I have done it

[silkypancakes]

I have been obsessively reading this board as I have been in an abusive marriage and really crumbling inside and physically from the stress of it all. Well, I finally sat and said we are over and - though there are things to sort out - I have emotionally disconnected and know I won't agree to stay in the marriage again now. I'm done.

I'm posting this in case it inspires anyone. I'm middle aged with two kids, and an unmade plan but anything is better than that.

You can do it.

It’s like another form of gaslighting, really.

@RoyKentsChestHair

All it shows you is that just as he can choose to behave well, he chose to behave badly for a long time

Agree with this. My XH was the same - as soon as I told him I’d had enough, that he wasn’t committed to being part of this family and was making us all miserable, he changed and became sunshine and light. He took the DCs to the park on his own for the first time in 12 years, and sat and watched a movie with them for the first time in 12 years. All it did was show me that he was completely capable of having been a decent dad if he’d wanted to. He just didn’t want to, until he was in danger of losing it.

Stick to your decision. He can still be fun dad, just not in the same house anymore. To be fair, my ex is much happier with his own space, and my DC and I are all happy too. They get to spend quality time with him instead of him hiding away in his office to escape family life. It was best all round.

I could have written this word for word!! My XH also gave his new partner Christmas Eve gifts.... l had never received one in the 2 decades we'd been together and sat presentless whilst him and DC opened theirs.

It was that little thing that made me realise that he did know how to treat me kindly..... he just chose not too.

Stay strong 💪

I'm thinking the same too but I'm so scared . Scared of being alone even tho I would never want another relationship ever again . Scared of money worries . Scared of him moving on and having a brilliant happy life . I know how selfish and horrible that makes me sound but I only wish I was good enough and he would of been happy with me . He makes me feel not good enough for him all the time . Everyday he will pick something I'm wearing and say I look awful and homeless . It was my weight before so I lost loads of weight , then I just didn't do it for him but there's nothing I could do because it's just the way I look / am . I used to always just want to please him but even tho now it kills me because I don't and I don't even try . I'm so anxious all the time and I'm so close to telling him I'm done but I'm so scared of being on my own

He doesn’t sound at all nice, @thegoldenone

He has apologised profusely, accepted the separation, is being around properly for the kids for the first time, speaking to everyone politely and being very fun (whereas previously he’s been consistently awful). Do you think he’s just relieved as it’s the right thing, or do you think he’s being purposefully manipulative?

This is absolutely textbook @silkypancakes . He's trying to persuade you to get back with him by charming you. It might last for a while once you get back together, but then he'd go back to what he was like again.

Stay strong.

It might help to write a thorough list of all the unpleasant things he's said and done over the years. When you doubt yourself, read over the list to remind you what he's really like and all the ways he's hurt you.

@thegoldenone You'll feel a lot better on your own, you'd be making the right decision xx

Thank you, @me4real. I do already have this list and it has some appalling things on it. I’ll make sure I look at it again later. I guess the idea of a new start has a great psychological appeal and this is why they do it/why it hurts

You can expect him to be very nasty once he realises you aren't going to throw yourself down in front of his new act.

He could get very nasty.

Don't hesitate to contact the police if he is even slightly aggressive towards you.

Stay strong.

@billy1966 that’s worth knowing, thank you