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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you suspected your DH had been through your phone/computer etc would you change the passcode?

35 replies

TonyBravo · 13/03/2022 01:48

Just that really. DH uses my iPad to play a game that we both enjoy. I suspect he's been looking through my messages but says that one of the DC read them out loud, whilst I 100% have nothing to hide, it's pissed me off and made me upset because this isn't the first time.
Would you change your passwords and if you did would you tell him you'd done it and why?

OP posts:
PleaseDontDriveMeBlind · 13/03/2022 22:53

I prefer to give access and receive access back, but you know everyone is different and if you have never spoken about this then he is breaching your trust and privacy.

NumbBum11 · 14/03/2022 10:38

Oh @TonyBravo I say again a fucktundrum - his past little lies probably happened years ago (thinking Covid and trains) but clearly left a mark that has clearly started to undermine your ability to trust!

Regardless what and who your privacy has been invaded. Everyone is so focused on your suspicion being correct, so I'm going to just say some counter points, but before that you said battered years later?! Is DH emotionally abusive??? If so jump out of that!!

Just a curiosity, was it that DH brought up all these ancient posts that had nothing to do with you? or that he read something and then took years to confront you with it?

So, as the tiniest of points, the fact that he got the wrong "you" means that he was searching, and not in your stuff, its still fucked up but DH not going through your messages. Do you know what his intention was?

Then it comes down to the invasion of privacy, and any which way its still awful regardless of it. I say it again, fucktundrum! If he's tried to tell you that your privacy was breached would you have rather DH didnt say anything?

Do you think that with the immediate jumping back to things in the past and not necessarily recent, the messages DH had seen or heard was something to be defensive over even if there isn't anything to hide?

This is a total lose lose situation, either he's done the right thing and its shown that there is something confrontational and broken between you, or he's done the wrong thing and the way you describe him a manipulative and/or controlling twat that deserves whatevers coming.

Another2022 · 14/03/2022 14:26

No, my ex used to do this. I just let her get on with it.

feeficken · 14/03/2022 15:21

Don't leave a "fake" message that's just silly game playing in my opinion, Is your DH the jealous type or have you felt distrusted by him before? Have you thought of asking him if he checked your messages? of course he could lie and say no but the point here is there is something more fundamental in your relationship going on if you feel he is distrusting of you and skirting around it will probably only make it worse in the long run.

TonyBravo · 14/03/2022 21:02

We had a big discussion yesterday (these happen frequently and I don't get a choice about it) he got angry and upset that o didn't believe him when he said it was DD that read the messages out loud. I still don't believe him, something in my gut tells me he's lying.

Regardless I said to him that if it hadn't been this it would have been something else. Every 5/6 weeks he finds something to hook into and make a big deal over to do with our marriage. It's not been very stable for around a year.
Personally I think we're prolonging the inevitable. We're incredibly different people and currently he's convinced he can live adequately with anything as long as he has me. I've tried to plead that I'm not worth it but he is adamant.
He has a counsellor that told him he was emotionally abusive in the way he conducts himself towards me. Sad

OP posts:
greasyshoes · 14/03/2022 23:01

Just that really. DH uses my iPad to play a game that we both enjoy. I suspect he's been looking through my messages but says that one of the DC read them out loud, whilst I 100% have nothing to hide, it's pissed me off and made me upset because this isn't the first time

If I don't want people going through my stuff, then I don't share that device with anyone. No one ever touches my computer, for example.

Can't he use his own computer to play this game?

NumbBum11 · 15/03/2022 11:19

Oh @TonyBravo - the more you're adding the more heartbreaking this reads. This to me reads to me like you're both in a place of pain or hurt, and maybe you're both finding reasons and tools to push further away, is this a catalyst?
Don't ever say you're not worth it though, I don't know you, but don't be so hard on yourself!

Flowers
Turningpurple · 15/03/2022 11:34

Op as someone whose been here. Its not going to get better. Its going to get worse.

If you are unlucky, like me, it will become scary and physical. The obsession and paranoia takes over. I had to flee with my kids, in the early hours after being married for 15 years x

urbanbuddha · 15/03/2022 11:43

Personally I think we're prolonging the inevitable. We're incredibly different people and currently he's convinced he can live adequately with anything as long as he has me. I've tried to plead that I'm not worth it but he is adamant.

I think you're prolonging the inevitable too. If you have to plead with someone you're not in a healthy relationship. You could try relationship counselling if you feel there's something worth saving.

RandomMess · 15/03/2022 11:57

This is a horrendous way to live Sad

His counsellor had told him he is being abusive yet he carries on and you stay.

Why aren't you ready to end it?

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