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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Look at the state of me

34 replies

simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 09:46

Me and partner been together over 10 years, things haven't been great since new year and we had some words this morning where I was told "look at the state of you" and I've been called ugly and fat many times, I just don't understand why he can be so nasty yes I am over weight I have 20 month old child who doesn't sleep well I'm tired and drained and yes I should really be doing something about the weight but I'm tired and last thing I can thing to do is loose weight.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 09:50

He doesn't have any respect for you, does he?

Can you ever have a proper sit down conversation?

Does he pull his weight?

jeaux90 · 14/03/2022 09:50

He sounds like a prince Confused.

I'd play him at his game and get him to look after his child whilst you get time to "look after yourself" whatever that means.

Tell him he's right you need to look after yourself and on x,y,z times you'll be attending x,y,z classes.

Then go and do whatever it is you've been missing out on whilst he's been busy being a dickhead.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2022 09:51

That’s horrible. He’s no nasty to you because he wants to hurt you. You deserve better than that.

Original poster
simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 09:56

Thank you all for your reply's, he has changed I never use to ask to ask for money but now I do and I have to be so grateful. No he doesn't really help out with our DS. Last week I was called a slag and told to fuck off back to my ex who I haven't seen or spoken to in over 20 years, he tells me it's all me everything my fault we decided I wouldn't return to work as childcare cost and now I get told I should get a job and have some pride in myself like other woman

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 09:56

Get a job and save up to leave him.

jeaux90 · 14/03/2022 09:58

I've changed my mind after my previous post. Plan your exit.

TabithaTittlemouse · 14/03/2022 09:58

What?! Why are you with him?

GorgonzolaSouffle · 14/03/2022 09:59

Just get rid of him .

Do you have family nearby? Are they supportive?

Original poster
simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 10:03

@GorgonzolaSouffle I don't have any family I'm a only child and both parents have past, we had a big row just after Christmas he moved out and I thought we sorted things out but since he come back he behaviour is worse, I don't know if because I didn't beg him to come back that now he is back he using his power over me with money, I have no money to spare to up and leave as I don't work and the cost of childcare would be to expensive I worked before having my DS and have every intention or returning once he in full time school

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 14/03/2022 10:05

why wait till school? get a job and leave you cant carry on like this

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/03/2022 10:07

Jesus what a wanker.
Start making plans to leave him . You are worth so much more than this. Don't do anything for him anymore, washing, cooking etc. Try to look for work and get things sorted and don't bother to tell him. When things are in place just go .
Have you told anyone in real life? Maybe they can help you leave sooner. Good luck .

Original poster
simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 10:07

Because any job I get is minimum wage I don't have any qualifications so if I go get a job now I won't earn enough to cover childcare and have enough to live on,

OP posts:
Original poster
simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 10:09

@Inthesameboatatmo I have one friend who I confide in but she not in a position to help i don't have many friends prob 2 I hoped by attending baby group I would meet and make friends but haven't been lucky yet I mean there people at the groups I chat to but not built up friendship

OP posts:
Oldtiredfedup · 14/03/2022 10:10

You are with an abuser. Get out now before there’s nothing left of you and/or it escalates. Do NOT tell him you are leaving. Contact your local DV/A service for advice and signposting for your area

girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 10:11

@simplelife100

Because any job I get is minimum wage I don't have any qualifications so if I go get a job now I won't earn enough to cover childcare and have enough to live on,
You'll get help with childcare costs if you apply for UC
jeaux90 · 14/03/2022 10:14

Your choice is get into a DV shelter start rebuilding your life now.

Or wait until your free nursery place and then start working and leave.

Start thinking about how to retrain to get into something you can and want to do.

I've been there, I'm a single mum and had to get back to work to be able to leave. It's not easy but you can do it.

Original poster
simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 10:21

@jeaux90 thank you, I have no choice but to wait till DS is in education I've started looking at course I can do to get me qualifications to become a Teaching assistant I know what role/ job I want as I'll need to be able to have school holidays off when son would be off so that the route I'm going to down I need to look into if I have to pay for the course as I may have some eligibility for free course

OP posts:
Original poster
simplelife100 · 14/03/2022 10:27

What Tips would people give for me to start planing to leave I have a couple hundred stashed away but that wouldn't be enough so any tips advise would be great I'm going to leave him

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/03/2022 10:27

@simplelife100

What Tips would people give for me to start planing to leave I have a couple hundred stashed away but that wouldn't be enough so any tips advise would be great I'm going to leave him
Speak to your local council. Explain the situation. Ask them for help and what you need to do.
stripeyflowers · 14/03/2022 10:35

An I suppose he is an Adonis, right?

Plan your exit OP. Flowers

newbiename · 14/03/2022 10:35

What is your housing situation?
I'd get him out and claim UC today.

Flyg · 14/03/2022 10:40

My advice, having been in a similar situation, is to leave now. Do it while DS is still young and his parents not living together will just be his normal.

Universal credit is extremely generous to single parents. I got 85% of my childcare costs back up to 625 a month.

Will he leave if you ask him to? Step one is get him out and start claiming UC as a single parent.
Then look for work.

One day you could be independent, healthier and happier but you need to go through some hard things to get there.

peacocktail · 14/03/2022 10:42

You will manage and not starve on UC. get yourself some help get him out or leave him. Some men love weakness and he is kicking while you are down. There is every chance that his manipulative cruel behaviour will escalate.

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2022 10:46

What's your living situation, is the house in joint names or just yours or his?

RandomMess · 14/03/2022 10:49

If you live separately within the same house (no shared bed, cooking, laundry, shopping) you can claim UC as a single parent.

Ensure Child Benefit is in your name to your own account. Get a job, end the relationship.

Thanks
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