Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have done it

33 replies

silkypancakes · 15/03/2022 20:23

I have been obsessively reading this board as I have been in an abusive marriage and really crumbling inside and physically from the stress of it all. Well, I finally sat and said we are over and - though there are things to sort out - I have emotionally disconnected and know I won't agree to stay in the marriage again now. I'm done.

I'm posting this in case it inspires anyone. I'm middle aged with two kids, and an unmade plan but anything is better than that.

You can do it.

OP posts:
Carolined8338 · 15/03/2022 20:31

Hi how did it make you feel

Carolined8338 · 15/03/2022 20:34

I am 48 with 4 child and I am thinking the same

Lurking9to5 · 15/03/2022 20:36

Well done. xx

HollowTalk · 15/03/2022 20:38

That's great. Your future is much brighter without him 💐

Cerealnamechangerer · 15/03/2022 20:41

Well done!

Original poster
silkypancakes · 15/03/2022 20:43

@Carolined8338 It made me feel a huge sense of emotional relief and almost a panic to be out from under his spell. I had quite severe panic attacks for two days and still feel very unwell physically. But as I look at the spring sunshine I feel like I'm living in my life again after a very long time.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 15/03/2022 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clpsmum · 15/03/2022 20:51

Well done and happy rest and best of your life. Take it from somebody who did the same, you won't regret this xx

OliveToboogie · 15/03/2022 20:51

Sorry have reported. Posted in wrong place so sorry.

Original poster
silkypancakes · 15/03/2022 21:12

thanks

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/03/2022 21:22

Well done OP.
Every good dish for the future.Flowers

Original poster
silkypancakes · 16/03/2022 02:54

thank you @billy1966

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 16/03/2022 03:34

hurrah! the sense of relief and liberation when you finally really believe that it’s them not you is amazing.

well done, you will look back and be so glad you did this.

Original poster
silkypancakes · 16/03/2022 06:54

Yes that’s exactly it. It’s a step of commitment to my own reality, my own experience— not the rubbish story he was telling.

OP posts:
Original poster
silkypancakes · 20/03/2022 11:20

I need some subsequent advice. Following this decision my husband has been a picture of perfection. He has apologised profusely, accepted the separation, is being around properly for the kids for the first time, speaking to everyone politely and being very fun (whereas previously he’s been consistently awful). Do you think he’s just relieved as it’s the right thing, or do you think he’s being purposefully manipulative? How can I stay strong? I can see him now acting out the husband I actually wanted and it is hurting me. He’s around because we are still working out the details of separation. Wise words needed.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/03/2022 11:25

Stick to your decision. Lots of women have been drawn back in by short term behaviour changes, only to be abused again. The love and the trust is gone.

billy1966 · 20/03/2022 11:32

Pure manipulation.

Do not be swayed.

Do not discuss his NEW behaviour as it does not affect your decision.

All it shows you is that just as he can choose to behave well, he chose to behave badly for a long time.

Don't be dragged into discussing this new him as it will just be an attempt to confuse you.

Focus on your plan for a new life.

Flowers
romdowa · 20/03/2022 11:34

@silkypancakes

I need some subsequent advice. Following this decision my husband has been a picture of perfection. He has apologised profusely, accepted the separation, is being around properly for the kids for the first time, speaking to everyone politely and being very fun (whereas previously he’s been consistently awful). Do you think he’s just relieved as it’s the right thing, or do you think he’s being purposefully manipulative? How can I stay strong? I can see him now acting out the husband I actually wanted and it is hurting me. He’s around because we are still working out the details of separation. Wise words needed.
It's all an act to reel you back in. The moment you crumble he will revert back to how he was. Stay strong , he will drop the act eventually
RoyKentsChestHair · 20/03/2022 11:41

All it shows you is that just as he can choose to behave well, he chose to behave badly for a long time

Agree with this. My XH was the same - as soon as I told him I’d had enough, that he wasn’t committed to being part of this family and was making us all miserable, he changed and became sunshine and light. He took the DCs to the park on his own for the first time in 12 years, and sat and watched a movie with them for the first time in 12 years. All it did was show me that he was completely capable of having been a decent dad if he’d wanted to. He just didn’t want to, until he was in danger of losing it.

Stick to your decision. He can still be fun dad, just not in the same house anymore. To be fair, my ex is much happier with his own space, and my DC and I are all happy too. They get to spend quality time with him instead of him hiding away in his office to escape family life. It was best all round.

Original poster
silkypancakes · 20/03/2022 11:50

@RoyKentsChestHair are you literally me - film night on the cards for later, he’s really enthusiastic about it for the first time! Bastard.

Thanks everyone, this is all so helpful.

OP posts:
Yebbie · 20/03/2022 12:11

We were young, weren't married and had no kids so very different, but the relationship I had between 17-23 we broke up and got back together probably around 6 times. I used to say to my friends that I wished it could always stay as good as it was whenever we first got back together. It was a repeating pattern, he'd be a useless boyfriend then I'd tell him I was done and he would be everything I wanted and I'd be on cloud nine for a few weeks. It would then gradually get shitter and shitter until I would dump him again and get the good boyfriend winning me over back. I would be excited for it by the end of the relationship and would be looking forward to him wising up. Eventually I grew up and realised that there was nothing romantic about him being so scared of losing me that he would become what I wanted and that actually all it meant is that he didn't love me enough to keep it up long term. I wasn't asking for much just a man that actually wanted to spend time with me, was remotely loving towards me and a hands on boyfriend.

It is a very different scenario but it taught me at a young age that if they wanted to, they will. And not just when they have to.

Bonbon21 · 20/03/2022 12:16

Has it occurred to him that seperating is going to cost him money do you think??
All this civility is an act... he chooses to behave the way he does.
Do not be drawn in.. he hasnt changed...
Take your freedom...

Original poster
silkypancakes · 20/03/2022 14:47

Thank you @Yebbie that is a useful example

OP posts:
redastherose · 20/03/2022 15:11

Unfortunately it's very common that they become everything you ever wanted them to be when you finally call it a day.

It's frustrating because he knew all along how to be a good dad and husband but he is not fundamentally that person underneath, it's just a performance to make you think he's changed. Don't be fooled, he hasn't.

Keep pushing forward with your plans and don't let him manipulate you. I'd guess that his next tactic will be to start getting annoyed about the fact that you aren't falling for his act and he will turn nasty and it will be your fault because he's tried and you won't!

Original poster
silkypancakes · 20/03/2022 17:00

Thank you so much for these wise words.

OP posts: