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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting Ready to Leave the Love of my Life

76 replies

makegood · 13/03/2022 09:20

How do I do this? He turned on me recently and has become a nasty c*nt. Overnight. How and why? He loved my 2 children, we spoke of marriage, wanted me forever for years, we were best friends, he was the best person I ever met. And now this.

Nothing changed, I didnt change so why has he?

Pretty certain there is no other woman. Think it might be the reality of being part of bringing up 2 children that are not his. How he has let them down.

When I first met him, he left his wife. She was outraged and turned his 2 children against him. He was broke. He has nothing. I got him out of his shitty life and made him tougher, stronger, encouraged him to believe in himself and loved him.

I'm such a fool and cannot get over how he has used me.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 13/03/2022 09:54

I think if you can prove you paid towards mortgage you should have a claim on some of it even if it's in his name.

Sorry to hear you've gone from 70k job to minimum wage. Sounds difficult.

Does your ex not give you maintenance for the children?

HollowedOut · 13/03/2022 09:54

I’ve tried to be helpful but you’ve just been rude and abrasive.

Good luck though OP, it’s bloody tough.

Tillymintpolo · 13/03/2022 10:02

People are trying to help but you don’t want to listen. His wife had a spending problem, his wife turned the kids against him ???? He’s very good at blaming everybody else and you believed it all. He’s clearly not a nice person and you fell for it all

OakRowan · 13/03/2022 10:17

It hasn't worked out because you moved in with someone after a year, with your kids, that you say needed you to build him up, fix him, repair the damage his ex supposedly did to him? And you wanted that and thought that was ok? But I helped him, he needed me? 12 months in.
Common enough story, but not appropriate or healthy as a relationship. Stop focusing on how much you think you did for him, that you shouldn't have done anyway, start looking for somewhere else to live and next time don't move your kids in so soon with a new man who has one broken family behind him already.

FartNRoses · 13/03/2022 10:17

Yes OP, you do sound very aggressive. Nobody can support you with that kind of attitude.

jytdtysrht · 13/03/2022 10:35

Seems he has form for this behaviour. Not into responsibility.

Just thank goodness you don’t have kids with him. You can make a clean break.

Fuckitsstillraining · 13/03/2022 10:40

Best of luck with whatever you decide but if you're ask for advice and help from people you might want to drop the attitude a bit, you're coming across badly here.

Echobelly · 13/03/2022 10:46

I think it is more likely he is showing his real self now he doesn't need you anymore given the support you've give him, sadly.

I agree you need to give up any resentment about all you did for him, andconsider that maybe the narrative he gave about his previous wife might be a bit one sided and perhaps he wasn't all that fabulous a father and there's may be a reason his ex wife felt so strongly as to turn the kids against him - although if he was married for 23 years, maybe the kids were old enough to have made their own mind up against him, if they'd seen they side you've only recently seen.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 13/03/2022 10:46

Your OP was badly worded. Your English says something which clearly you didn't mean, yet you are blaming people for not understanding you?

practise writing more clearly in English
drop the aggression
practise some self reflection, maybe it's your communication skills (or lack thereof) and aggression that is part of the relationship problem.
leave the house and get your own place.
aggression notwithstanding, there's probably another woman.

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 10:58

He was always nasty op, he just hid it to trick you.

His ex 'turned the kids against him' umm Well that sounds like bs he has spun you for a start ('oh boohoo poor me, Im the injured party, my ex is evil wahhhhh'.

Also if my dad cheated on my mum btw, I'd think he was a cunt. No need for my mum to weigh in, I'd have told him to fuck off myself. I bloody well hope anyway.

He didn't really have a shitty life with her. Nor has he had one with you. He just likes to spin stories that make everyone else evil and him the victim.

Also, it is never healthy to date someone who needs/claims to need rescued. Especially as you have kids to think of. It's not safe. Shit like this happens. And tbh, youve probably got of lightly with him just turning out to be a bastard.

You need to address your potential codependebcy issues, ideally with therapy. And learn to spot toxic ppl. Because there was plenty forewarning with this guy. From what we can see in your first post alone. It's evident that he was likely conning you from day one.

Be thankful u and your kids are getting away from him. Its a very lucky escape.

RJnomore1 · 13/03/2022 11:00

Your first post very clearly leads people to think he left his wife for you so no need to get snappy.

However the rest: you’ve had a lucky escape by the sounds of it. Did it really happen over night or have there been signs here and there along the way?

Either way it’s ok to be hurt. You’re going to be hurt, you trusted him let your guard down and he turns out to be an arsehole.

But you do need to be practical abd the first thing is cut ties by finding other accommodation for your family. There’s no way you’re entitled to anything from his house so are you in a position financially to have a deposit etc?

Prettynails · 13/03/2022 11:01

@Branleuse

Maybe his wife wasnt as bad as he made out, since hes now done it to you

This maybe after 23 years he changed with her and having used her. Just bin him. No regrets see you later the brain is there the heart will catch up

Prettynails · 13/03/2022 11:01

No contact no sex no texting helps

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 13/03/2022 11:05

Sheesh op I think you need to reign in the spite abit if your looking for help.

I know your in a shitty situation but ffs your coming across as very rude and that's not going to help you in any way.

Alcoh · 13/03/2022 11:09

She had a spending problem. I helped him out of that too, with support, budgeting, mortgage and so he had a massive mortgage but owns this house (that we're living in)

Huh? Why do women do this ?

Mumtwoboys90 · 13/03/2022 11:11

maybe now you know how his first wife and kids felt

Felicity42 · 13/03/2022 11:13

He's doing to you what he did to the first wife.
His story is going to be the same as the one he told you..."He finally left his wife after having given her and the children everything for 23 years."... his story is that he does everything for everyone, he's never to blame himself, but gets treated so badly, he's the victim.
He sounds horrible that he can't acknowledge the love that was there at some point in those 23 years and what his ex wife and kids gave him. All he is is bitter and resentful.
He had a relationship with his kids, but he managed that very badly it seems. It can't be all the ex wife's fault for that.
You're better off without that bitterness in your life. Sorry you feeling hurt and hope things improve for you.

bluebell34567 · 13/03/2022 11:17

@Alcoh

She had a spending problem. I helped him out of that too, with support, budgeting, mortgage and so he had a massive mortgage but owns this house (that we're living in)

Huh? Why do women do this ?

agree.

put in the experience box of not to do's again.

as pp said move out and have no contact.

twilightcustard · 13/03/2022 11:21

I expected to get some good advice on here. What is it with people?

Write your OP properly before you get snarky with people. It is poorly explained and your attitude may be part of the problem at home.

MoiraNotRuby · 13/03/2022 11:26

Sorry for your heartbreak and all that, but pmsl at 'Justine, cancel the website'.

And just like that, Mumsnet disappeared. The end.

GracieLouFreeebush · 13/03/2022 11:30

He finally left his wife after having given her and the children everything for 23 years. She couldn't take it and turned his children against him

Or his wife made him leave because he turned into an awful person, his kids witnessed it and don’t like him for it. He isn’t going to tell you of all the happy times they had together and paint himself to look like a dick for leaving.

It hurts now but in the long run it’s better to be out of it.

Sunflowersinthewind · 13/03/2022 11:31

OP do you have real life support? Any friends to talk to?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/03/2022 11:32

Think it might be the reality of being part of bringing up 2 children that are not his. How he has let them down.

I still find your description of the timeline very confusing, but if you moved in with him and expected him to help you bring up two children with disabilities who are not his own, after knowing him for just a year, then surely that was unrealistic?

His reasons for suddenly wanting rid of you now may be financial ones. Maybe he has a load of other financial stuff going on that you don't know about.

In any case as pp said, you need to stop giving him money and all move out as soon as possible.

MorningSicknessIsHell · 13/03/2022 11:32

"When I first met him, he left his wife" that's why it sounds like he left his wife for you.

How has he turned nasty overnight? What has he been saying? Any chance of having a normal conversation with him to get to the bottom of it all?

Sorry you're going through this OP, hopefully you get the answers you need.

coodawoodashooda · 13/03/2022 11:32

Im here for you op. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. First off, don't let him know that you are going. Quietly start working out how to get ahead and make plans for a short term future. How much financial independence do you currently have? Who in real life can you trust? I think you need to keep paying rent so he doesn't get suspicious. What was your previous career? Something similar happened to me. No judgement.

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