Getting Ready to Leave the Love of my Life

[makegood]

How do I do this? He turned on me recently and has become a nasty c*nt. Overnight. How and why? He loved my 2 children, we spoke of marriage, wanted me forever for years, we were best friends, he was the best person I ever met. And now this.

Nothing changed, I didnt change so why has he?

Pretty certain there is no other woman. Think it might be the reality of being part of bringing up 2 children that are not his. How he has let them down.

When I first met him, he left his wife. She was outraged and turned his 2 children against him. He was broke. He has nothing. I got him out of his shitty life and made him tougher, stronger, encouraged him to believe in himself and loved him.

I'm such a fool and cannot get over how he has used me.

Some steps
-Check if you have a beneficial interest in the house (ask a solicitor)

• start claiming UC, likely on minimum wage you will be eligible to top up your salary.

• do you currently claim DLA for your disabled children? If not, go to Mencap or a similar charity and they will help you to see if you are eligible.

@GracieLouFreeebush

He finally left his wife after having given her and the children everything for 23 years. She couldn't take it and turned his children against him

Or his wife made him leave because he turned into an awful person, his kids witnessed it and don’t like him for it. He isn’t going to tell you of all the happy times they had together and paint himself to look like a dick for leaving.

It hurts now but in the long run it’s better to be out of it.

This is a very good point. Perhaps he has form for being vile when he decides he no longer wants to be with a woman.

@FartNRoses

Yes OP, you do sound very aggressive. Nobody can support you with that kind of attitude.

People need to think about the fact that OP is hurting a LOT and cut her some slack.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, it's shit, and he really is being a cunt.

I'd suggest you will start to feel better if you can put together a plan for your future. Stop paying him rent, contact the housing department, and phone Women's Aid about all the practical and legal advice that you need. Given that both your children have difficulties, you may well be entitled to help with their care and some priority when it comes to housing.

Good luck, I hope when you get past this you will start to enjoy your independence.

Mumsnet was designed to be supportive but it really isn't.

Justine, cancel this shitty website.

Mumsnet is supportive. Your OP wasn't clear, you're snapping at posters - we get that you're upset but there's no need to be rude.

Your DP has changed overnight, and IME that does suggest that there is another woman.

I feel for you OP. I know there was some confusion at the start of your thread about the wording of your OP. But tbh even if he had left her for you, it doesn’t make it any easier when someone you have grown to love and trust, who you’ve built a life with, suddenly turns into someone else. The emotional pain is every bit as hard as the physical pain, I honestly feel like I’m having a heart attack at times, the pressure in my chest is so hard to bear when I think about all the dreams I had for the future. Take it easy, be kind to yourself, maybe ask for your OP to be amended to reflect the reality of the situation (should it have been “he had just left his wife when we met?” or something?) or delete and repost with a more accurate OP to get the help you need.

The practicalities you can take step by step. The emotional healing will take a little longer

Practical stuff first. It is hard when the pain of loss is so great but maybe frame it as taking control. Where are you going to live? Find out what benefits you can claim. Tell the children's school so that they are aware. Get evidence that you have been paying rent. As you are not married you may not be entitled to anything but it doesn't hurt to have the paperwork to hand.

Find one friend in real life to talk to. Get to the dr for antidepressants or help to sleep. Get checked for STDs as he may have been playing away.

This is grief and not just grief for what was but grief for the life you thought you would live. Expect anger, depression, denial and in no order. Be kind to yourself. Nice men can turn nasty in mid life. Nasty men can play nice until it suits them not to. Working it out may come later but focus on one friend and practicalities for now.

Good luck.

What you are going through is a type of grief, and it takes time to get through all the stages.
Here's what the five stages of grief are, and how you can consider and process them in whichever order you experience them.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

When I went on an "After the break" course given by Relate, they gave us a diagram of a brick wall, with each course of bricks labelled, starting at the bottom with Denial. Each week we initialled and dated which level we were at, and found that all of us went up and down the wall, but it did help us see that though we might be thinking nothing had changed, actually we were coping better.

By your reactions on this thread it sounds like you and your partner deserve eachother

This is so sad that this is happening to you. I would take a little look about narcissists x

Justine, cancel this shitty website

Perhaps you should move along to another one that you feel is less shitty.

And you may get more helpful replies to your question if you lose the attitude. Even over there.

@coodawoodashooda

Im here for you op. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. First off, don't let him know that you are going. Quietly start working out how to get ahead and make plans for a short term future. How much financial independence do you currently have? Who in real life can you trust? I think you need to keep paying rent so he doesn't get suspicious. What was your previous career? Something similar happened to me. No judgement.

sensible.

You come across really badly in your posts. Choosing to move your kids in to a boyfriends property was never going to be a fantastic idea, now he’s making you homeless. Instead of gobbing off on a forum, plan a secure future for your kids, obv. Sounds like a dreadful man.

He scammed you, OP. He was a shit to his first wife, used you for your money, now he's fed up with you. For the next woman, you'll be the evil ex who ripped him off blah blah blah.

Get angry (with him!) Move out, protect your kids.

You don't really sound all that nice tbh, I'm not sure why you make it sound like you built his life for him. Sorry but you're just wording everything really aggressively, appreciate you're in a difficult situation but being really arsy about the understandable confusion from your posts rarely leads to great sympathy.

What job were you doing to earn £70K, can you return to it?

You have a bit of an attitude problem tbh. I understand that you’re heartbroken, angry and stressed but there’s no need to be shitty with people who are trying to help you. Support isn’t always all about ‘ awwww hun’ and making lovely noises at you - sometimes harsher truths need to be told. Your comment did read as if he was married with two children and left them when you and he met, in which pointing that out is entirely valid!

If you want support and help then stick around. You’ve explained and now people can get back to trying to help. If you want to act like an arse, though, don’t be surprised if people can’t be bothered to advise and/or support you.

I’m sorry your life had gone to shit.

It’s horrible, of course, but you can get through it.

Urgh *insert where appropriate and please forgive other mistypes/omissions.

I can see why people think that that were the other woman due to how your OP is worded. I'm sorry you're going through this but it does sound like there's another woman involved. It's shit but such is life with men like him.

You helped him when he was broke and had nothing, but he had a mortgage and another house he owned? And in a short space of time you've lost a decent paid job, and yet you don't have a home to call your own? None of this makes any sense op, including the fact that it sounds like he did in fact leave his wife for you.

@MoiraNotRuby

Sorry for your heartbreak and all that, but pmsl at 'Justine, cancel the website'

And just like that, Mumsnet disappeared. The end

😂😂 (actually @MoiraNotRuby I think it was ‘shitty website’) 😂

Sounds like he's bled you dry and he now wants to move on to vaginas new. Prepare to be painted as the evil, money-grabbing ex. He may even try to reconcile with his children and tell them that YOU demanded that he didn't see them.

You may well need a guarantor if you're going into private rented, as you've been working (by the sounds of things) for less than a year. Your other option is to go via the LHA but you'll need to present to them as a priority homeless case in most areas. See if you can get him to write you an official "eviction" letter. Speak to CAB for advice on benefits including UC.

@TheVolturi

You helped him when he was broke and had nothing, but he had a mortgage and another house he owned? And in a short space of time you've lost a decent paid job, and yet you don't have a home to call your own? None of this makes any sense op, including the fact that it sounds like he did in fact leave his wife for you.

I'm reading it that OP gave up her well-paid job when she had children to be a SAHP. With the father of her DC, not with the current partner. So presumably has been out of the workplace for a significant period.

Well no one is THE love of your life. There are lots of loves. And people don't turn into cunts overnights. They just manage to hide their cuntishness from you before that.

And I wouldn't believe what he said about the wife and kids - I knew someone who's wife wouldn't even be in the same room as him, who's kids changed their name, and who swore blind he had been a lovely husband. The truth was something very different.

And you need to take agency here. Why did you rent in someone else's house? Particularly when you have kids? You should never have stopped thinking of your own security, no matter how much you think you are in love. How old are your kids? How long have you known him? I don't think I'd ever merge my life with a man's while my children are young.

And look on the bright side - this won't happen to you again.

Actually I do have some sympathy. I fell in love after my marriage ended, and he turned out to be a cunt too. I was heartbroken - far more than I was when my marriage ended. BUT I never gave up my independence and my security, and never will.

The first wife had a spending problem? Most likely lies.
He left his wife and children after giving them everything for 23 years,what does this even mean,seems like it was his right to leave her.I am not surprised the ex wife was outraged, the man seems horrible to be honest.
After knowing him for a year you move in with him and your children into HIS house,very foolish and you left yourself and your children in a vulnerable position.
Any man that leaves his children to take on someone else's is not a nice man,I'll repeat any man that leaves his children to take on someone else's is not a nice man.
Will women ever learn

I also took from the op that the man left his wife to be with you.
I find people on here generally very good at offering advice