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Original poster

If you suspected your DH had been through your phone/computer etc would you change the passcode?

35 replies

TonyBravo · 13/03/2022 01:48

Just that really. DH uses my iPad to play a game that we both enjoy. I suspect he's been looking through my messages but says that one of the DC read them out loud, whilst I 100% have nothing to hide, it's pissed me off and made me upset because this isn't the first time.
Would you change your passwords and if you did would you tell him you'd done it and why?

OP posts:
Myhusbandsnores · 13/03/2022 02:00

I would change the passcode. I’d not mention it until they asked. Then I’d be honest about why.

Hawkins001 · 13/03/2022 02:17

@TonyBravo

Just that really. DH uses my iPad to play a game that we both enjoy. I suspect he's been looking through my messages but says that one of the DC read them out loud, whilst I 100% have nothing to hide, it's pissed me off and made me upset because this isn't the first time. Would you change your passwords and if you did would you tell him you'd done it and why?
Id leave false information and see if it is really him keeping tabs, then you have him, hand in the cookie 🍪jar so to speak
Eloise666 · 13/03/2022 02:20

I’ve been in this situation before and didn’t change them, almost as a silent middle finger that I had nothing to hide. But the trust had clearly needlessly gone and it was never the same 🍷

billy1966 · 13/03/2022 08:25

I think its a huge breach of trust to read your messages.

Plant something false and see if it comes out.

If it does I would be very very upset.

Changing passwords would be the least of it.

It's a huge invasion of your privacy.

GeneLovesJezebel · 13/03/2022 08:26

No point changing the password if you let him use it.

layladomino · 13/03/2022 08:36

It's a huge invasion of privacy. Like you, I have nothing at all to hide. That isn't what this is about. It's about the fact he doesn't trust you and he is acting secretively, and then lying when you ask him about it.

If it isn't the first time, does that mean he doesn't trust you generally? Is he controlling?

2catsandhappy · 13/03/2022 08:37

I would be leaving a message somewhere, along the lines of 'My dh is invading my privacy. How much could I get in a divorce?'
(Semi lighthearted)

sillysmiles · 13/03/2022 08:39

No I wouldn't change my password. Changing it would confirm to him that he has a reason to distrust me and that I'm hiding something.

sosickofthisshit · 13/03/2022 08:57

Yep. I discovered my ex was going through my phone, and so I put a fingerprint lock on it. I also divorced him

TheScenicWay · 13/03/2022 09:02

Yes I would and I’d also be absolutely livid. He’d be getting his own iPad.

NumbBum11 · 13/03/2022 11:39

How did you catch your DH last time? This is a fucktundrum, if DH did nothing you've just shown a complete lack of trust in him, but if he did its a complete lack of trust in you. I'd just confront him about it, but changing it proves you've got something to hide. I like @Hawkins001 idea, leave it open and try to catch DH out

OpinionatedToday · 13/03/2022 12:11

@2catsandhappy

I would be leaving a message somewhere, along the lines of 'My dh is invading my privacy. How much could I get in a divorce?' (Semi lighthearted)
I love this!
Vitani · 13/03/2022 12:14

I don't care if DP reads my messages as long as I can read his too. If I am not able to read his, then this is mutual.

Turningpurple · 13/03/2022 12:17

Absolutely I would. Infact I did. One of exhs favourite things to do was to go through my laptop, phone etc. Never found anything because I wasn't doing anything. Didn't stop him being convinced I was just good at hiding it.

If I am in a relationship with anyone now they need to trust me. The default is testing me, if they don't that's fine. But I wont be in a relationship with them. I will not spend anymore of my life trying to prove I am trust worthy or trying to fix someone else's insecurities.

Calandor · 13/03/2022 12:34

No. We use all the same pass codes anyway. I don't really care if he goes through my stuff. There's never anything there of interest

billy1966 · 13/03/2022 13:23

@2catsandhappy

I would be leaving a message somewhere, along the lines of 'My dh is invading my privacy. How much could I get in a divorce?' (Semi lighthearted)
Perfect.
BiBabbles · 13/03/2022 13:26

My first thought were if my kids are using the device and possibly going through things as the DH says, then I'd want messenger apps and a few other things in a secure folder and notifications on those things turned off so nothing is popping up that I don't want them to read.

With my spouse, I think that's more a conversation around boundaries. I think if I felt I needed to lock my spouse out of my devices than that's just a sign of bigger issues.

NopeNoNope · 13/03/2022 17:22

@sillysmiles

No I wouldn't change my password. Changing it would confirm to him that he has a reason to distrust me and that I'm hiding something.
If a man can only trust you by reading your personal messages behind your back then it's not trust and he's not a man worth having. It's perfectly fine to expect personal convos between family and friends to be just that, personal.

If OPs dh is telling the truth and the children unlocked and went into her personal messages and read them out loud then they'd be stopped from using my device too because the convos I have with my friends and family are not for children to be reading and OP should either say no to anyone else using her device or if she doesn't want to do that then totally sign out of her emails and unlink her phone from the device so that texts don't get send to the iPad too. Even without a snooping husband the kids shouldn't be accessing her messages and reading them either.

Original poster
TonyBravo · 13/03/2022 17:23

@NumbBum11 - he went through what he though was my Mumsnet posts (it wasn't actually me) and then used them to batter me with years later. He has form for little white lies like "I missed my train" is always him being in the office still, "I have no idea how that cake got in the trolley" is I wanted cake but didn't feel I could just say it. Neither of which anyone has ever had an issue with but he still chooses to lie. I've always ignored it because it's been so small and inconsequential but has left its mark clearly.

OP posts:
PupInAPram · 13/03/2022 17:33

I'd be more inclined to change the husband than the password.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 13/03/2022 17:37

No because I don't care if he reads my stuff.

Not that there is anything wrong with it bothering you. Everyone is different and if you are bothered by it then you absolutely should say something.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 13/03/2022 17:39

Just saw your last post.
He's a twat.

SauceGirl · 13/03/2022 17:45

What if his spidey senses were tingling?

ScreamIntoTheWind · 13/03/2022 17:49

I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that I will not be spied upon. I’d change my passcode and refuse to share my device with him.

My STBEH insisted that he needed biometric access to my phone (for unlocking in the car purposes). Within a couple of weeks of that, it turned out he’d used it to go through my phone. I was appalled. Felt totally violated.

I’m not up to anything and I will not have my stuff gone through to satisfy his paranoia.

It’s one of many reasons we are divorcing.

ScreamIntoTheWind · 13/03/2022 17:52

I will not spend anymore of my life trying to prove I am trust worthy or trying to fix someone else's insecurities.

This is how I feel @Turningpurple.

Even worse when the arsehole tried to frame it as me needing to help him with his anxiety, me being ‘too private’ and ‘married couples should share things’.

No. Absolutely not. His paranoia and anxiety are his problem. He doesn’t get to go through my messages.

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