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Original poster

Moving into partners home where he lived with ex wife

34 replies

suchatwat · 15/03/2022 22:31

Hi, as the above , have been with partner2.5 years , I have my own mortgage free flat in a different city, his house is bigger. Originally we were going to sell both properties and get our own place, started looking , he then said why don’t we just live at his place and rent my place out. Part of me agrees to this, much less hassle for all involved, but the other part is it doesn’t feel like my place :-/ what are your options ladies ? X

OP posts:
bettycat81 · 15/03/2022 22:38

Could you make it feel like your place? Re decorate, ask DP to have a huge sort out/clearance.

If not, and that's perfectly OK, then buy somewhere else.

Justkeepmoving020122 · 15/03/2022 22:41

I did this. It was weird at first but then we completely gutted and decorated the whole house together, bought new furniture and pretty much everything else right down to cutlery. That's when it stopped being his family home and became our home.

BlackishTulips · 15/03/2022 22:43

Sounds like an intermediate stage before you completely pool your finances?
See if it works living together. Good idea to try before you buy. Try and see it like that. If he can make space for you it will be very affirming.

Spitspatspot · 15/03/2022 22:52

I moved into my ex’s marital house - we did redecorate here and there but he never really made a proper effort to make space for my things and it never felt like home.
If your OH is up for a total clear out and some changes then that could be different - maybe try it and see, then move when and if you start a family?

Ivyonafence · 15/03/2022 22:56

I wouldn't do this. It would always feel more his home than yours. And the idea of replacing perfectly good furniture etc for the sake of it sounds really wasteful to me.

I think if you're serious then a genuine fresh start in a new home that is equally yours is the way to go.

Are you getting married? Are you combining finances? It could get messy if yours is a rental and his is the home. Will you be expected to pay in to his house when it needs repairs etc?

Also do you like the house? Is it what you would have chosen?

SunflowerTed · 15/03/2022 23:00

I felt like you when I first moved into my now husbands house - it takes a while but redecorating and then marrying I don’t even think about it being his - feels like ours (esp. as I’m contributing to everything) x

MingeofDeath · 16/03/2022 06:44

Dont sell your flat.

OhMygodddd · 16/03/2022 06:47

Sounds perfect, don’t sell the flat.
Put your stamp on the house to make it your home too.

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 16/03/2022 07:08

I moved into my dh’s home, without any complicating ex to contend with and it took years to feel like it was my house as much as his.

2DogsOnMySofa · 16/03/2022 07:36

I did this and also had two dc, lived happily there for 14 years. I made lots of changes but in all honesty, it was never 'my' house. I'd never have chosen it. But it served a purpose and when We moved, we bought a house that I chose and that I love. Financially it was also a good call.

Footballsundays6777 · 16/03/2022 07:43

Same as @2DogsOnMySofa I moved into it 11 years ago.. have had two DC there. Never felt like my home home really tho… even tho he and ex only lived there for 2 years. It’s more as it’s not a style of house I would have picked nor in an area I would have picked. We are looking to move in 18/24 months tho… can’t wait to pick a house we both love

Ivyonafence · 16/03/2022 07:46

What is the plan for the rental income? Is he expecting a share of income from your property? Is he expecting rent or a contribution from you for living in his property? If you do redecorate or improve the property, then will you pay for this even though he will have the financial benefit from improvements to his property?

Baaaa · 16/03/2022 07:47

Hmm I can see why it bothers you. I would agree to give it a go for up to a year and then decide. Keep your flat if you can

aSofaNearYou · 16/03/2022 07:53

Beyond possibly short term to trial living together, I would not agree to this. I would simply tell him it would make me uncomfortable and I want to continue with the plan to buy together. He needs to be able to respect that, so set your boundaries out now. If he doesn't get it I would see it as a red flag.

RantyAunty · 16/03/2022 07:56

It depends on what future plans you have together.
Marriage? Children? Existing children? Work?

Byeeefornow · 16/03/2022 07:56

I wouldn’t like it but a friend did it from day one and has been perfectly happy.

gannett · 16/03/2022 07:56

Having just gone through the house-buying process - it's not something anyone should subject themselves to unless they have to.

It'll take a little time but you can make an existing house feel like "your" place. But less hassle - especially the hassle of putting two properties on the market and finding a new one that ticks all the boxes - is priceless.

Tbh any time we move into a new place there's always some time when it doesn't feel "ours" yet. I've moved into new houseshares, into DP's flat which he'd had with flatmates, into a new house that was previously a family home. It always feels like it belongs more to the previous residents until you start getting used to it, putting your things in it, decorating it and rearranging it to how it suits you. You feel it's more complicated because the person who used to be there is his ex but it's really the same thing. Imagine she was just a flatmate - her "stamp" would still be there at first, naturally, but you'd probably find it easier to brush off.

TristesseDurera · 16/03/2022 07:59

I would not do this. I stayed overnight occasionally at my now husband's in the flat he had previously shared with his ex wife and it was not a pleasant experience.

EIisheva · 16/03/2022 08:03

Your priority is your financial security and you should keep your flat and spreadsheet every improvement you pay for to his home.
Re evaluate later

Good luck

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 16/03/2022 08:06

Are there any existing children?

We moved into my mums partners home when me and DSis were teens. It felt weird and we didn't stay long! He eventually sold up (we were in rented) and they bought a house together.

The worst bit was when step dads son came to live with us as he didn't want to live with his mum anymore.

He was 13 at the time and used to get up in the night and move all the cupboards around! Then when my DM would ask why he would say "this is my mums kitchen and this is where she puts things..."

He hated my mum even though it was his mum who had an affair and my DM didn't meet now DH until 2 years later.

He's calmed now though and their relationship is a lot better.

I think trial it but don't sell your own property until you are 100% sure it will work!

Original poster
suchatwat · 16/03/2022 10:16

Thanks for all your replies. I am 60 and he is 57 so no young children involved, I have also just left my job to live in his city and now actively seeking new employment.
I don’t think I would have chosen this house to live it as it’s quite old fashioned (except for the kitchen) and not really keen on his furniture:-/ to be honest I feel like I am playing living there and it’s not real or mine, if that makes sense.
I will keep my flat for the time being and see how things pan out

OP posts:
crimesagainstwine · 16/03/2022 10:29

@suchatwat

I don’t think I would have chosen this house to live it as it’s quite old fashioned (except for the kitchen) and not really keen on his furniture:-/ to be honest I feel like I am playing living there and it’s not real or mine, if that makes sense.

I was like this OP when I moved in with DP (later DH) - his ex had left three years earlier but still felt her style/taste over place and he hadn't changed anything as had three kids living at home and doesn't really have a flare for decorating/style.

We decided a fresh start was best for all of us (kids included) and made own stamp on our family home. We did this with DSC agreement too as the house had memories but 30 years later I can say was best decision we made.

Squeezyhug · 16/03/2022 10:43

I would keep your flat and move in with him but don’t do anything to his house for the time being apart from a clear out.

I’d suggest to trial living with him first.

Give a share of utilities/ council tax / food bills etc.
Is his place mortgage free ?
How much of your flat rental will you pay him?

sunshinesupermum · 16/03/2022 11:13

I did this - my partner was widowed before I moved in and it did feel very weird for quite a time but the flat was very much his IYSWIM as he is a collector of stuff like toy trains, books, musical instruments etc. I still have my own home so we do spend some time apart although less since the pandemic began and have been living in my home since. Like you OP our homes are in different cities but we are both in our early 70s and mortgage free so although the rent of my place would be very useful we would rather have the option of both homes and therefore quite a lot less money in our budget.

He refused to move into a joint home as he has lived in his for almost 50 years! I have quite a bit of my stuff there but it's never felt like home to me and I am glad the past two years have been spent in mine (where he also has some of his own stuff).

Original poster
suchatwat · 16/03/2022 12:23

I wasn’t really planning on renting out my flat as it is fully furnished plus it’s somewhere for us to stay when we visit. I have no mortgage just running costs of £300 per month. He earns 5 x my wage and doesn’t want any financial help towards his house, although I plan to set up an account and transfer cash every month that will go towards solicitors estate agent etc if/when we move

OP posts: