I hate who I have become

[3kidsinsane]

I remember I used to have faith in people. I could always see the good in others. I was glass half full no matter the situation. Then I grew up and suffered repeated trauma.

I now believe people are not inherently good. I can't trust anybody. The only thing I gain from human contact is pain and more trauma.

I see people happy and in love and I know I can never have that. EVERY person in my life has caused me huge pain. I have never had a large circle of friends and now I have none. The only contact I have is with a support group where I fake being ok but there is no way I will let myself connect to anybody again.

I've had so much therapy and they all patronise me by telling me that not everyone is the same. They want me to drop my walls and forget about the things that keep me safe. I can't risk any more pain. I don't think I could survive it again.

I don't want to be like this but I that's how things are now

I'm so sorry you've been left so scarred, that is how you've been left. I really do feel for you.

Is this something you want to change? Even if you feel you cannot? Ideally what would your life look like if you could change it?

I would like to change it but I'm not strong enough.

I'd love to share my life with somebody but I've never met anybody who hasn't beaten, raped, abused or cheated on me. My fear is that next time it would be my children that suffer.

I don't know what is so wrong with me. Other people manage to find good people. Maybe I'm so bad that I turn good people into those who will hurt me. I'm the common issue. Even my family hate me.

Im scared my kids will too when they get older

I'm so sorry , truly. I know how you feel about being told to let down your walls. I hope you don't, mind me saying this but you sound depressed. That's in no way a criticism. Being let down by people you have trusted or being subjected to toxic behaviour can bring that on.
Do you have a partner ?or kids?. Do you work ?Whatever your answers I would say you need to find someone with an open mind whether it's your GP or Lifeline or even a religious leader and tell them exactly why you're feeling the way you are. That alone needs all the courage you can summon up. You don't have to keep on faking being OK but you do deserve help and a chance to feel content in your life.

I'm sorry, I hadn't read in your pp that you do have kids. Everything I said still applies. You do deserve help, you do have to continue being brave and I'm sorry everyone has let you down

The thing with putting walls up it’s this: you keep EVERYTHING out. Bad AND good.
I should know.

Basically, you and I never quite grew up. We still see ourselves like children, expecting the grown up to make everything better. Because we’re stuck in that fucked up loop called an abusive childhood.

Things changed for me when I shifted the focus from them and onto me.
I stopped expecting people to love me and started loving myself instead. Sort of like I’m looking after myself as a child, so I can grow up, I’m parenting myself, in a way.

I don't necessarily think anything is wrong with you as such. But when we've been through so much trauma, our self defense mechanisms are what keep us safe. Unfortunately they don't tend to be that healthy either as you're discovering. They can hinder as much as help.

The only way, from our own personal experience, is to look at what people do and not what they say. Kind of like if their words are backed up by their actions. If they are consistent and kind and don't bring/ attract drama. I usually try to give people chances but I've also got very good at setting up my boundaries by not letting people get away with shitty behaviour towards me. I'm not necessarily talking about relationships but friendships really.

For a long time, I used to be someone people walked all over. I had a type of therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy and it really helped me. Not sure if it's any good yo you since you've mentioned you had a lot.

But I've found by being true to myself, sticking to my boundaries and not letting people cross them, I'm surrounded by really good people.

Do you think this is something you could do? Start slowly. Perhaps on a very low level at letting people in bit by bit? One person at a time. Maybe someone in your group?

I don't know how you feel about messaging a stranger but feel free to message me if you feel down or low. I can't promise to change anything but I will listen to you.

@tkwal

I'm so sorry , truly. I know how you feel about being told to let down your walls. I hope you don't, mind me saying this but you sound depressed. That's in no way a criticism. Being let down by people you have trusted or being subjected to toxic behaviour can bring that on. Do you have a partner ?or kids?. Do you work ?Whatever your answers I would say you need to find someone with an open mind whether it's your GP or Lifeline or even a religious leader and tell them exactly why you're feeling the way you are. That alone needs all the courage you can summon up. You don't have to keep on faking being OK but you do deserve help and a chance to feel content in your life.

I have 3 kids. No partner. Religion is a huge trigger for me. Was told if I had been a better Christian god wouldn't have punished me by letting me be raped. I don't work. People make me anxious. I don't know what they could do I just know everybody is capable of hurting me. Removing myself isn't an option because right now my kids need me. When they realise what everybody else does they will leave me too and then I will have nothing keeping me here.

I don't think anybody can help me. I've had therapy for over 15 years now. I even fail at that.

Have you been to a therapist who specialises in trauma? Have you considered EMDR?

Religion has a lot to answer for to making people feel small and guilty.

It sounds to me you've been told a lot who you are in your life but have you ever truly decided who you are in your life?

And by the way, that was an absolutely disgusting comment said to you. It was NEVER your fault.

I've been to the therapists I've been sent to. I'm not in a position to choose. I've had CBT but that wasn't helpful. I've had compassion-based therapy but I don't know how to respond if somebody is nice to me. I assume they want something or plan to use it against me. I don't know how to be nice to me. I feel like I don't deserve it. But I want it and that makes me selfish for wanting something for me.

See? Fucked up and broken.

The voice in your head that was modelled on how your parents and caretakers responded to you is harsh and critical. If you're able to get even a seconds interruption before it starts telling you how awful you are...you'll see it always says the same shit over and over. It never has anything new to say. Its a parrot. Part of the way people recover from serious trauma is they learn to kick that voice out and replace it with a new one that says stuff like 'that was pretty good'. As a PP said you sort of learn to parent yourself. By saying the kinds of things parents should say - to yourself.

You are not selfish, fucked up or broken.

You are a person who has been through a hell of a lot. Sounds like more than most of us have had to endure. You are someone who had to become the present you to survive.

But the problem is here you are still in fight or flight mode because you still feel in danger all the time.

It's understandable after all you've been through.

I would like to remind you that you say you once trusted people. Therefore, once in your life you were able to and there is hope you will be able to again.

That is not selfish at all. Most humans want that after all. You aren't so different to other humans for that reason.

So the key here is finding out how to safely turn down the fight or flight mode.

I know that feeling. It is exhausting, debilitating and frightening.

I suspect that you need some very deep rooted trauma therapy. EMDR is something they can do to help reset your brain. Talking therapy is useless in this case and so is cbt. It doesn't go deep enough.

Have you googled any trauma services like a charity who may be able to help?

Here is one but I don't know if it would be beneficial to see if there is one specifically in your area.

www.traumabreakthrough.org/

I was stupid to trust those people though. They helped me see people can't be trusted. Im currently in a discussion on another thread. Why do I feel like I need to defend the world when nobody has done anything to defend or protect me. I always stand up for people. I hate that others are so awful about people when it has no effect on their life.

It reminds me that it's not a good idea to get close to people. But I want to have people in my life. I have no trust in my own judgement so I cant allow myself to get close to anyone

I was stupid to trust those people though.

No you weren't stupid. Abusers are incredibly manipulative and seemingly trustworthy.

Abusers manage to pass the shame that they should be having (for being abusive) onto the victim.

You are not in the wrong here. The abusers are.

But every single person? the only thing they all have in common is me

That doesn't mean it was your fault.

Of course you are going to be the common denominator in your scenarios. It is your life and you survived those traumas.

You might not realise it but here you are. Still standing regardless of all the horror you have suffered.

If anyone deserves happiness, it is definitely you. You deserve to give yourself that gift and the gift of healing.

You weren't stupid to trust them.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it. But unfortunately, none of us have a crystal ball that shows us our future.

We can only work with whay we have now.

Think back to the reasons why you started this thread.

What is it that you want? Truly. Not what you think is impossible. Just what you want with no limitations added on.

And I think that, despite what you've been through, you standing up for others is perhaps your way of putting a little light into the world. To give others some hope, that maybe you would also like to see for yourself.

Those people that have hurt you, though, do not represent everyone. It is not possible to generalise everyone as evil or bad.

I know it must be annoying to see that as it goes against everything you have seen in your life. But it's true.

There are people who do good every day but unfortunately, those people don't make the news.

I dont want to be alone. I want to matter to somebody and not just because Im their mum. I want somebody to like me for me. But I cant even do that so how can I hope anybody else will?

I think by not putting pressure on yourself and moving slowly, very slowly, it will be achieveable.

The more you tell yourself things in absolutes, it will not happen because I can't do it. Then of course, it won't happen, because you aren't making the moves to make it happen.

You have put a very high iron fence around you, also a sign with big neon flashing lights that states keep away from me.

I'm pretty certain people will pick up on that vibe. Mostly because you have wanted that to happen.

One due to safety, secondly to your trauma and thirdly to prove your narrative about yourself that you are unlovable and that you don't deserve good things because no one has shown you how.

It does sound so glib and cliche. But it all starts on you. When you learn to trust yourself, I think you will find it easier to trust others.

You question your own judgement because of all the things that happened. But none of that was of your making. All of that was on them, the abusers.

Little steps, day by day, of putting the pieces of yourself back together. Find out who you are behind the iron fence. Not just mum as you put it. What do you like? What would you say is your personality? What are your good qualities? You've spent far too long only looking at yourself in a negative light. Time to turn it on it's head.

You have got this far. You can do this. You made this thread for a reason. Maybe somewhere deep inside you're ready to live again.

I am also a rape survivor. You have my empathy. I have found that religious groups. The more evangelical the belief system of the group (not just Christian ones) the more they isolate themselves from society, choosing to only socialize within their religious group. They are ALWAYS very patriarchal and are often so hung up on the concepts of “Sin” and “Retribution” which they use to judge each other publicly. There is very often a preoccupation with sex and sexuality. Men that sexually abuse children or women are still considered to be “Good Men” because the reputation of the group must be protected, and these men they actually hide and protect sexual predators. Because they show up in church and say all the right words, (most often louder than everyone else) they present the image of the “good, Christian man” which makes it harder for their victims to trust that they are going to be believed if they report the abuse. Not only that, but the teachings of these groups encourages women & children to seek validation for being “good, faithful, nice and meek.” It’s a recipe for sexual abuse.
I don’t know if you were raised in one of these groups or you were attracted to one because of your previous abuse, but you are a very vulnerable woman. Now that you recognize this, you have erected a barrier to protect yourself. This is sensible for now, but you have to find a way to heal. Not because you want another relationship, but because you want to heal the constant, nagging anger at the betrayals you have experienced, the the utter powerlessness you have felt and the sense of injustice. (Although of course, none of what you experienced was okay or just. You will gradually change how you react to it.)
Please seek therapy. You probably heave what is known as C-PTSD, which is very common for people who have experienced prolonged or repeated abuse. You need specialist help for this. In the meantime, on YouTube, please check out “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”. She’s a psychologist from the USA who has been through it all too. She will explain the science, the patterns, etc, and it’s a good place to start.

@Justilou1

I am also a rape survivor. You have my empathy. I have found that religious groups. The more evangelical the belief system of the group (not just Christian ones) the more they isolate themselves from society, choosing to only socialize within their religious group. They are ALWAYS very patriarchal and are often so hung up on the concepts of “Sin” and “Retribution” which they use to judge each other publicly. There is very often a preoccupation with sex and sexuality. Men that sexually abuse children or women are still considered to be “Good Men” because the reputation of the group must be protected, and these men they actually hide and protect sexual predators. Because they show up in church and say all the right words, (most often louder than everyone else) they present the image of the “good, Christian man” which makes it harder for their victims to trust that they are going to be believed if they report the abuse. Not only that, but the teachings of these groups encourages women & children to seek validation for being “good, faithful, nice and meek.” It’s a recipe for sexual abuse. I don’t know if you were raised in one of these groups or you were attracted to one because of your previous abuse, but you are a very vulnerable woman. Now that you recognize this, you have erected a barrier to protect yourself. This is sensible for now, but you have to find a way to heal. Not because you want another relationship, but because you want to heal the constant, nagging anger at the betrayals you have experienced, the the utter powerlessness you have felt and the sense of injustice. (Although of course, none of what you experienced was okay or just. You will gradually change how you react to it.) Please seek therapy. You probably heave what is known as C-PTSD, which is very common for people who have experienced prolonged or repeated abuse. You need specialist help for this. In the meantime, on YouTube, please check out “The Crappy Childhood Fairy”. She’s a psychologist from the USA who has been through it all too. She will explain the science, the patterns, etc, and it’s a good place to start.

Absolutely this. I echo the c-ptsd.

Thank you. Yes I have a diagnosis of cptsd.
I was brought up in a very religious home. My mother's husband used me as a verbal and physical punch bag. There was also one occasion it could be classed as sexual but it wasn't that bad (how messed up is that? If any one did it to my kids I'd serve time but because it was to me it doesn't seem that awful). It was his friend who raped me and when I finally spoke out he said that about not being a good enough Christian. He also went and played golf with him.

I'm 41 I hate that I still let it all effect me

I know honey… I believe you. These horrible men just love religious “communities” because there are so many obedient little girls (and women) who are too afraid of the consequences of speaking up. This is because that is how they have been programmed while they were being raised.