How to cope with 'hot cold'

[calzonie]

I think I already know the answer to this deep down, but in my denial I'm coming for advice.

Seeing someone for just over a month. I really like him. He's not great at texting - but this has always been consistent. If we are texting, he always replies quite quickly and he never ignores. And I mean never. He always has to have the last word, even if it's pointless. If he's left me with nothing to reply to, he will very rarely start a new conversation if I don't reply. One time I left him to it and he ended up messaging 3 days later, simply to arrange plans. So I get the impression he's not really a 'chit chat' texter unless I'm initiating it. I had convinced myself he was never going to talk to me that week and had been in tears.

Sometimes, this can make me feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going. I don't know if I'm ever going to hear from him again etc. Sometimes, he comes to see me and is so chatty and caring in person that the texting doesn't make me feel insecure.

Last week, he prioritised spending time with me over plans with friends, he spoke very openly about not seeing others, and there was lots of reference to 'next time' we see each other. It felt fine. Then this week just gone it's been like getting blood out of a stone. I gave up trying. Once again thought that was it and felt really crappy but 5 days later he popped back up. We chatted and then I left the conversation at that as I was feeling a bit fed up and confused from him being so cold. I woke up to a load of missed calls and him asking if I'm ok. I said sorry I was asleep, he's just replied bluntly..no problem

I have some friends telling me perhaps he is just not very forward, that if his actions show he likes me then I should just be a little more forward. I have others telling me what I suspect is likely to be true, that he's messing with my head and to ignore him.

I sound ridiculous, but I just don't have the willpower to ignore him. So I don't know where to go from here. I try and take a step back, but he just pops back up a few days down the line and I start getting bothered again, so that doesn't work. It's really starting to bring me down at the moment, and I feel so silly.

Block him. Find someone else. You should never have to learn to cope with your relationship.

Why are you giving this person any of your time?. Why are your boundaries in relationships so low here that you state you do not have the willpower to ignore him?. Is this really because of some innate conditioning that says that women need to be nice?. Is this hot/cold treatment from him all you think you deserve?. You owe this man nothing, let alone a relationship here.

Do read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood.

Oh come on now op. It's only been a month. And he's a fanny. Just block him and delete his number. It really is a no brainer.

I hate text convos too so I tell ppl I'm dating early on that when we meet they'll have all my attention but not to expect much in the way of texting (obv I will respond if they message me) in-between. Has he made this clear with you? If so and if this was the only issue then id say - it seems you are just incompatible.

If not and if there are also issues in person or with communication overall, as it seems, he's a knob and it's time to call it a day.

If you can't both communicate your needs and make one another feel secure then it's doomed.

I've been through this and it made me ill!
He's either got a couple of you on the go at the same time or he's just not as bothered by the communication as you are. Which means you aren't compatible if that is important to you and you get upset by lack of it.
I think this early on, he should be really keen to chat/ask how you are/your day is going etc.
Not leave it 3 and 5 days before he gets in touch.
Message him, explain how you feel then say that for that reason you can't see the relationship going anywhere.
Block him, and move on. Get online dating/out with friends etc.
Honestly, from experience please do NOT let this carry on. He won't ever change.

I would also add that you seem rather over invested for a month in. Being in tears over the idea that someone you barely know might not be in touch. In the kindest possible way, it sounds like you might not be in the best place for a relationship right now.

You yourself eill know if he is bringing on insecurities that were never there before or if this has been a recurring issue for you. But if its the later, some counciling might be wise before beginning dating anyone again.

I don’t think you should hold your own texting style as the standard for somebody else’s. If it’s making you feel insecure, then maybe you should explore that, as it says more about you than him (assuming it’s, as yet, the only issue). It’s easy to love bomb by text, it’s also easy to create a false sense of intimacy by text. It’s harder to do all the things in person that he sounds like he’s doing: following up on plans, being consistent with your dates, being respectful and attentive in person. At the end of the day, a future relationship will be formed of what you have created in person, not by texting.

I think by the time you’ve been dating exclusively for a few months, then texty check ins and phone calls are to be expected. But only after a few weeks? Not so much.

You're reading far too much into his texting style. Many men often see texting as a purely functional and brief exchange of communication whilst you seem to want to make it much more emotional. It's how he is in person that matters, not what you read into how he texts.

@BaggingTheWainwrights

You're reading far too much into his texting style. Many men often see texting as a purely functional and brief exchange of communication whilst you seem to want to make it much more emotional. It's how he is in person that matters, not what you read into how he texts.

Haha I wish I could find one of those men. Texting for me should be reserved for arranging when you are next going to meet...and giving them a heads up you are running late xD I don't want to waste my days glued to my phone (for anything other than youtube xD)

I would leave it, if he wanted a relationship he would be making more effort, seems like he quite happy more for casual dating.
Be honest, say you looking for something more than the arrangements you seem to be having, his response will tell you more.

I'm usually very quick to say move on, but in honesty I can't see what he's done wrong other than not be a chatty texter. Which you say has always been the case. He never ignores you and has prioritised you. Are limited text conversations important enough to be a deal breaker?

It doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong at all. Perhaps the two of you are just not well matched in your expectations of what texting should be like.

Thanks everyone

@pinkbonbon that is the vibe I’m getting from him, as even in the initial days he was like this. But no, he hasn’t made it clear.

If he had made it clear as you said I wouldn’t be feeling this way. For example, if we have plans in place in a couple of days, I don’t bother too much as I know we have plans. It’s when there’s nothing and he isn’t texting to make plans, I just think I’m being ghosted. It is definitely an insecurity thing.

I have noticed I seem a bit more invested than usually. I’m actually normally quite laid back, but this feels different. I don’t know if it’s because of the hot/cold. He lives quite local so we have been spending a lot of time together in the short space of time.

I think that on this occasion it feels worse than the last time. He didn’t even get in touch to make plans. He finally spoke to me again about a picture I posted. Then I continued the chat and then the phone calls.

I am in two minds about whether to suggest something tonight as we often do Sunday evenings. Then see what the vibe is like or if he even comes and go from there. But I just feel like it will be fine again and then he will do it again in a couple of weeks and I will feel crap.

This is all way too much hard work.

If this was the right guy it would feel easy but instead you're off balance and insecure.

Trust your feelings and move on. Stop trying to be something you're not.

In the early days men are usually more hot to trot. Don’t chase and leave it more to him.

You’ve only been seeing him for a month. Back off. I’d hate someone texting me all the time in the early stages. Once or twice a week or to arrange a date is plenty if everything else is good.

Do you see each other often or only Sunday eve? Why not Friday or Saturdays? If you see each other lots,then the texting might be minimal.
Does he perhaps have a high pressure job as well that warrants the limited texting?

@ScorpioTwinkle1 for the first few weeks we had been seeing each other most nights. Then after he went a bit off the first time I pulled back a bit and so we see each other about 3-4 times a week. He's round the corner so it's quite easy for us to just go and see each other for a couple of hours. But then obviously this week he's made no plans, we last saw each other last Friday. He doesn't have a high pressure job, if I text him when he is working he replies very quickly.

You see each other 4 times a week but you want him to text in between?

Easy to say but just talk to him.
I'm confident so many problems could be resolved one way or another if people just spoke more openly
Good luck

I loathe texting and don't have time for it.
If I had a boyfriend he certainly wouldn't be getting any texts from me except very basic ones.
Expecting non stop texting is very needy - it would put me right off someone.

Whatever the reason for it, his communication style makes you feel like shit. So block and move on and find someone with whom you're a better fit

Wait so...you're seeing him 3 or 4 times a week?

In that case op i wouldn't expect to text at all in-between. Like, at all.

Maybe once on one of the days.

Is the issue that he isn't making plans until the last minute? In which case tell him you'd like a bit more notice.

Yes so on a normal week when we see each other regularly as I said it doesn't bother me. But this week and the week a couple of weeks ago we didn't see each other, and he didn't text me at all! That's where my issue is, just this random disappearing.

Yeh random disappearing isn't good.

It's something players do quite a bit. Because they're seeing someone else those days.

Its also a test ran by narcissists and similar to vanish for a while and then come back and act as if nothing has happened to see if you will just sweep it under the carpet. If you do, they know you will tolerate further disrespect and boundary erosion in future.

Either way, at a month in its pribably best to call it a day. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun early on.

If you know deep down something is off and he’s not great at texting then you’re not aligned with him really.

A month in you should be wanting to see each other a lot and madly keen on each other. End it.,