Page 2 | I hate who I have become

supercali77 · 13/03/2022 08:55

OP its not stupidity, you weren't allowed boundaries as a child, were never taught to honour your own trust / risk assesment. It was all trampled. Predators have an uncanny knack of finding those of us with shit boundaries.

Finding it difficult to trust other people after such violations is utterly sane and sensible.

Being able to trust others is about being able to trust ourselves really. Our own judgement. Our ability to assess things at a sensible pace. Our ability to leave without delay if something bothers us. This is what seperates people who don't end up in abusive relationships apart....it isn't that they never cross paths with such people its that they kick them out of their lives quickly.

For CPTSD I highly recommend Richard grannons YouTube series on healing cptsd

tkwal · 13/03/2022 12:50

told if I had been a better Christian god wouldn't have punished me by letting me be raped.

You really have had a shit time of it. Was your mother aware ?going through similar herself?
You are a protective parent, you value your children. Hopefully they realise you would do anything for them.
Is your "Step father" still around ? If he is it might be worth talking to the police because, finally, they are realising that all sexual abuse, no matter how historical needs to be addressed. I'm not saying it will magically make everything OK, but it will be a small first step towards recovering your self esteem. People on MN who don't know you, care about you. People who know you IRL will too. You are worthy of respect and affection

Hawkins001 · 13/03/2022 13:02

@3kidsinsane

I remember I used to have faith in people. I could always see the good in others. I was glass half full no matter the situation. Then I grew up and suffered repeated trauma.

I now believe people are not inherently good. I can't trust anybody. The only thing I gain from human contact is pain and more trauma.

I see people happy and in love and I know I can never have that. EVERY person in my life has caused me huge pain. I have never had a large circle of friends and now I have none. The only contact I have is with a support group where I fake being ok but there is no way I will let myself connect to anybody again.

I've had so much therapy and they all patronise me by telling me that not everyone is the same. They want me to drop my walls and forget about the things that keep me safe. I can't risk any more pain. I don't think I could survive it again.

I don't want to be like this but I that's how things are now

I generally read philosophy from the following author's and fictional characters

Robert greene
The 48 Laws of Power
Mastery
The 33 Strategies of War

Then Machiavellis books

Fictional characters

From smallville tv series
Lionel Luther
Lex Luther

There are some good souls,

Hawkins001 · 13/03/2022 13:05

I always usually assumed everyone had an agenda and most may wear masks, and after being interested with cold war era espionage, you just never truly know who's with which side of group

Hawkins001 · 13/03/2022 13:05

Or which group etc

Original poster

3kidsinsane · 13/03/2022 19:28

@tkwal

told if I had been a better Christian god wouldn't have punished me by letting me be raped.

You really have had a shit time of it. Was your mother aware ?going through similar herself?
You are a protective parent, you value your children. Hopefully they realise you would do anything for them.
Is your "Step father" still around ? If he is it might be worth talking to the police because, finally, they are realising that all sexual abuse, no matter how historical needs to be addressed. I'm not saying it will magically make everything OK, but it will be a small first step towards recovering your self esteem. People on MN who don't know you, care about you. People who know you IRL will too. You are worthy of respect and affection

The bastard died of covid a month before the trial. There was 6 of us. I got off lightly in the sexual assault area. My whole family turned against me for speaking out. Called me evil and twisted for trying to ruin his life as revenge because he was "a little bit strict".

OP posts:

tkwal · 13/03/2022 19:41

bastard died of covid a month before the trial. There was 6 of us. I got off lightly in the sexual assault area. My whole family turned against me for speaking out. Called me evil and twisted for trying to ruin his life as revenge because he was "a little bit strict"

That says a lot more about them than it does about you. Either they chose to cover for him or his manipulation worked on them. According to your family all six of you were lying ? Really?. The stats of sexual abuse cases making it to the courts are ridiculous, basically if the CPS doesn't feel they have of a guilty verdict they don't pursue it. They obviously believed you and the other victims. I greatly admire you for going through the process. That took a lot of courage especially with the animosity from your family.

Opaljewel · 14/03/2022 08:25

Wow your family are horrendous. No wonder you feel like you do. They all piled on after court case.

Well, I'm glad the prick died. He can't hurt you no more.

It must feel like you've not been able to get justice, so I am sorry about that. But he has lost his life and he can't do it to anyone else the filthy pig.

You never got off lightly, you've been punishing yourself for years.

You do not deserve any of this.

Justilou1 · 14/03/2022 12:49

If it makes you feel better (it makes ME feel better) dying of COVID, is a horrible, frightening way to go. He basically drowned in his own phlegm. Slowly. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke.

Mrspepperpoi · 17/03/2022 20:57

@3kidsinsane honestly I feel like I could have written this. I am so sorry that you have been through so much and that people have treated you so badly. It's perfectly natural to feel like this after being hurt so much, that's what I have been trying to tell myself aswell. I wish I could offer more words of comfort but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling like this, so many of us here will relate

gingerhills · 17/03/2022 21:30

@BuddhaAtSea

The thing with putting walls up it’s this: you keep EVERYTHING out. Bad AND good. I should know.

Basically, you and I never quite grew up. We still see ourselves like children, expecting the grown up to make everything better. Because we’re stuck in that fucked up loop called an abusive childhood.

Things changed for me when I shifted the focus from them and onto me.
I stopped expecting people to love me and started loving myself instead. Sort of like I’m looking after myself as a child, so I can grow up, I’m parenting myself, in a way.

This is a great post.

gingerhills · 17/03/2022 21:37

@3kidsinsane

I've been to the therapists I've been sent to. I'm not in a position to choose. I've had CBT but that wasn't helpful. I've had compassion-based therapy but I don't know how to respond if somebody is nice to me. I assume they want something or plan to use it against me. I don't know how to be nice to me. I feel like I don't deserve it. But I want it and that makes me selfish for wanting something for me.

See? Fucked up and broken.

That 'be nice to yourself' stuff takes practise. When I first started doing it I actually felt physically sick every time. I felt disgusted that I was giving myself attention and love. It felt false and selfish and sort of horrible. But I kept doing it. I'm not sure when it changed but at some point it started feeling normal and now i like it a lot.

In my experience the biggest help for changing your life is to do what you need to do, regardless of how you feel about doing it. You need to be kind to yourself. You need to trust and love yourself and make yourself strong and as a wise PP said, stop longing for the shitty past to be different. As soon as you stop wanting what you can never have, because it is a past that can't be undone. it genuinely feels like a burden has been lifted.

Also, having read about the gold friend - have you ever allowed yourself to get really angry about it? Not with your kids around. Maybe in a journal. Get absolutely furious. Swear your head off. tell both men exactly what you think of them and how you know exactly who they really are behind their mask of religious virtue. Rant and rant and rant. It is so therapeutic. I found an old rant I'd written down a while ago and realised i didn't feel it any more. The anger I'd buried was gone. I'd let it out. It's very releasing.

gingerhills · 17/03/2022 21:38

golf not gold 'friend'. Sorry for typo.