TRIGGER WARNING - I was sexually abused as a child and my life is a mess.

[CantTellNeedHelp]

As the title says, I was abused as a child. I'm now middle aged and I'm a mess.

I'm not sure who can help me or how.

I was born in the 1970s & the abuse started when I was very young.

Although my parents weren't the abusers, though they too were abusive and I have always been the family scapegoat, insulted, belittled and treated with contempt.

For reasons which should now be clear, I have never felt that I could tell my parents what was happening or what had happened, not even when I was very small.

That said, there were physical signs of the abuse: I had severe, unexplained kidney problems, which were investigated at hospital, I was having regular bouts of cystitis throughout my childhood and unexplained bleeding.

My parents are very middle class and very significant in their community. Back in those days that would have been a smokescreen for health professionals, police and other people in authority who may have had a 'hang on a minute here' moment if I had come from less 'respectable' origins. The family GP was a family friend we saw regularly.

Over the years I have at various points in time I have reported this to the police. I was always dismissed. Now the person who abused me would be unable to hurt anyone else. My life is as settled as it will ever be and I wouldn't want to take a hatchet to my life, as it would only be me who would be affected.

I have 2 DCs, both adults who have graduated and left home.

I'm think that I'm feeling especially bad lately for a few reasons:

In February we had a family get together, my DH and I rarely go to these, this time we went and they all treated me appallingly.

An old friend of mine got back in touch, great, I'm lonely because I don't trust easily. Within 2 days of chatting on social media it was clear that the former friend didn't want to speak to me at all. She wanted DD's details because DD does something that would be useful to the former friend.

DC1 has a demanding schedule, I think that they have taken on too much. This weekend DC1 told me that I was an abysmal person, abusive and a terrible parent. When DH probed how I was abusive it came down to the fact that I'm an introvert. I used to take them to play dates and extra curricular activities but I didn't mix with the other adults. DC felt that they lost out on chances because I didn't mix, even though I took great care to enable DC to mix. DC was very angry with me. As I say, DC is both overwrought and came to the recent family gathering. DH thinks that DC felt able to bully me in the same way the rest of my family treated me.

The other DC isn't having much to do with us. Not visiting, not contacting us or responding to contact. They have a partner they are living with. The partner has 'fun' parents who hold big house parties, invite 20 for Christmas their house isn't very big! and that DC is resentful because we, and specifically me aren't 'fun'.

I'm feeling insulted, rejected and resented by everyone except for DH.

There is no help for survivors of abuse who are my age in my area. If I was under 25 there would be help.

I'm depressed, at least, I suspect that I am. I'm WFH part time, I spend most of my days in tears. DH is kind but he doesn't understand.

In truth, I don't know what I want from this. I know that I need help.

Apologies that this is long.
Writing it down has helped.

Of note is the fact that DCs have learned from my parents to take their anger and frustration out on me.

I mean, it doesn’t sound like your DC are angry that you aren’t ‘fun’. It sounds like their father is dead and they spent their childhood around your abusive family. Are you sure they weren’t victims themselves?

Your DC picked another abusive family to marry into as well.

I’m not sure you are really listening to their complaints.

@DeadWeightLifted please see my post above, whilst not a complete answer to your questions it answers a lot of them.

DC1 in conversation I have asked 'how can we help?' But DC just winds themselves into a frenzy. I think that DC does need help.

You

books.google.co.uk/books/about/What_Happened_to_You.html?id=ICsNEAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=1&redir_esc=y

books.google.co.uk/books/about/What_Happened_to_You.html?id=ICsNEAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=1&redir_esc=y

@bluedodecagon neither DC has married into an abusive family.

DC1's iLs are lovely, very supportive and helpful. I think the spouse is trying to allow DC to make their own decisions about their life.

DC2 isn't married.

Neither of my DCs were abused by my family. Mine have always been the golden children, they can do no wrong. Even when they had more DGCs, my parents always preferred my DCs. It was obvious to all.

You had good therapy for 5 years. That is a long time. Do you feel you made progress? Resolution? What more do you think therapy now could offer you? In what direction, could you go? What is left to resolve?
If you can answer that, you have a starting point for future therapy.

Also @bluedodecagon, we didn't spend my DC's childhood near my parents. We lived at the other end of the country, we might spend a week or two a year splitting our time between my family and DH's family.

Please for the love of God do not phone the GP on your grown adult child who is happily married. If you think they’re struggling, speak to them or their partner.

Also you don’t get to decide how they view their childhood. Their experiences are valid. What you do get is to help them see your side and probably meet in the middle.

Well with all you've said, your DCs problems may have a lot less to do with you than you think, and more to do with existing issues and the pressure of adulting. Even more reason not to blame yourself or your past.
But because of your own struggles it's understandable how fragile you might be at times.

Hi OP I’m afraid I have no advice on the current DC situation- because I have only one DC (one stillborn) who is severely disabled and wouldn’t understand that I’m f@caked up and so on.
I just wanted to address the part of your OP re the abuse in your past.
I’ve been subject to sexual abuse as a child by my grandfather. That in and of itself wasn’t the biggest problem- it was the fact that both my parents and my adult aunt (as well as my innocent siblings) were present and they stood by and said nothing. My mother continued to worship that hateful man all her life (he’s long dead and I was the only grandchild not at the funeral but even that didn’t raise a question).
And I’ve always been the one close (my) family and DH’s family dismiss as crazy/abusive (I am usually very quiet and private but can be very extrovert at times and only ever bubbly).
I’ve had counselling for years to give me emotional support to live (also had a recent sexual assault matter (almost 3 years ago) by a hospital doctor that sent me absolutely spiralling). Only EMDR therapy really helped. And that only ended a week ago.
I suspect it’s a lifelong on/off with therapy to ease it.
But your DC don’t need to know- not right now - if they are stressed etc.
I’d say just be mindful that you might be placing more weight on what they say and do re you because (of course) you know.
Also - you are probably hardwired (as I am) to be a rescuer… try a therapist that knows how to help you ease off that!
Good luck OP

@SometimesRavenSometimesParrot if I have said that my DCs had 'good' childhoods my meaning is good childhoods in comparison to mine.

And 'do not phone the GP on' my adult DC? This isn't telling in school. If you had spoken to them recently then you too would be very concerned about them.

If I speak directly to their spouse, someone will come on to say that I'm interfering in their marriage. In fact, I have spoken to the spouse but been intentionally vague. The spouse was like a pressure cooker, they began to cry. When they could speak they said that they are very concerned about my DC, GDC and they are also concerned for their own marriage.

Spouse said that DC is not able to look after anyone, least of all themselves, at the moment. Spouse is also worried that DC will have an accident, on the road, in the home or at work.

I asked spouse what they wanted me to do? They began to cry again and, through the tears they said that they didn't know what to do.

Where have I said that I have said to either of my DCs 'don't be silly, you had a good childhood, pull yourself together?'

In my first post I did say that DH & I recently had a conversation with eldest DC about why they had a shit childhood. We had a conversation with that DC and it came down to the fact that I was an introvert.
I have also explained 'how' and partly 'why' I was an introvert.
Having a Mum who doesn't join in the playground gossip parents? That's not childhood abuse.
DC didn't have any other examples of abuse and, calmer by then, DC apologised for saying that I was abusive.

@Felicity42 thank you. That's what we think, we probably didn't force them to be independent enough early enough on.

@Blue4YOU I am so, so sorry about your baby. Please do tell me about them, on this thread or by PM, I would love to hear about them.
I wish you love, strength and happiness.

Yes, I'm a rescuer. Even my job is a rescuers job!

The behaviour of the family members who knew is awful, reading that made me feel so angry on your behalf.

I want to go and tell them exactly what I think of them all (there goes the rescuer again ). Joking aside, it is inexcusable and makes me burn with fury for you.

You're correct I think when you say that therapy for people like you and I is probably an on-again-off-again lifelong process. Something will work for a while - and then it doesn't.

I wish you all of the kindness in the world. Don't be hard on yourself, take care, please. I'm sending you strength.

OP - sending all the love right back to you. I’m angry on your behalf too

[quote CantTellNeedHelp]@bluedodecagon neither DC has married into an abusive family.

DC1's iLs are lovely, very supportive and helpful. I think the spouse is trying to allow DC to make their own decisions about their life.

DC2 isn't married.

Neither of my DCs were abused by my family. Mine have always been the golden children, they can do no wrong. Even when they had more DGCs, my parents always preferred my DCs. It was obvious to all. [/quote]
You said that DC’s partner’s parents were abusive.

We didn't beat our son up breaking bones because he didn't get the GCSE results his parents wanted. With parent's permission the son came to stay with us for a month or so when he was released from hospital. He was as good as gold. Police & SS were involved, but he wanted to go home.

That’s abuse but you described that as them being “fun”. I don’t think you know what a non abusive childhood looks like.

And treating children as a golden child is also abuse. It’s emotional abuse.

Finally, Sexual abuse can happen in one or two weeks a year and at any minor age. You took your children to stay with a group of sexual abuser justifiers at best, abusers at worst. Certain nothing happened?

Maybe they can’t say openly why they are so angry. Go tell them about the sexual abuse you suffered. I bet you they will then tell you a similar story. Will you still be patting yourself on the back then? Probably not.

Just to really hammer this home: you mentioned how your DC’s partner’s parents beat their son up in passing whilst discussing their tacky fairy lights. You put “not to judge”.

Your childhood has given you a very warped perspective on what abuse is. I would be stunned if your children haven’t suffered seriously but can sense that you won’t really want to hear it.

First of all, you came good with your DH, and I’m glad he gets it and is so supportive.

Its hard when the initial abuse, which might be recovered from and even forgiven, is then compounded by continued maltreatment and , as you say, contemptuous attitudes well into adulthood.

Always remember the contempt they express is there to put you in the wrong in their kinds to exonerate them for being bystanders.

Siblings are a tough one when they go along with it, and comes with its particular kind of hurt. If the parents are ‘comfortable’ this compounds things because siblings can easily be bribed and kept dependent on certain resources to ensure their compliance and continued ill treatment of you into adulthood.

Things may ease for you when the elders die.

@CantTellNeedHelp you’ve had a horrible time.

You’ve said that your job is a rescuers job, I think it’s quite common for those of us in these roles to be able to help others but not ourselves, I’m not sure if you agree? What would you tell someone who had just confided this situation to you?

Your children will find their own way in life, you don’t need to fix them even though you really want to make everything better. Dc lashed out at you because they could, they feel able to offload onto you which to me shows that you are a good mother. They feel that they can chuck accusations at you and know you won’t leave them. It’s not great for you obviously!

How old is the youngest? Wanting to be around cool parents seems like fun when you are a young adult but it won’t last.

Your relationship with your parents sounds almost like self harm, you feel that you should have a relationship with them even if it’s very minimal because you want them to be people that they won’t ever be.

It sounds very much like you are almost grieving the relationship with your dc and the fairytale of who you want/need your parents to be.

@Londondreams1 thank you, everything you've said is correct.

Many years ago, my Dad was being horrible to me in front of one of his friends - and the friend defended me. I was so pitifully grateful.

@TabithaTittlemouse absolutely I agree that people get into rescuers jobs often because they need rescuing themselves.

I know that I can't make everything alright for my, now adult, DCs. In part I think that this is the siren call of empty nesters everywhere, if you've been a good parent they will grow up to lead happy, productive, independent lives. OTOH weren't they toddlers only yesterday? And that urge to keep them safe is undiminished. I know that I can't actually keep them safe, it doesn't stop me wanting to though.

@TabithaTittlemouse I cut my post off too soon.

It wasn't my initial reaction but yes, in lashing out they are expressing their frustration safely.

My youngest is 24. I'm sure that the 'cool' parents won't appeal forever, when they need stability and a sensible parent they will be back.

Again you are right I think and DH says that too - that my relationship with my parents is like self abuse.

We made our family home at one end of the country. I'd always wanted to come back to my birth county, which is what we did about 6 years ago. DH's condition, as he couldn't hold me off any longer, was that we keep a small house in the area we had left.

No prizes for guessing that DH was absolutely correct, we have put our house in my birth county up for sale, we are moving back to the small house and will buy another larger house in our adopted area once the sale of the big house has gone through.

DH has always been supportive and done his best not to interfere in my relationship with my family. Having seen it all at such close quarters, DH's opinion now is that I should be NC with my family. He's right.

Absolutely, I'm grieving my empty nest, my relationship with my parents and the childhood that I was denied.

@CantTellNeedHelp - just letting you know that when my parents died, I actually spiraled. They were extremely abusive and mum (the last to go) was the worst of the two. Her favouritism of my brother was reflected in the will. (He inherited most and it was tied up in trusts so I couldn’t afford to contest it.) Anyhow, I went into a deep depression - I grieved for the kind of loving parents I never had. I grieved for the help I never had. I was angry and helpless. There were no Disney-style resolutions or closures… They didn’t mellow. They got worse. I compared how they were with me and how I feel about my own kids. It was awful.