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Original poster

Feeling conned

50 replies

Conundrum2022 · 14/03/2022 12:21

New name created for this...

I'm feeling very confused, upset ... and as the post name suggests... conned.

I guess what I'm looking for from this post will be some sort of validation, even advice on what's happened.

I met my husband several years ago following my very amicable, friendly divorce from exh.

We hit it off instantly, he was sweet, interesting and a joy to be around. During the initial dating period, husband told me he works a few days a week to keep him occupied following his retirement at age 32. Said he'd done well, and had no need to work really. At the time I was doing very well in my career too, I'd just brought me and my son a new house and was doing a complete refurbishment. Life was good. I fell pregnant and we decided to move in together. Husband refused to move into my house, he said he hated it, way too small. So off he went and found a lovely house for us to move into, said his friend owned it and we got a rental discount. I needed my name on the tenancy as a formality more than a financial need. Before signing, I made my concerns clear that as my maternity leave loomed, I'd have no income. Husband said its fine, the rent was a drop in the ocean ....

We move in and open a joint savings account, and as agreed all my wages of £3.5k go in. It took a few months, but he started putting his wages in too ... of £1500. Our rent alone was £2500. .... Alarm bells ring, but with my savings I sorted things out month after month. I'm told he has a huge settlement from his house sale coming in.... not to panic. We decide to buy a house together, I put mine up for sale and we discuss things with a mortgage advisor. My house money comes in .... his never did. Turns out as a very last minute 'goodwill' gesture, he signed the house over to his ex wife and child.

Pandemic hit, house plans and on hold. I'm not earning, we're living on my savings. He tells me he lost his job, and is feeling suicidal. Low and behold, he has zero savings to fall back onto. I ask about his retirement fund ... turns out he never retired... he just quit his job.

I have made alot of financial decisions based on things he has told me. He purposely deceived me and let me make decisions knowing full well he was lying to me.

I have questioned him and I'm told I misunderstood.

Back to the rental, he was friends with his boss who leant him a large sum of money to show the rental agency, and he wrote a financial reference massively inflating his wage in order to get this rental. We fell behind on bills of course and were left with massive debts which he refused to pay. I didn't want any CCJs so I agreed a monthly repayment which I am still paying.... he refuses to contribute and was happy to get a CCJ.

He is hugely financially irresponsible.

In-between times, when he proposed. He brought me a beautiful ring, but ruined the moment IMO by telling me it cost £15k and was platinum. I asked him to return it and he said no, he could afford it. I insured the ring fir the amount.... I took it to be cleaned as the 'platinum' was turnng yellow. .... jeweller told me its 9ct white gold and worth no more than £300 - £400. I confronted husband who breaks down in tears telling me he felt ashamed.

Somehow, I have become very insular. He is the only person in my life now, I have nobody I can go to for help .... this part of it scares me. It crept up on me. I don't want yo go into anymore detail on how this happened as it is outing .... but wow!! It's an odd situation I'm in. I've become enmeshed with only him.

He decided he wanted another baby, I said maybe in the future but with no career and renting our home I need more security. He starts crying, saying I've let him down .... we have sex, next day I get the morning after pill in secret (Bad of me to keep a secret I know) I fell pregnant which ended at 6 weeks. Within the week he's asking for sex, and when I refuse he says don't love him, and our marriage is on the rocks.

I know he's manipulating me. I know he was deceitful and I made many life changing decisions purely based on the information he gave me.

I want to leave, I want a divorce but am slightly stuck financially. I will be here for the rest of the year to ensure I have finances to get out. He is quite volatile emotionally, so I don't know how to go about it. Do I leave with the kids when he's at work one day? Do I tell him before I leave?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/03/2022 12:38

Oh lovely— I don’t know what to say— he is simply a bloody fantasist and one with huge ideas. I lived with someone for 4 years between my 2 marriages who was like this. He lied about his job and got the shock of his life when I turned up to where he worked in a ‘temp role’ and found out he had told me a load of rubbish to make himself sound moderately successful. The reality was at that time I wouldn’t have cared- but I did care about the lying. What I did was kept things sweet until I was in a position coming up to the ‘give notice’ point— I then rented somewhere else and left when he was out one day leaving a letter telling him why. That way I got all my stuff out without a fuss - as you are married and might still have money from house sale I would get yourself to a solicitor ASAP

Gatekeeperoffood · 14/03/2022 13:13

Your husband is a sociopath OP, you need to escape with your DC as soon as possible. He's lied to you with ease for years, you really don't know who this person is and I'd not be surprised if you are only scratching the surface of what he's really been up to.

With his lies, he has managed to control and isolate you and steal your money to fund it. The attempt to get you pregnant is a ploy to control you further, make it harder to leave. Please stop having sex with him, he is a monster and he's laying his trap.

The suicidal threats and "depression" are also manipulative tactics to stop you from leaving. I'm genuinely concerned for yours and your DCs safety, these are the types of mem who murder their wives when they leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2022 13:16

Your husband is a very dangerous man. You need to get out immediately.

Gatekeeperoffood · 14/03/2022 13:20

So my advice would be leave with the kids when he's at work. Ring womens aid if you can and do not tell him anything about your plans.

You mention he is volatile, the most dangerous time for any woman in an abusive relationship is when they try to leave. He will see you leaving as a loss of control and his volatility will likely escalate during this time.

I'm so sorry OP

Pinkbonbon · 14/03/2022 13:21

Don't give him any forewarning.

He is a con artist.
I would actually check that he hadn't taken out any life insurance policies on me.

If he quit his work at 32, he had likely been making a living off women and scamming since then.

He wants another baby in order to trap you further.

Who's name is on the house?

See a solicitor ASAP for advise.

Pinkbonbon · 14/03/2022 13:22

And run a credit check on yourself.

Whatabambam · 14/03/2022 13:26

I agree that this is beyond abuse, this man is a fraudster and you have been a victim of his very clever lies. Please take legal advice and leave. Ignore his words about suicide, he can make use of the services available to those who are in emotional distress (not that he's likely being sincere about this).

Pinkbonbon · 14/03/2022 13:28

And before you go, make sure you cancel any bills coming from your account. Also get your own bank account sorted aspa and get your money in there because he will drain the joint account as soon as he realises you have gone.

Don't forget important documents like your passports. Anything not valuable or valuable to you, just leave it.

You really need legal help.
I would also speak to a police officer about all this. Because there needs to be a record of this psycho. So that if he causes you trouble in future, they have background on it.

bedheadedzombie · 14/03/2022 13:29

Can you get a coil so you won't get pregnant? You really need to plan to leave, but you already know that.

ButtockUp · 14/03/2022 13:30

Please contact Women's Aid and a solicitor as soon as possible.
Behind your back, he'll be plotting further ways to sponge off others and to find ways to keep you on as his 'cash cow' ( obviously I'm not calling you that name.)

He's a dangerous and manipulative man .

litterbird · 14/03/2022 13:34

Crikey OP you need to leave. Please listen, you are in a precarious position. This man is dangerous even if you have been conditioned to not notice it. Please take the advise of others. Get out now. Protect yourself financially and physically immediately. Woman Aid is a good start.

MoonSpoonSoon · 14/03/2022 13:40

This is so sad and one of the worst stories I've read on MN. It's really scary how someone can be so deceptive and completely take advantage of your trust and love. I don't have any advice but I hope you and your children can get out safely OP. You sound like a really strong self-made woman. Wishing you all the best.

LIZS · 14/03/2022 13:41

He's right you don't love him and your marriage is on the rocks, but not for reasons he wants to believe. He is a liar and financially abusive, treating you as a cash cow and controlling you with pregnancies and children. Your ds deserves better even if you somehow think you don't. Speak to women's aid, your gp or hv and find a route to move on. Do you have any capital from your property left? I wonder why his marriage previously broke down and if he has a history of abusive relationships.

Pinkbonbon · 14/03/2022 13:51

I actually hope that once you are out and safe op, you go to the papers (or chat magazine or something) with your story. Other women should be warned.

I would very surprised if he doesn't have a criminal record. And if he doesn't, he should. He has committed coercive control (pressuring you into sex) which is a crime, for a start (though this is difficult to get convictions for). I also suspect that if you talk with the police, they may consider some of the financial things he has done to you as fraud.

Would be great if they could lock him up.

Alfiemoon1 · 14/03/2022 13:52

You need to leave op contact woman’s aid and a solicitor

AWOIF · 14/03/2022 13:55

Please get a solicitor, contact women's aid. DO not let on what you are doing..

OurChristmasMiracle · 14/03/2022 14:03

He sounds like a very manipulative abusive piece of work. Just as well you didn’t buy a house together because I can guarantee he would have convinced you to buy it in joint names so that he owned half of it.

I also would look at longer term contraception- he clearly thinks that having another baby will trap you further.

I would get out of there as soon as possible tbh because he will continue to spend your money and will undoubtedly use the emotional blackmail card too.

Bananalanacake · 14/03/2022 14:09

Can you go to friends or family, or has he cut you off from them.

gamerchick · 14/03/2022 14:15

He's a conman. He's probably done this sort of stuff to a lot of women. I'm sorry man.

You know you need to get rid of him. Asap.

gamerchick · 14/03/2022 14:16

Sort out contraception and do a credit check on yourself

Original poster
Conundrum2022 · 14/03/2022 14:40

Thankyou. Yes I'm on the pill and booked in for a coil next month which he won't like when he finds out. Since being with him, my life feels stressful. Too much has happened. There's always a demand that I can / can't do something. He is hugely jealous of my ex husband. I find myself acting a certain way just to keep the peace.

I will leave, but can't right now. All of my finance options are maxed out. thanks to him and his over the top life expectations which he can't fund. I'll make a plan, anymore tips on the way to do this would be appreciated 🙂

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 14/03/2022 15:51

Ask a trusted friend to look after your important documents so you know where they are and he can't hide them.

IrishKatie1971 · 14/03/2022 17:13

OMG OP. Reading your story made my blood run cold and I literally felt sick. He is indeed a conman as others have said. And he could turn physically violent if he doesn't get his own way.

Bloody hell you poor thing. Your poor children too. You need to take immediate action, but in secret. Do not give him ANY inkling that you are planning your exit. If you do, what remains of your finances could well disappear into thin air.. and worse.... you and your children could be at risk of extreme violence.

See a solicitor asap. Ideally one experience in family law and domestic abuse situations. Also call your local police station and ask to speak to an officer about all this. It can be done in confidence and "off the record" in a sense - without any need to make an arrest, but they need to know about you and what is going on. What you tell them may well help you when you actually come to leaving and you can inform your solicitor that you have spoken with them, or plan to speak with the police.

I think any solicitor worth their salt would in fact advise that you notified the police of all this. The police may well be aware of him. Have you considered doing Clare's Law on him? If not, then I think you should make a request. I have a feeling you will find something from his previous relationships, people he has previously conned.

Please please take at least those steps. Has he bled you dry entirely? How much of your savings have you lost? Is there any way of getting any of your money back?

Please protect yourself. As someone else said, all important documents with a safe and trusted good friend. Passports etc. Are you parents aware of this? Where are they? Could they help?

Do a credit check on yourself. It is possible he has taken out secret loans using your name.

Someone also mentioned life insurance policies. Shudder....

The manipulativeness regarding having another baby reminds me of my ex. Trying to keep me stuck with him while all he did was lie, cheat and take from me. I fell pregnant but miscarried and he could not have cared less. I see it now as a blessing in disguise, as traumatic as it was to lose my baby. DO NOT get pregnant.

This man could be so much worse than you even realise. What he is doing that you are unaware of. What he has done is beyond treacherous, so please do not underestimate him. I don't want to scare you. I do think you should speak to Women's Aid as well though.

As regards your living situation, that whole thing with the flat sounds really strange and I do wonder if that was a set-up, that the rent is not what you think it is, the contract you signed was forged so that he can skim money from you. I would not put it past him.

Do not enter into any more financial agreements with him. God this is so awful. I want to reach in and give you a hug and pull you out of there.

I watched the Tinder Swindler on Netflix recently. One man swindling hundreds of people around the globe. Unbelievable but sadly true. He went around ruining lives with zero remorse and served a handful of years and is back out running a business whilst the victims of his scams have lost everything. He denies that he scammed anyone. He is a total psychopath and preyed on the kindness of others, playing them all and now he is riding on the back of some kind of negative celebrity wave. It always shocks me that these people even exist.

Please OP, protect yourself and take action now. But act as if everything is fine. Please be careful.

IrishKatie1971 · 14/03/2022 17:19

Sorry, I meant odd situation with the house rather than the flat. Owned by a friend... discounted rent. That amount seems VERY inflated for a "discounted" rent... I'm concerned, repeating myself here, that this is part of the scam to get money out of you and that a decent sized proportion of that "rent" is lining his pockets as well as those of an accomplice or multiple accomplices. How long have you been in this property? Have you ever met this "friend"?

Police, solicitor..... please

IrishKatie1971 · 14/03/2022 17:23

If your parents are still alive, please tell them. No matter what he has done to isolate you from them.

But you need legal support first. Before he harms you further in any way.

Bastard. Men like this need locking up.