared · 16/03/2022 12:18

"I trust him to repay, without question"

Your acrimonious divorce and desire to hide money has not taught you that nobody can be trusted completely?

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/03/2022 12:19

I would.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 16/03/2022 12:20

Posted too soon.
I'm sure you trusted your soon to be ex without question at one point, otherwise why marry him?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread