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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mixed signals

34 replies

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 16:35

I have been dating a younger guy for the last 3 months. I am 36 with a toddler and he is 26. We went on 4 dates. On the dates he seems really in to me. He asks tons of questions about my life and we have a lot of fun together, hold hands, lot of physical chemistry.

On the third date he asked what I was looking for. I told him a relationship but wanted to take it slow. He also asked if I would ever be interested in going out with his friends. He never said what he was looking for because our convo got cut off but I took it as he was looking for a relationship.

Problem is his communication between dates. It seems he only texts to set up a date and dates have been like every 3 weeks. Whenever we do any texting he takes hours to respond and he stops talking mid convo. After the 3rd date I hadn’t heard from him in 10 days so I messaged him and he asked me to go out right away. We went out the next night. The next day he went skiing and he sent me a video of him skiing and we had flirty texts for a few days. We talked numerous times on the date and in texts about hanging again but it has been 2 weeks again and nothing. I thought he would ask to hang this past weekend since I was child free but nothing.

Not sure if he is ghosting me now or not since this is his usual pattern. I don’t want to reach out since I did last time. I’m feeling like I’m being led on and deceived now and I’m really upset and confused. Trying to end it in my head but can’t stop thinking about the situation. Any suggestions on navigating this ? Thanks!!

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 14/03/2022 16:39

Sorry but sounds like he wants casual.. you haven’t spoken to him for 2 weeks? 😕

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 16:42

So, right now, it's been two weeks with no contact, is that right? That's a long time.

You wanted a relationship, remember you told him. Not necessarily a really serious one to begin with but you did want a relationship and you did tell him that.

So in your shoes I'd draw an end to it. Take back a little bit of control and say ''Hi hope you're well, look, there's no contact between us and that doesn't work for me. Going on previous form, you might be about to text me but I don't know, and I don't like not knowing, that just doesn't work for me. All the best. Lilcj xx''

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 16:45

Yea he has done this between every date. But why didn’t he speak up when I said I’m looking for a relationship!? I had even asked him if the age was an issue and he was adamant it didn’t matter to him. Now I feel totally disrespected. Should I just let it go and move on?

OP posts:

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 16:46

Ps, I don't think he's given you mixed signals. I think he's clearly communicating that this is a sporadic thing that you cannot ''bank on''.

So perhaps you could just honour what you originally said as I like that you were honest. Say ''look, I want a relationship not a serious one, but I did want a relationship and that's not what's going on here, so all the best, take care''.

I'd take back control in a message to say goodbye and good luck. This is messing with your head and when things mess with your head, it's time to step away before you end up gaslighting yourself and eroding yourself.

AHungryCaterpillar · 14/03/2022 16:47

Erm because he wants sex and doesn’t want to put you off if he says he only wants sex? Are you new to dating? He’s sleeping with an older woman he’s probably chuffed and only wants something casual he’s not going to tell you and is he. I think he’s giving very clear signals he’s not interested in a relationship, 2 weeks without contact at all. He’s probably sleeping with others

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 16:48

Yes but 2-3 weeks is his typical ugh. I thought maybe he was playing the game but now I feel like I made it pretty clear I’m interested in him and still no change. I don’t really want to reach out to him but maybe I should for my own sanity ? Should I say this ? I have so much fun with you but i get the feeling you have different priorities right now. I’m looking for something more serious and If I’m dating someone for it to be serious I need more communication. Just think we’re on different pages right now.

OP posts:

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 16:48

yeh, I think the age gap is a red herring. I've had men in their 50s try to ''relegate'' me. You know, you go out, you have a few lovely dates and then they try and relegate you by just being like ''I'll call you''. 90% of men will pull that stunt if you let them.

Let him know that that is not what works for you. It's not demanding. It's just you have your own agenda. Don't lose sight of what you want trying to figure him out.

it's clear what he wants. A girlfriend on a shelf who'll be taken down and brushed off once a fortnight!???

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 16:50

@Lilcj12486

Only reach out if it's a goodbye good luck text. And if you do that, you're doing it for YOU. So that YOUR brain closes this file. There's nothing more annoying than wondering if somebody is going to text you. I prefer to let them know they've left it too long and the option is gone now. Even though I would phrase it nicely, like ''we're walking on different pages and I see that now so I wish you all the best here but drawing a line under this, it was fun, bye, xx'''

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 16:54

Sorry yes, your text is perfect!!

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 16:59

Yea I think I need to do it for me since I’m losing my mind and need to move on. Does it sound weird just sending that after not hearing from him? May need to reword a tad.

OP posts:

Musttryharder2021 · 14/03/2022 17:07

How does he find his find that your time is limited and restricted by having a young child? Could your availability be what's causing him to stall but he doesn't want to address it?

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 17:11

Mm I doubt it. I have told him a few times my availability. I have every other weekend and 2 nights during the week. He’s also in work busy season now but even before his busy time he was still only msging and making plans every 2-3 weeks.

OP posts:

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 17:27

@Musttryharder2021

How does he find his find that your time is limited and restricted by having a young child? Could your availability be what's causing him to stall but he doesn't want to address it?

Do it! And don't over think the wording because you're doing it for you.

This isn't working for you. He knows that he's let this much time or almost this much time elapse and yet still contacted you in the past, so it's not like he can think ''how has she not figured out I wasn't planning to contact her again?'' because based on past form, you cannot know that he's not going to suddenly contact you tomorrow.

Tell him you're on different pages etc and then plan your weekend knowing that you're not expecting to have to suddenly fit him in. That sounds shit! to be constantly wondering if he's going to want to see you.

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 17:28

I quoted the wrong message there. DOn't know what I was doing1

Hopefullyoneday12 · 14/03/2022 18:59

He's probably got multiple hook ups on the go. If you haven't spoken for 2 weeks there's no need to do a closing text.

A closing text is just in the hope he replies and seems keen again and you get that hit / ego boost again. But you'll be right back to square one in a few days so it's just prolonging the upset / annoyance

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 19:08

I know. I guess it’s just hard for my brain to not just wonder is he gonna msg again etc. I feel like it would help me move on for him to just say “ oh sorry I’m just looking for casual now” and then I can move on with my life. I am pretty hesitant about reaching out tho.

OP posts:

AHungryCaterpillar · 14/03/2022 19:11

You know he is looking for a causal relationship, 2 weeks without any contact is not normal, maybe for a booty call, but not a relationship I wouldn’t do a closing text I would only say it when/if he asks to meet up again.

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 19:32

Yea you’re right. Probably better to wait anyways. By how it was left it seems like he will message me but obviously in his normal 2-3 week window!! Argh

OP posts:

Lurking9to5 · 14/03/2022 19:35

He's not going to say that out loud if you seem to be accepting that he checks in once every three weeks. Next time he gets in touch, remember your own agenda and remember how this wrecked your head and send him that really good text about walking on different pages.

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 19:46

Yes I am definitely not letting this go again. Not fair to myself. I think he would be honest if i say that. I think I took his whole “what are you looking for question” the wrong way. He was probably trying to tell me he didn’t want serious and I cut it off. Just still pissed he didn’t speak up on it.

OP posts:

Peachtoiletpaper · 14/03/2022 19:54

I think it would feel better to send an 'over and out' text just to draw a line under things mentally for you rather than waiting to see if he messages. I would imagine he sees this a lot more casually. I agree he should have clarified what he was looking for when he asked you, rather than letting you think he was agreeing with what you said you wanted.

What about 'hi, just to say, it's been great getting to know you but as I mentioned, I am looking for a relationship rather than someone to meet up with now and then and would prefer to focus on that. Just wanted to let you know I'll be leaving things here. All the best.'

AHungryCaterpillar · 14/03/2022 20:01

Hmm I don’t know that message kinda sounds like she wants him to fight for her hence why I think it’s better to wait till he contacts, but as long as you aren’t going to let him talk you round then it’s up to you just remember though he will just tell you what you want to hear he’s clearly proved he isn’t looking for anything

Original poster

Lilcj12486 · 14/03/2022 20:17

I like that message ! Will think about sending. Going to at least give a few more days.

I’ve had experiences in the past somewhat similar but not as long lived where we didn’t clarify what we were looking for and same thing happened. I ended up sending msgs to end it and most were well received and honest and it helped me move on. I remember one guy just said “ oh sorry I’m going through a lot right now”. Yea I know what that means haha. But even that msg helped me realize and move on.

From now on I realized I really need to clarify what I am looking for upfront!!

OP posts:

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/03/2022 20:29

@Hopefullyoneday12

He's probably got multiple hook ups on the go. If you haven't spoken for 2 weeks there's no need to do a closing text.

Not if she sends it and then blocks him she won't.

MrsBerthaRochester · 14/03/2022 21:54

He doesnt text you because he is not thinking about you. You are a booty call. He will have a couple of you on the go.
Raise your bar and block and delete. Delete so you are not tempted when he comes sniffing around for a shag. Which he will. They always do.

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