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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH no longer attracted to me

45 replies

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 12:07

DH has been more and more distant and less and less interested in me. Finally last night he confessed that he no longer feels any physical attraction to me. We've been married 14 years and I have put on a lot of weight in that time due to health issues, but he has been adamant that he didn't mind and insisted he thought I was still gorgeous. That was a lie and he apparently hasn't felt any attraction to me for 18 months or so. I am heartbroken. I will do everything I can to loose the weight, but even if I do he may well never be attracted to me again and I don't see how I could trust him again. I feel like our marriage is dead in the water and heartbroken as I do love him so much and believe him when he says he still loves me. He is not having an affair (has ASD and would not be able to find the time or ability to speak with an affair partner to instigate, or notice if someone else did). Has anyone been in this situation and come out happily?

OP posts:

EdwinaShearing · 12/03/2022 12:34

Really sorry OP. I want to be supportive but I think it’s possible he’s got someone else in mind hence the distant behaviour.

Awful thought it is, best to get your ducks in a row and plan for the worst.

AnotherSillawithanS · 12/03/2022 12:37

If he's no longer attracted to you it's time to plan your exit.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 12:41

Thank you, but I hope to god your both wrong. He is adamant that he wouldn't ever want to be with anyone else and that we will stay married. I don't see how that can be possible

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 12/03/2022 12:51

So he is saying he still wants to be with you, still loves you but finds you unattractive due to weight?

I wouldn't immediately think affair (although the distancing is suggestive of being preoccupied with someone else and the fact he was fine with your weight until recently).

Has he been supportive over your health?

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 13:02

@fireflygal
Mixed bag- he is helpful and accomodating with my day to day needs due to a disability, but didn't want me to join a yoga class recently as it would clash with family time and has consistently undermined efforts to diet (buying me my fave chocolates, bringing me a bowl of ice-cream without asking) etc.

OP posts:

AbsoluteTruths · 12/03/2022 13:04

I would be very upset at his attempts to sabotage your weight loss by bringing treats unbidden. And family time does not take precedence over your health which yoga would of course benefit. He sounds manipulative and I know you feel heartbroken but I honestly think you will be happier without him long term. No one can thrive living with someone who no longer feels attraction surely?

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 13:11

He says he is confident he would find me attractive if I lost some weight- he doesnt know how much.
I think thoughtless rather than manipulative, but I am blinded by years of love and affection!

OP posts:

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 13:17

I think the issue for me is I recently had extensive therapy to come to terms with my disability and a violent and neglectful childhood. For the first time in my life I really believed I was worthy. I was finally feeling able to make the big life changes I needed to to start to lose the weight and get healthy and I feel like a cornerstone of my life has been ripped out under me. I was so greatful for his love and support through the process and now all I can think about is how violating it is to have been having sex with him when he must have been thinking and imagining someone else

OP posts:

Minfilia · 12/03/2022 13:20

I think it’s possible to still love someone but not be physically attracted to them anymore.

Might be worth having a look at some of the threads on here that women have posted when their husbands have gained weight because you probably won’t get the same responses here.

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 12/03/2022 13:27

Does he understand what you've been through in terms of counselling for your previous issues?

I can't help but wonder if this sudden revelation is as much to do with you being a better place and moving forward and him feeling insecure as it is about him genuinely not being attracted to you.. particularly as you say he's often undermined your attempts to tackle your weight etc.

My XH had many, many faults but he never made me feel less attractive despite the fact I went from a side 14 to a 24 during our marriage and would fill the fridge with low fat goodies and salad if I told him wanted to try and change my eating habits.

Your DHs reaction does not strike me as one of a man who genuinely wants to support you tbh.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 13:44

@Minfilia yes I 💯 agree I do believe he loves me and I'm glad he has told me the truth about how he is feeling. However I'm struggling to reconcile what he is saying with the reality that I have put on maybe 5lb in the last 2 years; the vast majority of my weight gain is much longer standing and I have been obese the whole time he has known me.

OP posts:

minipie · 12/03/2022 13:48

Do you think perhaps he has been spending lots of time on instagram or maybe porn and this has altered his view of what women “should” look like to be attractive? Unfortunately I think this is happening with a lot of men and boys.

This could explain why his perception might have changed even if your weight has not.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 13:50

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty This is partly what I am struggling with- why hasn't he told me sooner, why now? And why undermine me and reassure me so profusely that my weight wasn't an issue?

OP posts:

canyoutoleratethis · 12/03/2022 13:56

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty

Does he understand what you've been through in terms of counselling for your previous issues?

Your DHs reaction does not strike me as one of a man who genuinely wants to support you tbh.

This.

If he knows how much therapy helped you and how much you've 'changed', then he may be scared and is saying this out of defence. It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it might help you both to understand and move forward together. Have you thought about couples therapy to give you a structured and safe space to talk it through? If he genuinely doesn't want to leave, then he should jump at this idea.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 13:59

@minipie he says no, but impossible to be sure

OP posts:

WinterSunglasses · 12/03/2022 14:01

The recent weight gain is about 5 lbs? That's not the issue. There must be something else. I echo the suggestion about couples counselling.

Thatsplentyjack · 12/03/2022 14:19

You've oy put on 5lbs in th3 last 2 years and he's never said anything before? Infact he's actively sabotaging you attempts to lose weight? There must be something else going on OP

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 16:16

Well he agreed immediately to the idea of counseling. I think if something else is going on it's that he's unhappy with his own appearance and the fact he recently had a birthday ending in a 0.

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diplop · 12/03/2022 16:20

It's very unusual for a man in a relationship to voluntarily give up sex with his partner. Men can usually find something attractive about women, especially a woman he loves. He's getting sex elsewhere, but wants to stay with you because he loves you/loves his life with you?

Dillydollydingdong · 12/03/2022 16:29

I think in that situation I'd fight fire with fire. Join Slimming World, deal with the weight issue, new hairdo and makeup. Tell him that as obviously he doesn't love you anymore, you're soon going to be in a situation where you will need to find someone else! You'll obviously be able to make a few new friends at SW and maybe start up a little bit of social life. Your dh as become complacent and unappreciative, and needs to see he's at risk of losing you!

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 17:16

We are still having sex, just much less frequently and it's very transactional, about him and what he likes, and has been making me feel like an object which is less than ideal, confronting him about this is what got him to tell me how he is feeling. I know everyone says their husband is not having an affair but I would say it was exceptionally unlikely.

OP posts:

diplop · 12/03/2022 17:21

So not an affair but have you considered other situations OP?

Just the word 'transactional' jumped out from your post.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 17:21

@Dillydollydingdong literally got a new haircut and make up 3 weeks ago, I really have been feeling the best I've felt in years until this revelation. I have a lot of friends and a very busy social life. I do think he loves me- he really didn't want to tell me what the problem was because he knew it would be upsetting. It's true he can be complacent and unappreciative and tbh he's so comfortable in his own company he'd only notice me being out more if it was negative for him, which it wouldn't be.

OP posts:

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 17:24

@diplop no, I do all the household finances and there's no way he's spending money on prostitutes/cam girls.

OP posts:

Tittyfilarious · 12/03/2022 17:44

@Exibstudent Hi op I don't think it's your weight at all ,you said in your first post that you've gained maybe 5 lbs in the last 2 years and he hasn't been attracted to you for the last 18 months . I really don't see how a 5 lb difference can be that noticable. How old is he op ?

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