Changing childs name

[pinguthepenguin]

I'm posting this on here first, rather than lone parents, as I wanted to gain a wider perspective. Hope thats ok.

I've been running a few threads over the last few weeks regarding my exp leaving when our child was just born. It was (is) still a very painful situation, but I'm working towards trying to deal with the practical aspects of the breakup now.
One of these, is my childs name. Her father and I were not married, although had talked about it. I gave our dd his name when she was born, on the understanding that we would all end up with the same name eventually. He decided to end the relationship literally 2 weeks after we had her registered.

My problem is this: I do not want to go through life with a different surname to my child. I have already been in 2 incidences recently where I had to prove I was her mother ( airport, and hospital). I felt really aggrieved about that and it brought home the reality of the situation. I'm thinking of our future, if I meet soeone else, my dd having a different name to her siblings etc.There are many people who are in this situaiton, and it doesnt bother them- but it bothers me- we are all different I guess.

I know that I cannot legally change her surname without his consent ( he is still involved in childs life), nor would I want to do it like that. I need to make it clear that my reasons behind wanting to change her name are not borne out of spite, revenge, or anything else. I realise he also has the right for his child to share his surname- but I'm the one bringing her up, and so the impact of our different surnames, I imagine, will impact on her and I, more than it would him.

The only option I have is to raise it with him, explain things as I've just done, and hope that he might consent. Things have been pretty bad between us recently, so feel nervous that he may just tell me to get lost, but before I even go there, I want to ask you guys....is this a terrible thing to do?

If you can't face the hassle would you consider adding your surname before his ? This is what my friend has done and it has worked really well. Your don't have to register it or anything - just use it as well.

For example - Katie Hopkins becomes Katie Williams Hopkins, and you are Jane Williams - so the link is clear between you.

scatter, surely I would look like I was trying to cling on to him or something? I kind of want to move on from him, ifswim. That doesnt mean I want our dd to do the same though

I haven't been in your situation, although I have a different surname to my ds as I didn't change my name when I got married. I've never been asked to prove my relationship to him but probably haven't been in the situation to do so, as dh is there as well in an airport or hospital setting. In fact he'd be better off with my surname as every single person I meet says "ooh isn't he like his dad"!

It seems eminently reasonable for practical purposes that you change her surname. Although if you meet someone else, presumably you would give any future kids his surname? Or would you decide to standardise on all having your surname? (Can definitely see some merit in this).

From my perspective, my mum remarried when I was seven, so I've always grown up having a different surname from my mum and step-sibs who I am as close to as siblings. The name doesn't make any difference to me. I'm glad my mum didn't change my surname but was obviously a lot older than your dd at the time!

If things are tricky between you now, I wouldn't raise it as it's likely to inflame the situation. Yes he has left you at a terrible time and yes that was a truly shitty thing to do, but as you say, he is still involved in dd's life, and as time goes on you will find lots of mums in a similar 'names not the same' situation for one reason or another.

If you continue to have regular problems of proving your relationship to dd, I would document them and present them to him dispassionately as a reason to consider it.

That wouldn't help with airport though would it? iirc the ticket has to be the same as the passport, which has to be the same as the birth certificate.

(That was in reply to the 'add your name' suggestion btw, I just took too long to type it)

You don't need his permission to change your dd's name.

If you are worried about it at all, you can double barrell your names, but don't hyphenate them. That way you can drop the first one and just use the second one. I'll try and find a link to the website I used, it tells you how you can avoid problems.

good post tribot, thanku

Yes - but you will have to have his consent to take his name off her - and I thought adding yours might be a good compromise ? It has worked for my friend - mind you her kids are older and wanted to have mum and dad's names.

Don't know about airports/passports etc - she is just getting new ones for her ds so I will ask her what she has done.

you could give your DD your name without his permission - you don't have to do it legally unless you are planning to defraud someone.

Maybe you could do this until you can sort it out legally?

FWIW, I think this is one of the major problems we encounter with this ridiculously outmoded idea that women think they have to change their names when they get married and that children should have their father's name

I've already asked a solicitor about doing it legally, and its out of the question unless he consents. I cant just change it on a whim.
I agree that I could just call her by my surname, but I feel this would be confusing for her in the sense that she will still have his name in an official capacity, and of course both exp and his family would still call her by their name. I'd hate for her to end up with some kind of an identity crisi caused by this!

agree tommy, I was so silly to give him her name, dont really know why I did it. Silly in lurve I guess, and if he had the 'doubts' that he maintained he had about us then, surely he shouldnt have let me give her his name?

If you have sole parental responsibility and the father has frequent contact with your child, there is legal precedence that you should be aware of before you apply to change your child's name.

There have been a few successful legal actions in England where an unmarried father without parental responsibility, has obtained a court order to have his child's change of surname reversed (but not any forename changes). In each case, the mother had changed her child's surname from the father's surname to her surname. The court ordered that the child's surname be changed back to the father's surname. The significant factor taken into account by the courts was that the courts recognised the importance of maintaining a link with the father. By sharing the same surname with the child, the father's biological link is recognised. The courts also took into account the degree of commitment of the father to the child and the quality of contact between the father and child. In these successful cases, there was frequent contact with the child by the father. This does mean, however, that if the father does not have frequent contact with his child, it is highly unlikely that he will be successful in obtaining an order to reverse a change of surname because there is no link to break.

You are therefore advised that if you change your child's surname and the father has frequent contact with your child, he may be able to have the change of name reversed (if he has the inclination, time and money to go through the court process). The only way to eliminate the risk of the change of surname being reversed is to apply to the courts for leave (permission) to change the child's name without the consent of the father.

If the father of your child has frequent contact an option to consider is to double-barrel the surname with your surname i.e. add your surname to the child's surname. By doing this, it much more unlikely that the father will seek a court order to reverse the name change because his name has not been removed and thus the biological link to the father has not been broken. Furthermore, if you do not link the two elements of the surname with a hyphen, you will find in general day-to-day usage, only the child's first name and last name will be used. For example, if your child is known as Rebecca Louise SMITH and you change the surname to SMITH JONES, then in general usage, the child will be called Rebecca JONES (but for all official purposes the name Rebecca Louise SMITH JONES must be declared and used). However, if you hyphenate the surname, the child will always be called Rebecca SMITH-JONES (because the hyphen make the surname one name).

One further point to consider relates to the age of your child. If your child is into their adolescence (about 11 upwards) and the child wants the name change, the chance of the father being successful in obtaining a court order to reverse a surname change is significantly reduced. This is because a judge must act in the best interests of the child and if the child is able to demonstrate that they fully understand the significance of the name change and desire the name change then the judge will take the child's views into account.

Atilla, thanks so much for taking the time to reply, a really great post.

I assume, that because exp's name is on the birth cert and our child has his name, that he has parental responsibility?

I already sought the advice of a sol, so knew there'd be no legal way I could change her name, and that the courts are extremely keen on the maintaining the links between father and child, so generally dont allow name changes willy-nilly.

With reagrds to adding my name to dd's name- how would I go about this? Is it actually a legal process?
As it stands, she has his name on all official documentation incl, pport, child benefit etc. Would that change as well? I'd hope so, because I'd hate for her to have my name only in a non-official sense, i.e, among friends, family etc as it would confuse her as she grows, and from my own pov, the adding of my name, would to a degree, have been a bit pointless.

I'm not actually a fan of double barrelled surnames, find them a bit long-winded (no offence intended guys!), and the combination of both of our names would be a tongue twister for sure.
That said though, its better that her having nothing of my name in hers, and of course I'd get over it.

thanks in advance for your reply

bumping this for a reply to last question.

thanks

pingu, did he come with you to register the birth? If not, I don't think he has PR - info here

This suggests that without PR you could change dd's name without his consent, but I think Attila is right in that there's a legal precedent to challenge that.

Tribpot- he did come, yes.

Hav only read the OP - how about you change your surname by deed poll to the same as that of your daughter? You don't need anyone's permission to do that.

Swede,

Thanks for the reply.

I simply couldn't bring myself to take his name. He was awful to us, and he would interpret this as some lame attempt to hold onto him.

Have you asked xp if he'd mind you changing dds name? If you explain it he might not mind. Maybe!

I feel like thats the only option I have, although tbh, I cant see him agreeing to it, total control freak

My DS1 has my XH surname and my DS2 has same surname as me and my DH.

My DS1 felt left out but he has a brilliant relationship with his father so he wouldn't want to change his surname.

So...with the consent of my wonderful DH, I took my former married name (that which DS1 has), and changed my name by deed poll to add it as a middle name. Therefore I don't have to use it if I don't want to, but it's obvious we're related at hospital visits, airports etc, and my DS1 loves us having the same name. To be honest I only use it for signing his school letters etc and anything to do with him (when I make it look like a double barrel surname). The rest of the time or for anything informal I use just my surname.

It's confusing but everyone is happy this way! Although I think I might drop it when he's an adult.......

Can you add your name to your dd's birth certificate and thus she can have both surnames - when she is older she can pick which she prefers if either? Even if you have get her passport and so on, amended to add the extra name, it might sidestep the issue of 'dropping' one name since I can see that this might cause more tension you want to avoid at the mo. Then you wouldn't have to take his name but you have proved your relationship.

FWIW, loads of parents at my dd's school have different surnames to their children so it's not an uncommmon event .

Emmajw

Thanks for reply. That was a lovely thing you did, although tbh, I dont think I could face giving myself the name of a man who treated us the way he did. I'd rather add my own name to DD's, as some have suggested on here. What I'd like to know though, is whether this can be done legally, i.e, change her p.port and other docs? I'd prefer it to be done offically, rather than for it to be just done on an informal basis iyswim.

Do you know how its done?

I imagine you will need his consent to add your name since it is 'changing' the name but if yu explain it's purely to make life easier, fingers crossed he'll consent.

If/when you get the BC amended, you can then send it off to the Passport office to get a new passport. Just off to have a look on how to amend a name.

this may help