What is wrong with me? Damned if he does/ damned if he doesn't

[yankeedoodledandeee]

Please help me process this confusion I feel.
I've been going through a really difficult time over the last few months. All
Related to my kids, divorce and general
Stress.
I have a partner of nearly two years. He has also been going through a terrible time and our precious and limited time together has been impacted by us each being upset and frustrated by all events.

We simply cannot see each other as much as we did which was every weekend for a variety of reasons, both by mutual agreement.

We need time apart as we are both sad, srtressed and in my case, back on therapy. We now see each other every second weekend and not for the whole weekend as we were used to.

While I know this is the right decision made
by is both , I am sad that this area of
Our lives ,that brought both of us such happiness and an escape from the reality, has reduced so much.
Under normal circumstances, he would be joining me and my friends for a dinner and drinks at the weekend and I would be joining him on a junket.

We always had our routine at weekends where we would not leave either home until the last minute. Now we leave early afternoon, to meet family or friends or have alone time to sort out practicalities.
I love my own rare personal time so I can't understand why I feel so sad about this.

We do believe that when life, for both of our kids and our personal circumstances change,we will revert to our usual contact and time together. For now though, it feels simply sad.
Please explain why , when I know that this is the right thing for our future, I feel almost nostalgic and sad.

Did you post about this a couple of weeks back?

No this is my first post about this issue.
Have you any opinion on why I am sad? I've no one to talk to about how or why I feel like this today.

You're sad because you want to spend more time with him. Just because it's the right decision doesn't stop you missing it.

Everything in me wants to spend more time with him yet he has gone home early
to see family and friends that he could see any day of the week.I feel somewhat rejected even though this space is exactly what I need and suggested , right now. Perhaps I'm grieving what we had and worry we will never have it again.

It seems like not seeing him is causing you some stress and sadness, could you review your (joint) decision to check that it really is the right one, and not just the easiest?

That's an option and we will talk again about where we're going. This evening though, I feel upset and disappointed.
So many events will be happening soo n that we would have enjoyed together but we won't. Leaving so early was the real
Reminder of how things have changed. We always waited until the last minute to leave each other prior to now. And it was he who wanted to leave and I think he knows by my reaction that I was hurt and sad.

He has since rang to say what a wonderful time we had together and how he felt we really needed it. I couldn't even respond appropriately. I didn't know what to say.

Can you carve out any other alone time in the time you're not with him so you have the whole weekend? Or eo of the eo weekend have the whole weekend.

Or always plan something nice so you're excited to say goodbye and get on with your plans.

I do need to keep busy as I have a habit of overthinking.
All I can think about right now is that he left to go home to people he sees every day or can see every day rather than stay around relaxing for the extra few hours.
He wanted to go and do his thing which is fine but it's a new thing for us.

Thanks everybody for allowing me to process my feelings btw .

I can be prone to over reacting and creating hassle when there is no need for that.

Why do you think you need alone time? Maybe you need to be with him more not less

I have a complex family life at the moment and it all got on top of me hence the therapy again.
I need to sleep.. he's an insomniac. I need to organise my home and be at home for my children who are at home more often now. I am mentally and physically drained and when we are together, I get nothing done. It's a time thing for me and yet when I had some hours today, he left to go home.It's not a complaint. It's what we decided but it hurts like hell. Maybe I'm over reacting ?

Am I overthinking this or being overly sensitive ?

Sweet, this does sound complex and difficult. It also sounds as though time might make it easier, in that some of the time-sharing conflicts might resolve. Can you make up for the lost time physically together by texting or talking more? I say this as someone who has spent at least 7 years of my long relationship long-distance: focus on the time you are together. Clear the decks, make it about you both. I know you miss having him around, and I know you're sensitive to the time he is spending with others. But do try to aim at a relationship of independent souls who love to interact, and thrive from that interaction, but know and accept it can't always happen. When he's not there, try to live a full life, full of things; don't languish in being sorry he's not there. When he is there, live it to the fullest! And while you're living it to the fullest, rejoice that you're not one of those couples who is forever in each other's company, and yet are not interesting, do nothing interesting, and aren't interested in each other.

Thank you. That was such a sweet and kind post. I needed it tonight. Right now I feel like texting him and saying that I am sad because of the obvious regression in our relationship and that I am
Hurt that he left for no good reason.
As I mentioned, we had so much to look forward to but that's gone and I feel that I've nothing to look forward to.
I have a fulll and varied life but today I felt cheapened if that makes sense. We had a wonderful morning languishing in bed, went for a walk, I cooked a lovely dinner and then he left . He adores me. I know that but I'm beginning to feel like the rules have been rewritten and things will never be the same .

I don't understand why you are upset about him giving you space when you told him that you wanted that. It's a bit unfair. He is following your wishes.

If you have changed your mind tell him.

Could your feelings be coming from a past experience of abandonment or anxiety?

I know I'm a hypocrite. We both acknowledged that we needed to pull back a bit because things had become so overwhelming.
We love each other very much and talk about our future.
I am frustrated I suppose.My kids obviously come first but sadly that means that I literally have no personal time anymore and God knows , we all need that.

So many lovely events coming up that we had planned but we won't be in a position to go.
ProbBly mourning the loss of the previous dynamic and sad that that personal time and happiness have gone, for the foreseeable future.
It seems ridiculous today that I was upset that he left earlier than he previously did, but it did trigger something in me.
I definitely have abandonment issues but am making headway with therapy atm.
Thanks for the flowers 💐

Sounds like codependent rather than abandonment OP. Well codependency because of abandonment. I also base my self worth off of a partner. Did it for years without realising. Hope therapy goes well.

What is that?

We simply cannot see each other as much as we did which was every weekend for a variety of reasons, both by mutual agreement

You've agreed to a situation that doesn't meet your needs. He's not offering you what you need, and you've agreed to do it his way, so it looks like it's your joint way, but it isn't.

Could you plan some weekends away to have something to look forward to? Sorry if that's not helpful due to finances though.

@Watchkeys we both agreed to a situation that doesn't meet either of our personal needs, because of events that are out of our control at the moment .
It was actually me who suggested this initially and we are very much on the same page but it hurts.

Our personal needs are on the back burner at the moment.

Have you read “Attached”? I think it might help.

Everything in me wants to spend more time with him yet he has gone home early to see family and friends that he could see any day of the week

Surely once you've agreed to see less of one another temporarily, by mutual agreement, and to cater to both of your needs, it's up to him to see or do what he likes once you're not together? I mean, is what you're wanting more of a performance of regret and reluctance from him as he leaves? Is the issue that what you need to do once he leaves is practical stuff to do with your children and he's going to socialise with friends and family -- so he gets 'fun' time alone, but you don't, and you want him to acknowledge that you've lost more in this seeing one another less arrangement?

@PleaseBeSeated Absolutely not. I think I'm just sad that we can't have what we once had right now, and I miss it and us.