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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH no longer attracted to me

45 replies

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 12:07

DH has been more and more distant and less and less interested in me. Finally last night he confessed that he no longer feels any physical attraction to me. We've been married 14 years and I have put on a lot of weight in that time due to health issues, but he has been adamant that he didn't mind and insisted he thought I was still gorgeous. That was a lie and he apparently hasn't felt any attraction to me for 18 months or so. I am heartbroken. I will do everything I can to loose the weight, but even if I do he may well never be attracted to me again and I don't see how I could trust him again. I feel like our marriage is dead in the water and heartbroken as I do love him so much and believe him when he says he still loves me. He is not having an affair (has ASD and would not be able to find the time or ability to speak with an affair partner to instigate, or notice if someone else did). Has anyone been in this situation and come out happily?

OP posts:

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 17:49

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/03/2022 17:50

This is classic letting you down gently.
I hope your ducks are in a row for if you need them.

dipdye · 12/03/2022 17:52

He says he is confident he would find me attractive if I lost some weight-

Very altruistic of him

I'd be losing the weight, then fucking off

These men!!!

TristesseDurera · 12/03/2022 17:52

I've gained 10 lb in the last year, from being borderline underweight, so twice the weight gain in half the time on a much smaller frame, and it's not even very noticeable to anyone but me.

It's not that.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 17:59

I am much more disabled than I was 2 years ago; I'm worried that he just sees me as a burden!

OP posts:

oncemoreunto · 12/03/2022 18:09

It cannot be weight. 5lbs over two years is very little even if you are fairly light by nature.

Tittyfilarious · 12/03/2022 18:32

I honestly don't think it's about your weight or disability op I think it's about him .

Gardeningcreature · 12/03/2022 18:38

Well you know the easiest way to shed 13 stone don’t you? Get rid of him.
Start doing yoga, for yourself.
Maybe start trying to lose weight but I would also look at him.
How attractive is he?
Full head if shinny hair?
Beautiful eyes and great teeth?
Slim and toned?
If not then why not ?
As for sex, start telling him what you want.
Quite frankly I would want to make an effort for him but only if he does the same for you.

Hesheweeshe · 12/03/2022 19:06

I had a boyfriend for 8 years who in that time put on a lot of weight and at the end i was no longer attracted to him, i loved him and liked him but i wasn't physically attracted to him. I wasnt having an affair. And i know it makes ne sound shallow

Hesheweeshe · 12/03/2022 19:08

Ive just read you say you've put on 5Lbs !!! I can literally put 5LBs on over a weeks holiday. It surely can't be weight. My bf put on over 4 stone

Original poster

Exibstudent · 12/03/2022 19:22

I've put on 4 stone over our marriage but only 5 lb over the last 2 years.

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5128gap · 12/03/2022 19:24

I don't think it really matters whether it's your weight (unlikely) or increasing disability (possible) or looking at other women (who knows?). All that matters really is that he no longer sees you in the way he should if your marriage is to progress healthily. As difficult as it is, I'd be at the minimum taking a break from him, with one of you moving out for a period. How he behaves when he's outside of the relationship will be very telling as to his level of commitment.

OhMygodddd · 12/03/2022 19:31

4 stone is quite a lot, depending on your height, 5lb can make a big difference if your petite like me.

It’s not very nice but I can see what his saying, my partner put on lots of weight and of course I still loved him, he is the same person, but I did find I wasn’t physically attracted to him anymore and so sex dwindled and other things followed. I think when you’ve been together a while, you stop putting in effort and unfortunately LTR take a lot of effort, sometimes more than new relationships.

Original poster

Exibstudent · 13/03/2022 08:43

Update had a long heart to heart, where I pointed out how small my weight gain had been and gave him some perspective on how his revelation had left me feeling and what that could mean for our marriage last night and as all of you said it's not about the weight, at least not my weight. He is feeling unattractive as he has put on weight ( 5lb this year and around 1 stone over our marriage, nothing and I think he's still gorgeous, but he doesn't). He feels old and stressed and admitting his libido was so bad felt too hard. And he finds needing to care for me because of my disability deeply unsexy, which I can understand, but he was worried that admitting that would make him a bad person. I am still going to get fitter and healthier, but so is he. We are also going to try and find ways to minimise how much care he needs to do in general and not think about sex when I'm needing lots of care, but be intimate in other ways, which we both feel will help. Today I feel a little more hopeful that we can get through it.

OP posts:

ImJustMum · 13/03/2022 09:15

5lb??? I thought you were going to say 5st!

Thats no weight at all and isnt even noticeable! Thats a cop out excuse and really really shitty of him.

Dont let him destroy your confidence at all, get shot of him.

Skelligsfeathers · 13/03/2022 09:28

In what way are you disabled? Are you able to exercise at all? Gentle movement like swimming will help you feel better.

AdamRyan · 13/03/2022 09:33

@Exibstudent

*Update* had a long heart to heart, where I pointed out how small my weight gain had been and gave him some perspective on how his revelation had left me feeling and what that could mean for our marriage last night and as all of you said it's not about the weight, at least not my weight. He is feeling unattractive as he has put on weight ( 5lb this year and around 1 stone over our marriage, nothing and I think he's still gorgeous, but he doesn't). He feels old and stressed and admitting his libido was so bad felt too hard. And he finds needing to care for me because of my disability deeply unsexy, which I can understand, but he was worried that admitting that would make him a bad person. I am still going to get fitter and healthier, but so is he. We are also going to try and find ways to minimise how much care he needs to do in general and not think about sex when I'm needing lots of care, but be intimate in other ways, which we both feel will help. Today I feel a little more hopeful that we can get through it.

This sounds positive Maybe couples counselling would give you a place to discuss this stuff more healthily too. Sounds like you need to have more open conversations which could be high risk so a counsellor might help you navigate that

5128gap · 13/03/2022 10:30

He might find it helpful to have a place to discuss his thoughts around caring with others in the same position. There are carer's forums on line where he could off load some of his feelings anonymously. As much as you want to have openess between you as a couple, I'm not sure you are the best person to share his thoughts with about something over which you have no control. There's a line between being open with your partner and sharing so much you damage their self esteem.

TopCatTheMostEffectual · 13/03/2022 11:14

Sounds like you have established a great basis for progress.

I hope this doesn’t upset you OP but is it worth trying to get some external help to support you, so your husband can feel like less like a carer and more like a husband?

Original poster

Exibstudent · 13/03/2022 11:48

@Skelligsfeathers @topcatthemosteffectual more than one disabling condition, one causing intermittent problems, one consistent. I've been doing things like relying on taking his arm, rather than using walking sticks because I feel self conscious for example. I need to rely on aids where I can and not put the burden on him. In terms of excersise when I am not in a flare up I can mostly do normal things, although my balance has been badly affected which impacts my ability to excersise alone by walking or running. When I am in a flare I can't leave the house, shower alone etc. So difficult to be consistent with excersise or care needs

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