TRIGGER WARNING - I was sexually abused as a child and my life is a mess.

[CantTellNeedHelp]

As the title says, I was abused as a child. I'm now middle aged and I'm a mess.

I'm not sure who can help me or how.

I was born in the 1970s & the abuse started when I was very young.

Although my parents weren't the abusers, though they too were abusive and I have always been the family scapegoat, insulted, belittled and treated with contempt.

For reasons which should now be clear, I have never felt that I could tell my parents what was happening or what had happened, not even when I was very small.

That said, there were physical signs of the abuse: I had severe, unexplained kidney problems, which were investigated at hospital, I was having regular bouts of cystitis throughout my childhood and unexplained bleeding.

My parents are very middle class and very significant in their community. Back in those days that would have been a smokescreen for health professionals, police and other people in authority who may have had a 'hang on a minute here' moment if I had come from less 'respectable' origins. The family GP was a family friend we saw regularly.

Over the years I have at various points in time I have reported this to the police. I was always dismissed. Now the person who abused me would be unable to hurt anyone else. My life is as settled as it will ever be and I wouldn't want to take a hatchet to my life, as it would only be me who would be affected.

I have 2 DCs, both adults who have graduated and left home.

I'm think that I'm feeling especially bad lately for a few reasons:

In February we had a family get together, my DH and I rarely go to these, this time we went and they all treated me appallingly.

An old friend of mine got back in touch, great, I'm lonely because I don't trust easily. Within 2 days of chatting on social media it was clear that the former friend didn't want to speak to me at all. She wanted DD's details because DD does something that would be useful to the former friend.

DC1 has a demanding schedule, I think that they have taken on too much. This weekend DC1 told me that I was an abysmal person, abusive and a terrible parent. When DH probed how I was abusive it came down to the fact that I'm an introvert. I used to take them to play dates and extra curricular activities but I didn't mix with the other adults. DC felt that they lost out on chances because I didn't mix, even though I took great care to enable DC to mix. DC was very angry with me. As I say, DC is both overwrought and came to the recent family gathering. DH thinks that DC felt able to bully me in the same way the rest of my family treated me.

The other DC isn't having much to do with us. Not visiting, not contacting us or responding to contact. They have a partner they are living with. The partner has 'fun' parents who hold big house parties, invite 20 for Christmas their house isn't very big! and that DC is resentful because we, and specifically me aren't 'fun'.

I'm feeling insulted, rejected and resented by everyone except for DH.

There is no help for survivors of abuse who are my age in my area. If I was under 25 there would be help.

I'm depressed, at least, I suspect that I am. I'm WFH part time, I spend most of my days in tears. DH is kind but he doesn't understand.

In truth, I don't know what I want from this. I know that I need help.

Apologies that this is long.
Writing it down has helped.

Hi.
I didn’t want to scroll on past. I’m not sure I have anything helpful to say but hopefully someone wiser will soon.
I just wanted to say I believe you and I’m sorry this has happened to you. And that your dc are being less than kind.
Would you consider talking to a counsellor?

Hi there, you show great insight. I'd really recommend talking to a therapist who specialises in this area and also understands attachment.
It will help.

Thank you both.

Therapy would have been my suggestion too. I did have private therapy for about 5 years, it ended a decade ago when the therapist retired. She was excellent, very experienced and herself a supervisor.

5 years of therapy was very expensive and couldn't help with the way I'm feeling now, that people keep crapping on me.

Oh the guilt and shame are huge.

I did see a counsellor who had been recommended to me before Covid.
She asked whether I ever thought about suicide, I said that I'm a pragmatist and, in my circumstances, it would be unusual if I never thought about suicide.

She reported me to the local mental health team, who sent a different young person round every day to check on me. Then...nothing happened.

It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

I had a very similar childhood. I have found this YouTube channel very useful. I have linked to her “Start Here” playlist

(The Crappy Childhood Fairy). Although she is American, it’s very non-preachy and not at all a wannabe influencer-type. It’s pretty fast-paced and practical. (Quite surprised. I’m a cynical Aussie and very ANTI American Therapy-influencer types, as I think they’re bloody dangerous.)

You have been through so much, I'm sorry things are so tough with your dc'. I wanted to recommend Carolyn Spring, she has some podcasts and excellent books and courses. I hope you find someone to talk too irl. Recovery and happiness is possible.

www.carolynspring.com/product-category/psychoeducational-resources/

Everything @DeadWeightLifted wrote makes good sense.
You might consider writing down what you’ve put on here and taking it to your GP. State that you want therapy but need it on nhs. Once you’re at that point maybe explore family therapy
I’m sorry you had such a shit childhood

Adult children esp young adult children can be absolute dickheads, and love a bit of parent bashing.

I wouldn't take it personally, I'd take it with a hefty pinch of salt

Re your family of origin , dysfunctional and you seem to ge Low contact, extremely low contact or no contact would be the way to go. They're clearly not capable of changing, that proved that. Why waste your precious time on them.

The old acquaintance - many people are selfish and exploitative; unfortunately it's easier to trip over one of them than a decent, unselfish non user type if person because there are so many of them. Dint take it personally again.

You've achieved a tremendous amount and your life is not a mess.

To everyone, whether you have written on this thread or you are lurking, if you too experienced a shit childhood, I'm so very sorry. Unless anyone knows of a way to recover entirely, it affects you forever.

Thank you for the recommendations and videos, I will work through them slowly.

To anyone who has asked; when I say that I was a 'quiet' parent, I'll give you an example: I worked, so I didn't do playground pickup every day. Also worth saying that I worked in a job whereby I had to be careful with friends - think local hospital Dr, midwife, teacher in a local selective grammar school.

Sometimes other parents did try to take advantage of my knowledge and position to gain free advice, or jump a queue. Maybe 'careful' would have been a better word to use than quiet.

When I did do pick up, I made a point of looking everyone walking past in the eye, whether parent or staff member, smiling at them and saying 'hello'. If they weren't in an obvious hurry, I might ask them a follow up question. Lots of the parents knew each other and would be in a huddle, it would have been uncomfortable to stride up to a huddle to talk to them. Other parents didn't break huddle either.

I always made a point of talking to my DC's friend's parents and building a relationship with them.

My parents - DH has himself often asked why I don't just go NC. My contact with them is low - it had been nearly 6 years since I had attended a family gathering when DH and I went to the one last month. I see my parents maybe twice a year and have little contact aside from this.

We are planning to move away as soon as we can we live near to my parents and extended family we had decided just before Covid but we were so busy that we couldn't do it during. Now our house is on the market and we are looking again.

This will sound judgey, I'm sure, but this is DC's partners parents.

They live on a fairly naice estate about 5 miles from us.

Wrt 'fun' we can be fun! E.g. we took younger DC (elder was unavailable) on holiday with their partner just before Covid. It was our first holiday all as adults and we had a great time. We drank, we ate well, we slept in the sun.

This is DC's partner's parents:

What we don't do, some recent examples: put so many Christmas lights on our house that it becomes a local attraction, cars are queued and residents can't get home. Now, I love seeing houses where they've gone all out, but I'm glad that I don't live near one! The police have asked them to turn them off at 9.30pm so that neighbours get some peace.

We do have Christmas lights, plenty of them, usually in a plain colour, all over the front of our house.

We don't hold loud parties for 100+ people in our family home. There is a court case pending about this (in response to complaints, not just from close neighbours, but from further people living streets away). We don't live near them, the police case is ongoing.

We didn't beat our son up breaking bones because he didn't get the GCSE results his parents wanted. With parent's permission the son came to stay with us for a month or so when he was released from hospital. He was as good as gold. Police & SS were involved, but he wanted to go home.

They flouted lockdowns. Again, the police were involved, again they don't care.

They do have great Christmases, and DC loves the Christmases.

This DC (our youngest)

My concern is that what seems like fun when you are 24, have left Uni & scored a good job and everything is brilliant and exciting. What seems like fun aged 24 is not going seem nearly as fun when you are 35 and you have a young family. You won't want your children to spend time around Grandparents who have a fully stocked conservatory bar, do plenty of day drinking and some lines in front of your children.

That's what fun looks like for their parents.

When DH & I were young we had plenty of fun, including the day drinking & festivals & other things.
We were @ Manchester Uni when the Hacienda was open and we went plenty, also to Ibiza just as it was becoming something, festivals, spent a year travelling etc.

I do remember young well the bits I do remember but we are boring now, because we chose to settle down and make a good home for our children before they were born.

Fun parents have bought a good home, but they are nearly 60 and still doing all of the stuff we did as kids. Where are they getting the energy ?

If you've seen the Mickey Flanagan sketch about being offered a few lines at a daytime family gathering, you'll know why me & DH watched that & said that's .

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mnw7EbaurI4&feature=youtu.be

Thank you @Tamworth123 I didn't ever know (until I became the parent of adult DCs) that yes, don't they ever love parent bashing?

I truly think that returning to therapy would be the most helpful and self-nurturing thing you could do. I sense it's not what you want to hear, and there's certainly nothing wrong with using MN as a place to vent; I don't mean to discourage you from doing that. But in my opinion, nothing compares to a quality therapist in terms of actually working through this stuff over time. The fact that you've already been in therapy doesn't mean you're done or you won't benefit from restarting. For me, therapeutic support (which started when I was about twenty, and I'm now early thirties; it's been over ten years of seeing different people) has been the only thing that's helped me to salvage some quality of life. I'm not "fixed" or totally okay, or completely over my trauma. But the insight and progress and self compassion has been and continues to be very, very worthwhile.

I think that sadly the NHS approach fosters an impression of therapy as being time limited, whereas in reality, for many people with complex trauma it's better to look at it as an ongoing need, possibly with some breaks during better periods.

@DeadWeightLifted of course I want a relationship that meets our DCs needs.

To some extent though, we think that if they really are adults maybe it's time that they met us, if not half way, then part of the way?

If they are adults then let's have an adult conversation, come to an agreement which suits everyone, not just them, not just us.

If they are children, that's how we will treat them.

Where are we wrong here?

Post about eldest DC coming up...

@Innocenta I hear you.
I'm not against a return to therapy, but I hope you can understand that I am wary because of my recent experience with the counsellor who reported me as actively suicidal.

I'm not actively suicidal and I wasn't at the time, the question she asked me was 'have you ever considered suicide?' My answer was truthful.

She didn't ask me 'are you currently suicidal?' To which I would have answered 'no'.

Yes, I think your wariness is totally understandable. This has also been a huge concern of mine in the past and something that I have taken huge pains to navigate with various practitioners. I don't want to get into any detail about my own situation as I think it would be unhelpful, but I truly do see why this having happened would make you feel massively reluctant to return to therapy.

No one can blame you for finding that a horrible experience, it sounds like they handled it terribly.

Eldest DC:

Eldest DC is almost the opposite end of the spectrum from youngest.

Eldest DC is overwrought because:
• They have a demanding career, whereby they have chosen to take a particular hurdle for future gain - think bar exams, hospital residency or similar. So a very demanding point of their career.
• DC does not have to take this hurdle now.
• Additionally, DC & spouse have recently given birth to their first child. Surprise! It was twins.
• DC and spouse are not seeing much of each other, or spending much time together.
• DC and family are not having any time off together, let alone holidays.

We have offered DC and spouse support.
We have offered to:
• Stay locally (a long term rent etc) so that we can help with the twins.
• Pay for help with the twins in the evenings - or any time.
• We have spoken to the spouse (we are close enough, it's not strange).
• Buy them a holiday of their choice at any time, for however long (we wouldn't go)!

We are trying to listen to DC and their spouse. But DC is so exhausted and emotionally pushed and pulled in every direction that - we think - they are actually mentally ill, although we wouldn't share that with them, obviously.
When I described them as 'overwrought' they are in such a state that DC cannot manage to have a chitchat conversation about anything, not even 'how are the twins?' Without them screaming, shouting, crying etc.

We're trying to do our best for them without overstepping.

But they are adults and sometimes as parents you have to stand back and hope for the best.

Hang on, there's two parents for every kid.
Why is your DH escaping the wrath of your young adult DC who's coming in and kicking off to you?
Is your DH a fun guy and a big mixer, with tons of friends?
"DH thinks that DC felt able to bully me in the same way the rest of my family treated me." Nice bit of deflection by DH away from himself then, eh?
He's 50% responsible if your kid had a 'quiet' childhood.

Your DH, instead of asking for evidence from DC about the extent of your 'failings' should have said 'do not speak to your mother like that. No one in this house taught you to speak to another person like that. I'd like you to apologise'.
But no, your DH starts asking them to elaborate.
The woman in the house is being blamed while the man gets off lightly and is being treated like royalty. Does that ring a bell?
My hunch is that the DC could be angry with their Dad but you are the safer target. Do not take this sort of crap personally from your angry child. Don't tolerate it either. Ignore the content of what they are saying but challenge the context of you being insulted in your own house. You deserve respect just like anyone else.
Don't get take bait of you being 'dysfunctional' for whatever reason, either past family stuff or not - it's bullshit.
And challenge your DH for even considering that it might be true. Like I said, he's neatly deflecting the shit from himself.
Your DC felt able to bully you because your DH stands by while you are being bullied. Maybe the DC are not DH's kids, but still - who stands by and watches another person get insulted?
You talk like a single parent.
If you can, go back for more therapy, someone who is trained in psychodynamic. It'll help no matter what. Best of luck with it.

We are trying to listen to eldest DC, but for every moment that we spend on the phone they say that they are so pushed for time that they can't have a conversation. And then spend 10 minutes on the phone shouting, screaming and crying etc.

I'm tempted to contact their GP because DC is clearly unwell. However, I should discuss this with their spouse first but their spouse is - of course - going to speak to DC. I'm sure that DC will be vehemently against this and their spouse will - rightly - go with what DC says. The problem is that I think that DC is dangerously close, if not actually at, what used to be called a breakdown.

Have you talked to your children about what happened to you as a child?. It might help them understand you, and how you are with them.

I had a very abusive childhood. Every kind of abuse. I'm 50 now and I've lost count of how many years of therapy I've had, I think therapy is something I'll need on and off forever. Like yourself it's only my dh who truly understands me. He's the greatest man who shown me so much patience.

My older children have found their own upbringing difficult as I find it very difficult to be affectionate physically. I don't like strangers in my home so there were no sleepovers, parties etc. I showed my love for them by spoiling them in ways like they never had to do a thing around the house etc,i basically doted on them in my own way. I'm divorced from their father and weekends with him were fun, socialising, parties and friends. They resented that they came home to me at times I feel.

When they were old enough I told them more about my own upbringing and told them I am sorry that effected the way I bought them up. That bought us closer together. I'm very close to all my children now but I still can't hug without forcing myself. It makes me so sad. But they understand. And they know if I'm needed I'm there for them, physically sorting issues. But I'm not very good at anything emotional as I shut down.

I hate that what happened to me still has this weird hold over me.

Hope things improve for you op x

No @Felicity42, if anything DH is more introverted than I am. Their Father died when both DCs were very small, we were already splitting up...DC1 has very little memory of him. Youngest has no memory of him.

DH1's parents blamed me for his death. It was a road accident over 100 miles from my home, he wasn't on the way to or from my house and hadn't spoken to me in days.

As a result, DH1's parents refused to have anything further to do with their Grandchildren.

They call DH Dad.

DH did try to get involved in DC's outburst though, as adults, we are trying to treat them both like adults. Which is why DH was asking DC questions. He would ask DC a question then say 'but why do you think like that?' And DH's why questions kept going until DC got stressed and rounded on me.