What is wrong with me? Damned if he does/ damned if he doesn't

[yankeedoodledandeee]

Please help me process this confusion I feel.
I've been going through a really difficult time over the last few months. All
Related to my kids, divorce and general
Stress.
I have a partner of nearly two years. He has also been going through a terrible time and our precious and limited time together has been impacted by us each being upset and frustrated by all events.

We simply cannot see each other as much as we did which was every weekend for a variety of reasons, both by mutual agreement.

We need time apart as we are both sad, srtressed and in my case, back on therapy. We now see each other every second weekend and not for the whole weekend as we were used to.

While I know this is the right decision made
by is both , I am sad that this area of
Our lives ,that brought both of us such happiness and an escape from the reality, has reduced so much.
Under normal circumstances, he would be joining me and my friends for a dinner and drinks at the weekend and I would be joining him on a junket.

We always had our routine at weekends where we would not leave either home until the last minute. Now we leave early afternoon, to meet family or friends or have alone time to sort out practicalities.
I love my own rare personal time so I can't understand why I feel so sad about this.

We do believe that when life, for both of our kids and our personal circumstances change,we will revert to our usual contact and time together. For now though, it feels simply sad.
Please explain why , when I know that this is the right thing for our future, I feel almost nostalgic and sad.

@Waterfordaston Thanks . I'll find it.

I think he’s trying his best to stick to your agreement, and perhaps didn’t want to assume that just because you had some unexpected free time, that you would want to spend it with him?
I sympathise with much of what you’ve said - I really struggled post-lockdown, etc. to get back into ‘real’ life and the restrictions on spending time with my BF that brought, as in the majority of our founding months we were spoilt with free time and opportunities to be together. When circumstances changed, it was tough and I sometimes felt like less of a priority - it hurt but I came to recognise that it wasn’t personal, just ‘real life’ and we adapted 💐

[quote yankeedoodledandeee]@PleaseBeSeated Absolutely not. I think I'm just sad that we can't have what we once had right now, and I miss it and us.[/quote]
Which is understandable, but your third post on this thread suggests it's more than that? That you're feeling actively rejected by him leaving early, even though you were the one who suggested seeing one another less?

@Spitspatspot I'm so pleased to hear that because the end of restrictions have added to the stress and we found it hard to navigate the relationship also.
I think we are both trying to stick to our agreement but we really dont want to but understand that we are not each others priority in our downtime anymore, for lots of reasons , so it's quite the change for us.

All our free time was spent together which was naturally limited , often in the company of friends and family, but we were able to prioritise each other then.

To add, I also have abandonment issues, for very good reasons which I'm exploring with my therapist at the moment.

Can anyone recommend a book that might support me? I've got "Attached" and "The body keeps score" in the basket right now.

Its really important that you are both clear with each other about how you feel. He may be leaving because that's what you said you wanted, but you assume that he is going because he wants to. Perhaps he is really sad to be leaving. If you decide that this is the appropriate thing to do now, you're still allowed to miss him (and he you). It is also often the case that what seems like a good plan in theory doesn't survive the test of reality. There's no shame in changing it if it doesn't work.

So, be honest, be open about how you feel and ask him how he feels. At the moment you're assuming the worst; so if you ask him it can't get any worse but it may be better. Review where you are, what is good and what isn't and explore possible solutions together - not discounting the importance of your feeling

I really don't understand this I have to be honest. If neither of you want to spend less time together, then... don't reduce the time you spend together? Unless there is another tangible thing taking away your time that you haven't mentioned, like you now have to go and care for an elderly relative at certain times, for example, then it really doesn't seem like this arrangement is doing you any good. If things were good before then why can't you continue like that? If you were sitting around pining for him in your free time after he left, that isn't a good use of your free time to do other things, is it? You said you used to see each other every weekend, why can't you go back to that and use evenings during the week to do personal/life admin/catching up with friends/family things?

@TedMullins that's what we used to do but we are not free to that extent anymore for
Many reasons not least our kids needs and change in circumstances.
I think we're trying to navigate a new normal and I'm struggling with it.

I’ve just finished ‘A Manual for Heartache’, which may sound over the top for what you’re experiencing, but it is a really gentle read about how to deal with sadness (of all kinds) in your life - it’s helped me feel less alone with my feelings

@Spitspatspot thanks for that recommendation.
I've ordered Attached and The body
Keeps score. A pp recommended attached .. thank you..
And I heard the latter is excellent.

Get codependent no more OP.

The body keeps the score is a free pdf and also if you youtube it Van der Kolk gives talks on his book. Really informative. Dr snipes on YouTube gives great presentations around abandonment and codependent issues.

Codependency is where you (I don't know if you do or not) lose yourself in a relationship and base your happiness on your happiness in the relationship and their happiness with you. So say you had a green carpet that you absolutely loved and they hated. Codependent people would start worrying that their partner doesn't like the green carpet and eventually get rid of it thus being consumed with their partners likes. Or if a weekend happened like your weekend they would be very upset that their partner seemed to want to see his friends more than see them and feel hurt. I would also feel hurt, but its a distorted thought.

I'm really struggling to understand what you actually want. You had an agreement to spend less time together. He left but you were actually free. He'd already made plans. Sounds reasonable to me.
Are you absolutely certain this arrangement is what you want/need? Was he full on with agreement or even steered it that way? Did you make a rash decision in hindsight?
All changes take a while to get used to I guess but if you think you've made a mistake then talk to him about it.

This arrangement is what I need but not what I want. I cannot commit to more time at the moment and neither can he.

Understanding that what we need isn't the same as what we want is part of adulting, @yankeedoodledandeee. Nobody enjoys not eating the whole tub of ice cream. Many people feel miserable about having to go to work. There's nothing unusual in wishing things could be different; we're all doing it, to some extent.

Why do you think that the fact you're doing the same as everyone else means there's something wrong with you? That's more the issue, really. Not the unhappiness that you have to spend time apart, but the self criticism.

Is it to do with the fact that you agreed and he seems lighthearted about spending time apart, when you're taking it hard? Because that's a different issue.

OP, it sounds as if things are being complicated by many posters suggesting this is co dependence etc when actually it’s far simpler than that.

Ultimately, the dynamic of your relationship has changed. Where you were a part of each other’s lives, each other’s friendship groups, each other’s families etc you no longer are, and because of circumstances you have no idea when, or even if that will change.

Even if the reasons for spending less time together are because of your life circumstances, it’s still like a breakup in that the relationship you had is no longer there.

The question is, can you get it back? And if not any time in the near future, is a part time relationship what you want in the long-term.

Because as difficult as this is, if you have no way of being together and being apart is making you sad, it might be better to walk away now before you both get more hurt than you already are.

To all intents and purposes you’re not really together now, not in the same way. And if that can’t change then you have to ask yourself whether this new relationship is what you want, or whether you should perhaps just both walk away because of your life circumstances.

only you know the answer to that, and it’s never an easy one. But this relationship as it currently is is no longer making you happy.

He's cheerfully respecting your wishes. Would you prefer him to be really upset? How would that help?

@AlternativePerspective makes some excellent points. I too think codependency isn’t the issue here - it’s the loss of elements of your relationship that you really valued through no fault of either party.
It’s tricky, and I completely understand your sadness about it.
I’d keep communications open with your partner, OP, and think ahead / plan for times when things may change again, if you can - and make the most of the time you do have together x