How to cope with 'hot cold'

[calzonie]

I think I already know the answer to this deep down, but in my denial I'm coming for advice.

Seeing someone for just over a month. I really like him. He's not great at texting - but this has always been consistent. If we are texting, he always replies quite quickly and he never ignores. And I mean never. He always has to have the last word, even if it's pointless. If he's left me with nothing to reply to, he will very rarely start a new conversation if I don't reply. One time I left him to it and he ended up messaging 3 days later, simply to arrange plans. So I get the impression he's not really a 'chit chat' texter unless I'm initiating it. I had convinced myself he was never going to talk to me that week and had been in tears.

Sometimes, this can make me feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going. I don't know if I'm ever going to hear from him again etc. Sometimes, he comes to see me and is so chatty and caring in person that the texting doesn't make me feel insecure.

Last week, he prioritised spending time with me over plans with friends, he spoke very openly about not seeing others, and there was lots of reference to 'next time' we see each other. It felt fine. Then this week just gone it's been like getting blood out of a stone. I gave up trying. Once again thought that was it and felt really crappy but 5 days later he popped back up. We chatted and then I left the conversation at that as I was feeling a bit fed up and confused from him being so cold. I woke up to a load of missed calls and him asking if I'm ok. I said sorry I was asleep, he's just replied bluntly..no problem

I have some friends telling me perhaps he is just not very forward, that if his actions show he likes me then I should just be a little more forward. I have others telling me what I suspect is likely to be true, that he's messing with my head and to ignore him.

I sound ridiculous, but I just don't have the willpower to ignore him. So I don't know where to go from here. I try and take a step back, but he just pops back up a few days down the line and I start getting bothered again, so that doesn't work. It's really starting to bring me down at the moment, and I feel so silly.

Okay. I’m the female version of him. I just cannot be bothered with inane “how’s your day / what you up to” type chat. I’ll reply to a message but I rarely start “chats” for no real reason beyond making plans, firming up plans OR to ask how something went (eg. interview). Other than that, no. I’m like it with my friends too – text to arrange stuff then chat when we meet IRL.

If your dates are going well otherwise/in person and this is the only thing that’s bugging you, why not ask him why he doesn’t initiate chat next time you meet. It might be something as simple as different communication styles, but at least you’ll know.

Does he initiate meeting up, arrange things for you to do, etc?

(Just wondering whether he falls into the lazy category or not)

@DatingDinosaur text wise that is essentially him. If I text him, he replies within a decent time frame, he's just not very forthcoming himself, which I don't mind when we are seeing each other regularly but when he goes off for 5 days at a time without a word, it becomes problematic.

As for the lazy category, he already definitely falls into that. Without wanting to drip feed, this all started as more friends. He used to come round and nothing would happen, until one night it did. So it has never upped from house calls. However, I do work a lot, have a little girl, and my child free weekends are usually full seeing friends, so I've never pressed the issue tbh.

Does he have children? Seems a bit convenient to hang out at yours if he feels like it, but no dates or anything?

No he doesn't. But perhaps. It doesn't really bother me, I like what we have but I do sometimes feel a bit insecure that he doesn't seem to fussed either.

I think you should have a chat with him OP, just to see if you're both on the same page about the messaging and what sort of "relationship" he thinks you have.

If he's unaware that you're feeling a bit neglected then he can't do anything about it. He might think you're absolutely fine with the level of contact and interaction. Or, he might be holding back because you don't seem too keen (you mentioned you've never pressed the issue, which might come across that way to him).